Heimlich maneuver

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The Heimlich Maneuver is a thing you can do to stop people choking on things. It was named after Heinrich Himmler.

Choking on things

Choking on things is caused by breathing in when you should have swallowed because you're so stupid you can't even eat properly and would probably starve if it wasn't for communist welfare liberals. Things that people choke on include: a piece of steak which they inadvertently inhaled while laughing at a funny anecdote; pretzels (see George W. Bush); and the heads of Barbie dolls, believed to grant the eater mysterious powers of dance.

The Heimlich Maneuver is useful for other things besides saving choking victims...

How to tell if someone is choking on a thing

Chances are that if someone is choking on something, it will sound something like this.

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!ACK!! ahhhhk ack ack ack? ACK AAAACKKK!!!! 
ACK ACK ACHHHHHK ack ackkkkkkk!!!! ack ack? ack ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!ACK!!
ahhhhk ack ack ack? ACK AAAACKKK!!!!
ACK ACK ACHHHHHK ack ackkkkkkk!!!! ack ack? ack ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!
ACK!! ahhhhk ack ack ack? ACK AAAACKKK!!!! ACK ACK ACHHHHHK ack ackkkkkkk!!!! ack ack? ack ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! 
ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!ACK!! ahhhhk ack ack ack? ACK AAAACKKK!!!! ACK ACK ACHHHHHK ack ackkkkkkk!!!! 
ack ack? ack ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!ACK!! ahhhhk ack ack ack? ACK AAAACKKK!!!! 
ACK ACK ACHHHHHK ack ackkkkkkk!!!! ack ack? ack ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! ack ack AHHHHK AAAAAHHH AAAHHHHH ACK! ACK!???!

Heimlich - The Early Years

Ludvig van Wolfgang Amadeus Johann Sebastian Heimlich was born in Geisenheim (Germany) in 1870, and immediately disappointed his parents by weighing only 7 pounds, and getting F's in science. Fortunately he began to grow straight away, and by his eighteenth birthday was fully as large as a normal person. Having thus mollified his parents, he disappointed them once again by becoming a Lieutenant oppen-Kolonel in the fledgling Luftwaffe, which had by that time started experimenting with wings made of feathers and wax. In 1891 he was first on the scene when his close friend and Scrabble partner Baron Manfred von Richthofen flew too close to the sun and plummeted into a vat of gobstoppers. One of these confections became lodged in the Red Knight's windpipe, and Heimlich immediately abandoned all thoughts of flight and set about discovering the Maneuver which would bear his name. He studied human anatomy at the University of Vienna in Prague, and then travelled the world, learning all there was to know about swallowing things from the ancient masters of Tibet, Peru and Ireland. After thirteen long years, his education complete, he invented the Heimlich Maneuvre, returned to the Munich airfield and saved von Richthofen just in time for World War I (as it was then called).

How to perform the Heimlich Maneuver

If you are in a restaurant or lithographic printshop and someone begins to choke, remain calm. If you smoke crack, you should probably do a couple of rocks at this point, just to take the edge off. Now, hail a cab. If the street outside is eerily quiet, call a reputable firm of radio taxis and ask them to send one to your location. Either way, get the choking victim into the cab and politely ask the driver to take you to the nearest toy store. At the store, buy a Space Hopper and some kind of pump. Use the pump to inflate the Space Hopper to around 90% of its maximum inflation. Now stand behind the choking victim, release a cute puppy to distract his (or her! Girls can choke too, you know!) attention, and just really beat the crap out of them with the Space Hopper. After a while, the foreign object should fly out of their mouth and land on the floor to be eaten by the puppy, which can then be destroyed with fire.

Famous people who have been saved by the Heimlich Maneuver

• Oprah Winfrey
• Paul Hogan
• Not Mama Cass
• The New Shmoo
• Bob
• Joe
• SkyDoesMinecraft