It's funny 'cuz it's true.
Thomas Clement "Tommy" Douglas, PC, CC, SOM (20 October 1904 – 24 February 1986) was a Canadian revolutionary democratic socialist, crack dealer, minister, boxer, politician, and rockstar who headed the band "Rage Against the MPs". Tommy would later form a left-wing paramilitary with the goal of overthrowing the government in a socialist revolution.
Tommy was born in 1907 in Scotland. He emigrated to Canada shortly after. As a child, Douglas developed a massive cancerous tumour on his leg. His parents didn't have any money so the hospital told them to fuck off but one of the doctors there who was teaching at the local university up the road decided that removing the tumour would be a good lesson to his students. Douglas would have died if it were not for that doctor who decided to treat him for free. Dr. Goldman removed the tumour, but the damage was so extensive that he decided to test his latest invention, a bionic limb. The only drawback was that the limb's main components were wooden, so Douglas developed a lifelong aversion to beavers. It was this incident that convinced the young Tommy that healthcare is a fundamental human right.
While in college, Douglas became involved in boxing and won the WBA heavyweight title which he managed to hold on to for 2 years before losing it to George Foreman in a 12 round split decision. After losing the title, Douglas retired from boxing and continued studying to be a Christian minister. The type of theology that Douglas studied was a unique brand of Christianity that actually emphasized care for the poor and sick. This contrasted with the Christianity which was practised in the United States at the time which emphasized obedience and ignorence. Because of his involvement with the Christian Left, Douglas went on to form revoltionary socialist ideals and formed his band "Rage Against the MPs" with Douglas as the lead singer, Noam Chomsky on lead guitar, Che Guevara on bass and George Orwell on drums.
Rage Against the MPs
After graduating from college with a degree in theology, Douglas preached at the local church, promoting Liberation Theology and played in his band, Rage Against the MPs. His band was formed in opposition to Canadian Liberal and Conservative MPs who were against the formation of a universal healthcare system, something that was one of Douglas' most cherished beliefs. His band produced politically charged lyrics that were very critical of the Canadian government as well as American imperialism that was going on at the time.
Saskatchewan Liberation Army
After a few years of preaching at the church and singing in his band, Douglas realized that words were not going to change the ways of corrupt and evil politicians. Douglas and his band mates decided to take up arms against the Saskatchewan government. He formed the Saskatchewan Liberation Army which would later evolved into the New Democratic Party of Canada. He seized the capital Regina after a bloody 3 year war. Fortunately for Douglas, most of Saskatchewan lived in abject poverty and they supported his socialist policies. After seizing the capital, Douglas revolutionized the social system in Saskatchewan. In a rare showing of mercy and compassion, he granted amnesty to all government fighters but ordered that they leave Saskatchewan because he feared they would orchestrate a coup or try to assassinate him. The new government swiftly passed The Safe Wood Bill which banned beavers from the province. The mass migration of beavers northward caused permanent damage to the once lush Arctic forests, triggering the pending global warming crisis. Now that he had ensured the safety of his bionic limb, Douglas immediately instituted universal health care, public auto insurance, and nationalized the provincial power company which was then in private hands. Douglas was a benevolent ruler and allowed elections to be run with a free opposition. Douglas was so popular that he was re-elected multiple times. Douglas and his band mates who were all given cabinet posts in his new government helped to write up the Constitution of Saskatchewan which guaranteed many freedoms and rights including the right to healthcare, the right to education, freedom of speech, freedom of and from religion, and the ability to vote. None of these rights were available before Douglas seized power. This new constitution was set to music and the single version raced to Number One on the UK charts. The record was banned in the U.S.
The Great Canadian Coup Attempt
Douglas peacefully ruled his prairie kingdom for several years before again becoming involved in armed conflict. While Douglas sat on his throne he began to receive many letters from all over the country from people who have been thrown out of hospitals because they couldn't pay their medical bills.
A lady in Nova Scotia wrote Douglas to inform him that half the population of Glace Bay, Nova Scotia was refused medical treatment for bubonic plague and were forced to go home. Over half the town died but then Prime Minister John Diefenbaker said it was no big deal because most people there were drunks or dirty whores. Douglas disagreed and believed that all people were worth saving.
Another letter from a man in Calgary, Alberta said that his son was hit by a car and suffered from numerous lacerations and internal injuries. When he couldn't immediately produce the $1000 dollars the hospital refused to take him. The son later died of his injuries.
Another letter Douglas received from a lady in Toronto made his blood boil in anger. The lady and her husband were expecting their first child. They couldn't afford to go the the hospital so they decided to have the baby at home. When the baby was born it was discovered that it was not breathing. The father immediately summoned an ambulance and the infant was transported to the hospital. Upon arrival the mother was asked for a $2000 deposit. She said that she would pay them back the end of the week. The hospital told them that it wouldn't be good enough and that they needed to pay now. The mother begged them to treat the child who had now gone over 6 minutes without oxygen. The hospital eventually treated the child just to shut the mother up but were unable to revive it. After going 15 minutes without oxygen, the infant was pronounced dead but because the mother couldn't afford to pay the hospital bill, the baby's corpse became hospital property. The parents were told that their infants corpse would be ground into meat and fed to the patients. It was this letter that lead Douglas to declare war on the Canadian medical establishment, with help from Jack Bauer, of course.
The Coup Itself
After reading thousands of letters from angry citizens all across Canada, Douglas re-organized the Saskatchewan Liberation Army with the goal of overthrowing the regime in Ottawa and instituting public healthcare all across Canada. His movement enjoyed broad popular support, with civilians all across the country joining his movement. His army was able to spread east, taking Manitoba in only two weeks. Very few people were killed because Douglas gave the enemy time to surrender rather than just slaughtering everything. Within a month, the Saskatchewan Liberation Army was fighting the remnants of the Canadian Forces who had not deserted on the outskirts of Ottawa. It was reported that John Diefenbaker shit himself in the PMOs office when it was reported that Douglas had reached the capital. Diefenbaker immediately surrendered and transferred power to Douglas. Douglas spared Diefenbaker's life but ordered him to leave Canada. Rather than rule Canada himself, Douglas transferred power to Lester B. Pearson after installing public healthcare. A few days after Diefenbaker was overthrown, Douglas got his old band together and played to a sold-out crowd on Parliament Hill. He then returned to Saskatchewan and continued to rule fairly and justly. He renamed the Saskatchewan Liberation Army the Canadian Co-operative Federation and later the New Democratic Party of Canada. The party set up chapters all across the country, not just in Saskatchewan. Tommy Douglas is considered the father of medicare and the Greatest Canadian ever to have lived.
Why he truly is the Greatest Canadian
- He is the grandpa of Kiefer Sutherland
- He created the tv show Corner Gas
- He is the only Canadian who could kick Chuck Norris' ass, because he kicked Donald Sutherland's ass in 1968
- He created "Superman" while living in Chicago and gave the rights to DC Comics to save the nascent comic book industry. To this day, the NDP receives royalties for use of the character
- He taught Leslie Neilson how to act, not sure if it's a good or bad thing
- The NDP actually kicked peoples asses when he was leader, unlike the Jack Layton Hippy Smoke Weed and Protest NDP who believes eating meat is inhumaine.
- He ate raw beef live from the cow every day, which gave him superpowers
- He is the man who always yells such phrases as "Fuck off with the guns!" on Trailer Park Boys