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“A total, unmitigated fabrication”

“What he said”

Always delicious. Never complicated. Just cake.

Cake is the always delicious way out of any dilemma.

A dilemma is defined as a situation in which you have two choices and you find yourself too much of a pussy to take either of them without suffering mental trauma. Philosophers have long ago realized, however, that a third option is always available[1], vis:

Dilemma: To be or not to be?

1. Be.

2. Not be.

3. Cake.

This has been verified by many authorities as being conclusive evidence that Hamlet was an idiot.

The dilemma of action or inaction

In the run up to World War II, Winston Churchill was faced with a dilemma:

1. Appease Hitler and POSSIBLY avoid a disastrous war


2. Fight Hitler and certainly have a disastrous war, and on top of that maybe not win.

Churchill forgot number three...

3. Cake.

The dilemma of being a romantic or a playboy

1. Go for a single girl and risk having your heart broken

2. Go for many girls and get lots of sex but no emotional fulfillment

3. Cake.

The dilemma of eating healthy vegetables or delicious cake

1. Eat vegetables and become healthier

2. Eat cake and get fat, but enjoy eating

3. Cake.

Special qualities of cake

Cake is a binary quality, that is, something is either cake or it is not cake.

Here is a table to help you decifer binary code in terms of cake:

1 = Cake.

0 = No cake.

2 = No No cake.

When viewed in this way, all but the simplest computer programs become obsolete.

Mathematical proof that you can have your cake and eat it.

Most other things are not binary qualities, especially not love. This makes cake infinitely preferable to almost anything in the world.

Dilemma: Wit or Random Humour?

1. Write a Random Humour style article. You need use no brain cells, and at least you find it funny. You won't get banned.

2. Write a witty article. You get to use brain cells, but still, no-one else will find it funny, and you'll probably get banned.

3. Look at porn.

4. This has nothing to do with cake.


  1. This is the first and only example of a time in which philosophers have been useful as far as real people are concerned. The reason for this is that you are reading Uncyclopedia, and therefore everything on this page is a blatant lie.

See Also

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ABC GumBubble GumCandy CaneCandy CornCotton CandyGummi bearMarshmallowsMintsNougatPez
BiscuitsCakesCerealCookiesChocolateGingerbread MenIce cream
Airplane peanutsAnimal crackerChipsCheetosFriesFunyunsPopcornPotato ChipsPringlesRitz BitsTater Tots
How to Get Your Candy Back * French Fries Burning in the Oven * Potato Chip Situation * Strangers' Candy