Lil Nas X
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| Born | The exact date of the Stonewall Riots |
|---|---|
| Birthplace | Cockasia, Florida |
| Died | June 9, play center at Chick-Fil-A in Uruguay |
| Nationality | African American |
| Marriage | A dozen skanks |
| Affiliations | Yemen government, Justin Bieber, KGB, Sicilian Mafia |
“Hey boi you should look up 'creamy' on Bing with safe search off.”
Lil Nas X (Also known as Take-It-Up-The-Ass Nas X, Shower Homie, and Current Age Village Person) is a homosexual rapper and homosexual idol dedicated to 9 year olds who don't know the full meaning of a bitch. Lil Nas originally had an affiliation to black cowboys until the point when he shifted to sexy deals with El Diablo. He varies from musical talent to musical shame and is proved by the music. Legend says, Lil Nas X still lap dances and teabags anybody in concerts to this day, and excessively with pride.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Lil Nas X was born dickless in West Philadelphia born and raised before eventually getting a penis attached to him by his drunken aunt. Either that or he wasn't dickless, it still didn't matter. Lil Nas X was later admitted into the military by R. Kelly's somewhat distant bro cousin and trained efficiently to A) achieve strength, and B) achieve blatant future homosexuality. In his teenage years, he trained his mind to play shitty music on his keyboard, but never really gained much of the successful nature until he turned into an adult, where his musical talent changed immediately by the first debut song titled "Nobody Knows Me at All Because I Never Was Popular Dot Com," strangely and conveniently titled.
Old Town Road(eo)[edit | edit source]
On December 3, 2018 for no apparent reason Lil Nas X releases Old Town Road, often described by people as "if Robert E. Lee gave up on slavery." Ever since it's blown up around america as "da best sawng evars," the song has sprung off multiple variations and remixes, including "Old Town Hoe," "Old Town Rape," "Old Town Who Gives a Fuck," "Town With No Name Cover Obscured #17," etc. Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails commented on his unauthorized affiliation with the song (which was proven by one of his songs being conveniently sampled) by stating the same thing he said over Johnny Cash's Hurt cover.
Standoff Against the Entire Country of Monaco[edit | edit source]
Lil Nas X gave negative feedback over the country of Monaco one time on a vacation that nobody even knew about. He had all the tendencies to go off and show his gayness against the citizens of Monaco, but was later outlawed because the authorities thought he was way too retarded. Since then, his followers started to send questionable mail and other methods of humiliation onto Monaco's secretary. It is unknown if they're still fooling with Monaco's government til this day, but followers say otherwise, though recent proof hasn't been discovered.
Family Life[edit | edit source]
In some time between 2018 and 2019, Lil Nas X met Boss Baby in a Nigerian Bar and impregnated him in Stall number 4, which is now a national tourist destination. Boss Baby has publicly announced that Lil Nas X is, "basically the devil's wife." Lil Nas X has reputed all claims to his treachery, and continues to father Danny DeVito, the result of the Nigerian bar. Lately, Lil Nas X has aided Danny in his amazing conquest of Brazil, and he and Danny have also recently locked up the ghost of Joseph Stalin in Danny's chamber of screaming living bladders. Many have said Danny is a sociopath, but Lil Nas X protests he is just a misguided childhood, alluding to his childhood living in Stall no. 4. Lil Nas X's parents are both dead, and Lil Nas X had a filmed visitation of his father, Barney's, grave, and he proceeded to dance on the grave drinking cocaine in remembrance of his father's prized job. Lil Nas X said in a press conference that even though his father abandoned him, he was proud of his heritage. He proceeded to run off set, take his clothes off and chant DIE YOUNG to a couple of bystanders. He then went to the nearest drug store and bought a bottle of Tide Pods. He was found in his apartment 2 days later, half dead, after eating a record amount of Tide Pods. Lil Nas X was taken to the hospital, and was taken out a day later after being hooked up to steroids filled with Juicy Juice. IN a recent publicized X-Ray, Lil Nas X was found to have over 70% Juicy Juice in his blood. Lil Nas X was also reported to have an older sister, who would dress up as the Easter and give a different kind of eggs. Some racist people called her, "The Black Easter Bunny," but she embraced this, and proceeded to do what she usually did. She is a registered serial killer with over 70 victims, and Lil Nas X recently partnered with her in a song called, "Can I put my (3) balls in yo jaws?"
Partnerships[edit | edit source]
Lil Nas X's most famous partnership was with Nirvana, but many do not know that he contributed to their song, "Rape Me." He also worked with the famous Mr. T on a title, which became his most listened to song on Spotify. The song was called, "Whale Noises," and was just Mr. T kicking Lil Nas X in the balls for an hours. Lil Nas X also partnered with Nike for a deal, and he sang a song called, "Pumped Up Kicks," about the new Nike shoes dropping. His most recent partnering was with the famous German Internet influencer PewDiePie, on his quadruple platinum chart-topping hit, "Coco." He also partnered with the Beastie Boys on a famous song called, "Vladimir Poopin'", which sold 7 million albums. Lil Nas X also worked with Mozart on the chart topper, "Look at Me!" One of Lil Nas X's most famous partnerships was with XXXTENTCIANO, where they recorded the song that is now famous for its Coco melon remix, "Wheels on the bus." Lil Nas X has also had multiple brand deals, teh first being when he partnered with Beyblades to make a Beyblade that featured him dancing naked in the shower, an early tease of INDUSTRY BABY. He also made a cereal with Kellogs, entitled, "Devil's Mix." It consisted of chewy candy bites shaped like the devil, which contained blood on the inside, similar to Gusher's. Lil Nas X also released a controversial song, "Santa is a Nazi," which he recorded with LuLu Kids. He pointed to hi claims by saying that Santa was, indeed, German. Lil Nas X's first partnership was with rapgod, the one and only,Jesus H. Christ. They recorded the Christmas carol, "Burning all the Xmas Trees," in a call to arms to invade the Cincinnati Zoo after the killing of Lil Nas X's mother/father (again, still unknown which is which). Lil Nas X also did a small partnership with Eminem, called, "I choked on an M&M and died." The song barely missed the Top 40 on the Billboard 200. The last partnership we'll be talking about today was the partnership he had with, "THE BABY," called, "OH GOD I SHIT MY DIAPER."
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Prophesied death[edit | edit source]
In the British History Museum, there is a mysterious plaque of a man, who undoubtedly resembles Lil Nas X, stuck in some sort of slide. His eyes are lit up and horns are on his head, and children scream around him. He is smiling malevolently as his blood seeps onto the screaming children's heads. There is a Chick-Fil-A logo in the background, undoubtedly prophesying his death, as his head slowly falls off his neck onto the ground as it is stuck in the tiny slides of the Chick-Fil-A play area. The spinny Tic-Tac-Toe things spin around, revealing human like, anthropomorphic faces that scream out while their eyes bleed and the heads spin. Recently, do to the new development of time travel, a person named Jackie Chan flew through time while evading the great DR. PIMPLE POPPER. When he came back, he brought a manuscript with the deaths of every person alive (Jackie's being falling off a giant cake on set for a movie), Lil Nas X's deeply described. Exclusively, the writer broke into the CIA, where *they* found, on an unrelated note, a giant penis monster from planet 6ix9ine, Martians with only one finger (the middle one), and a black Superman. They also found the book containing the deaths of everyone, and while the CIA is chasing at me, shooting me, I will exclusively report the firsthand, the prophesied death of Lil Nas X
"Today, on April 20th, 2069, Lil Nas X has left for Uruguay. Attempting to contact his estranged granddaughter, who was offended by his infamous, "Tetris," joke, he has independetly flew to Uruguay, along with 420 bodyguards. I, the reporter, who have snuck onto the wing of the plane, which, with the developments of the Future, the plane now goes 700 million miles per hour, am burning up. It is unfortunate, as it will still take 7 hours to get there, do to the entire continent of South America, along with China, being blown across space-time. Dr. Strange is attempting to help out, but he is bed-ridden with STDs, and old age. I will write again when able.
Hello, this is Lil Nas X's bodyguard writing, Dwayne Johnson. I have become very suspicious of this journal, which I found floating in the vacuum of space. Because I was listening to my song, Face Off, while I went to get it, I had the power to do it. I am now wondering if it is a death note. I'll test it.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Crap. Guess it didn't work. Ever since she broke up with me 30 years ago, I haven't been in a good emotional state. Oh well, I'll write when we get back to Uruguay."
The writing then trails off, and it is continued in a completely different journal, entitled,"Tá mé chomh huachtar," which translates to Irish. There is only a short paragraph in this book, as the rest have completely disappeared. It says,
"OH NO. OH NO, I have failed. Lil Nas X is dead, and the horrors of his true self are being cast across the universe. I am being thrown into a vast darkness, where I will forever rot, and Lil Nas X's worst song, "I have Rabies," will play in my ears eternally. The prophecy was right. We shouldn't have tried to avoid it. The Chick-Fil-A is hell. Everyone is gone. Everyone."
Curiously, with the time travel device, you cannot go beyond the year 2069.