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In the classical game of human six-pins, bowling is almost as much fun for professional bowlers as it is for the hapless bowlee.

“Wow, tis bestest way of rolling a head!”

~ Genghis Khan on Bowling with severed heads

“Bowling is so ten years ago!”

~ Dr. Böling (inventor of the game) on bowling

Bowling is a strange sport, which involves the hurling of nearly spherical objects carved out of the skulls of unbelievers called "bowling balls" down warped, narrow wooden floors called "lanes" towards a certain number of standing painted wooden sticks called "pins", by overweight humanoids called "Italians", whilst wearing uncomfortable, ill-fitting shoes and sweaty shirts with pictures of cute little alligators on them.

The shoes[edit | edit source]

As a rule in modern bowling, all shoes must fit four requirements according to official rules:

  1. They must be made of cardboard.
  2. They must not be available in the bowler's size.
  3. They must be hideously ugly.
  4. They must smell like rotten fish.
  5. They must not have any traction on the bottom of the shoe. (butter or vaseline must be applied to soles of shoe if necessary)

Requirements one and two have been enforced since the beginning of recorded bowling. The third official requirement, however, was introduced in 1974, when a union of professional bowling players refused to accept sponsorships from three of the major shoe companies at the time. Police statistics suggest that the theft of bowling shoes since 1974 has decreased significantly.

In an attempt to punish the badgers, all bowling shoes were henceforth made of badger hides. This vengeful effort, however, actually helped the bowling industry when the horrendously tacky footwear caused bowling to become increasingly popular among clowns, Republicans, and men with no fashion sense (ie, all of them).

The history of bowling originated from Switzerland back in the early 19th century when balls of cheese were used as bowling balls, this is therefore why most bowling balls remain their original color, yellow. (B.King, 2011)

The balls[edit | edit source]

Invented in 1942 by pharmacist Jeremiah Bowlingball, bowlingballs were originally made of petrified swiss cheese and were designed to blister the thumb until bones are exposed. The use of petrified swiss cheese as a bowling ball is the greatest invention in humanoid history!

When the egyptian elections for president were happening Hosni Mubarak had an idea that would gather voters for him. What was that idea? Bowling in the desert. Here seen an attempt of a beetle to try out the new attraction of Egypt.

Today, as you know, bowling balls are made of everything at once. A famous, age-old tale states. when asked by his naive son, "What's in a bowlingball dad?" he solemnly replied, "Son, what's not in a bowlingball?"

The Cliff's Notes from the Reader's Digest version of the History of Bowling Balls:

  1. POOF! And God said, "Let there be bowling balls." Lo and behold, upon the firmament, layeth thine bowling ball. And the bowling ball was good. And the humanoids rejoiced.

The entire History of Bowling Balls:

  1. The only round thing the first Italian bowler could find was a log. This allowed for a strike every time but the Italians still lost every match.
  2. It was then discovered by DiVinci that chickenoids were kinda round. Chickenoids were thrown at the pins but they were hard to hold. And the chickenoids pooped on everything.
  3. Then, Marco Polo, an avid Polo player, went to China and found that Chinese heads were rounder still. This explains the clinking sound pins make when they are hit.
  4. The Chinese did not like being decapitated to fancy European sport fetishes, so chickenoids were again utilized.
  5. By this time, somebody had stolen the recipe for ice from the Polish. Chickenoids were able to be frozen to facilitate the drilling of holes. Without holes, one could grasp the neck firmly and whail the chickenoid at the pins. This is the origin of the term 'Choking the Chicken.' The chickenoids became aware of the drilling at the same time that SkyNet became aware. Therefore, Ahnold Schwarz-a-kitty is actually a chickenoid. The not-so-humanoids at PETA grotesquely objected to this treatment and thus the practice was discontinued in public venues. Despite modern technical advances in the fields of yogurt production, chickenoids continue to be rounder than bowling balls. Chickens are a VERY important link in the history of bowling.
  6. Swiss cheese. Duh. Can anybody else explain the reason for making holey food?
  7. The modern bowling ball contains a gyroscopic core and sensor system that induces the perfect curve, guaranteeing a strike every time. The fatties don't even have to walk their fat butts on to the approach. If they can reach their ball on the ball return rail, they need only drop the ball. The ball will take care of the rest.

Modern bowling procedure[edit | edit source]

researchers have found bowling balls have a life of their own.
  1. The modern humanoid begins by picking up the ball.
  2. The humanoid checks if the ball has holes drilled into it.
    a) If it does, he jams into the holes a number of his digits of his primary hand equal to the number of holes the ball has.
    b) If the ball doesn't happen to have any holes in it, the humanoid throws ball at manager humanoid and demands refund. He would also demand to get the ball drilled for free in some cases.
  3. With a firm grasp of the ball, the humanoid lines up his bowling-shoe shod feet on tiny arrows painted on the warped floor which lie behind the foul line. Note: the foul line used be called the fowl line. This is in divine reverence for the role chickoids have played in advancing this most regal of sports.
  4. The humanoid approaches the foul line whilst drawing back his arm carrying the ball. Just before the humanoid's momentum would likely carry him over the foul line, he shoves the ball forward with all his Italian might towards the upright pins.
  5. While the ball is rolling towards the upright pins, the humanoid commences to gesticulate wildly, as if he had magical telekinetic powers that could conceivably guide the ball in such a way as to knock over as many pins as possible. Silly humanoid.
    a) If the humanoid should accidentally cross the foul line with any part of his body, a powerful laser is instantly activated which painfully vaporizes him in a screaming agonised death. Also the silly huminoid's ball is returned and vaporised as well. That'll teach him to not mess with the fucking foul line.
  6. The humanoid looks at the computer scoring system to see his score, and if he does not like what he sees, he kicks the ball return, breaks his leg and complains to the manager. If he survives, he goes back to step 1.

After a Hard Game they go to the snack bar and consume fatty foods along with three or four pitchers of beer. Once the effect of the beer takes place, they will stumble and convince one another they are going to drive home. This generally results in one or two heads smeared along the pavement. However, in the case that an individual succeeds in transporting themselves home, they will return the next week to repeat the process. Silly Silly Humanoids, They will never learn.

Bowling variants[edit | edit source]

A ten-pin bowler releases the ball.
  • Ten-pin: Big balls with holes and tall pins shaped like Oprah Winfrey. A game for those Fred Flintstone / Barney Rubble moments.
  • Five-pin: Smaller and fewer. Only in Canada, they say. Pity.
  • Bocce: Like curling, but with bocce balls. Invented in Sardinia for married guys to get out of the house to go to the park, to check out Da Babes while pretending to play bocce.
  • Boules and Bush: Game played by French politicians whenever the US president is visiting Paris. Details suppressed for security reasons.
  • Ice bowling: The cheerful alternative, where Nuclear Science and Biochemistry take a run for your money.
  • Candlepins: Little balls without holes and tall pins shaped like Olive Oyl.
  • Cricket: Little balls without holes and one tall pin shaped like Alec Stewart.
  • Duckpins: Medium-sized balls without holes and short pins shaped like Hervé Villechaize.
  • Frogpins: Little balls with handles and short pins shaped like François Mitterrand.
  • Golf: Teeny-weenie balls with dimples and tiny pins shaped like holes in the ground.
  • Horseshoes: Like Bocce, but with horseshoes instead of bocce balls. Same purpose; but less glamourous, according to pundits.
  • Cosmic Bowling: Bowling with illuminated pins, strobe lights, and LSD laced bowling balls. It is also known that children under the age of 5 are known to have farting problems when the cosmic is on. CAUTION: Epileptic Seizures are common, especially if you have epilepsy. Consult local witch doctor or telephone psychic before attempting. BEWARE: People under the age of 10 may have a heart attack or a seizure. In any case that either of that happens, drag em out of the ally and take them to the nearest hospital ER room.
  • Kubb: Scandinavian game mysteriously unavailable at Ikea.
  • Bowling bowling bowling bowling bowling parking parking: Popularized by Green Day, this variant involves bowling five consecutive games and then parallel-parking a 1997 Ford Taurus on the lane next to the bowler.

Bowling is the healthiest sport[edit | edit source]

No other sport offers the players the option of visiting a snack-bar between frames. Often, the humanoids are so worn out by the exertion, that they must refuel with a healthy variety of snackage. These snacks include any number of deep fried goodies. For variety, nearly everything you order can be smothered in nacho cheese sauce. Mmmm. Yummy. Bowlers also have the healthiest waist lines of any athlete. Bowling is extremely popular in Japan. Japan has better snack bars. When Japanese bowlers get fat from eating snack bar food, they graduate to Sumo Wrestling. Dennis Pickett, being the American that he is, was not accepted into the Sumo Wrestler's Union, despite his completion of all the requirments.

See also[edit | edit source]