Black Santa
“Ho! Ho!! HO!!... Get back to work!”
“Crack!@#”
“All you getting is a Gary Coleman”
(AKA Kwanzaa Klawz) is an alternative Santa Claus established by the Black Panther society in 1969. Black Santa is a sub-human being that feeds off high caloric foodstuffs, and ethanol based fluids. Black Santa resides, usually, at the "Black Santa Workshop", which is at the summit of the highest rubbish dump in Compton, CA. The workshop is comprised of himself, his wife Mrs. Klawz, and a legion of crack whore prostitutes dressed as elves.
After capture, and subsequent escape through a sink drain, Black Santa was declared by the Nation Science Foundation as a dangerous, heavily mutated, and temporally metamorphosizing life form. His diet, during research, consisted primarily of peppermint schnapps, brown sugar, black licorice, and Hennessy.
Legacy
When your parents told you Santa wasn't real they lied... he is real. Its just that Black Santa comes and steals the presents that Santa leaves. He is not nearly as inconspicuous as the real Santa and is usually high. Instead of taking a sleigh with reindeer, Black Santa takes the bus with a tricycle; because of this, it takes him about 9,000 times longer than White Santa to get the job done and that is not because it is more difficult for him to travel. Black Santa, during the Christmas season, can take anywhere up to 70 years to complete a national round of gift delivery, excluding Alaska and Hawaii.
Most of the time, Black Santa can be found on a clear summer day snorting coke in an alley off the express way or robbing a liquor store across the street. Black Santa’s real ambition to come out every year and partake in the Christmas Holiday is the butt secks. Like his friend and savior, Black Jesus, butt sex is the ulterior motivation that happily drives Black Santa’s tricycle on freezing cold winter nights.
Myth
There has been some disputation among adults that White Santa does not actually exist. The popular holiday film, Miracle on Elm Street, made people question for the first time since their childhood, the authenticity of Santa Claus. Who would've thought that a popular movie geared towards children as well as adults could be so influential? Black Santa, on the other hand, is definitely real. As of yesterday, there were approximately 73 hours of security ccamera tape footage to substantiate this claim. He has been caught numerous times in action, not only by surveillance devices, but by plain sight and grease sniffing German shepherds.
According to Jesus and Superman, Black Santa has about as much visual reputation as an urban bard who plays 24/7 in crowded metropolitan train stations. Last year’s census bureau claimed, 58.5% of all registered American citizens agreed that they’ve seen Black Santa at least once in their lifetime while only 15.9% said they hadn't; the remainder ate the census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. In documented comparison, 12.7% of all registered illegal immigrants said they’d seen him while the 87.3% remainder checked the box “No Speak English”.
Legality
Black Santa was declared legal in the United States only under conditions of constant surveillance. The federal ‘Black Santa’ clause states that no Black Santa, or impersonating Black Santa’s, will be allowed near suburban or rural areas, especially those that contain children, for fear that the mere sight of Black Santa will frighten kids out of the lucrative spending holiday Hallmark worked so arduously to establish for high income families.
Though every municipality in the United States has accepted Black Santa as a reality, they don’t want him getting anywhere near potential job opportunities, such as 'White Santaing', or collecting concessionary benefits from the Salvation Army, Red Cross, or any other benefactors including churches and welfare. Black Santa is pretty much on his own if he desires to leave Compton and travel the indiscriminate land of freedom.
P.A. Black Santa has been known to enter and steal shit from people’s homes without permission. If you find that your family's home has been violated by this particular criminal or have had shit stolen from an anonymous African American Santa Claus that isn't Bill Cosby, call the Black-Santa-Emergency-Hotline for information on how to buy a shotgun and literature deterrent.
Christian opposition towards Black Santa
The Christian Church, particularly Roman Catholic, have disavowed Black Santa as being the “One True Deliverer of Gifts.” This was not always a reality; up until 1978, Black Santa was regarded as the "indigenous", or native, soul of the Christmas spirit. It was at that time that Black Santa became infuriated with this fact because he didn’t understand the word, “indigenous”. It is believed that he thought the Catholic Church was making fun of him; so, he sought out the newly appointed Pope John Paul I for advice on how to counter this social hostility.
Apparently, two minutes after he was granted entry into the Pope’s quarters, the Secretary of Pope heard a loud scream and gun shot right before Black Santa returned bursting out of the room yelling manically with blood spattered on his face. According to Black Santa, "the Pope's head asplodeded fum too much religin." Black Santa recited these words indicatively with a gun in his hand pointed at the Secretary's face.
Black Santa managed to escape just in time from the Vatican army; but the air-force, on the other hand, was catching up with him. Let it be known that Black Santa can run REALLY fast, surprising enough to the fact that Black Santa displays effort only when he’s saving his ass from danger and not employing the selfless act of giving. In other words, Black Santa sucks at delivering presents and getting caught.
Black Santa made it back to Compton from Rome in less then 4 minutes; that’s approximately 6500 miles or 270 marathons. The Vatican air-force (AKA God's Angels) discovered Black Santa a few hours after he ran Coronado's entire expedition back to Compton only to hide himself in a local McDonalds grease oven. Finding a city that had looked like it had been bombed already, Black Santa's pursuers went back home.
Ever since this incident, the Catholic Church has frowned upon the existence Black Santa and have excluded his name from popular Christmas hymns such as, O Little Town of Skid-row Hemp, Hark the Herald Angel of Blackness (Hide your Purse), and The Little Drumming Nigger Boy.
Television Appearances
Black Santa often appears on T.V. shows; most habitually COPS. He holds the record of most COPS celebrity appearances (5,928) next to the teen superstar/mass murderer, Christian Slater who has a total (5,936 appearances). Black Santa makes frequent run-ins on talk-shows, cartoons, sitcoms and even the weather channel.
Black Santa was arrested in Chicago after breaking into NBC studios while high on crack. He then stabbed the weatherman with a sharpened chicken-wing and called him a witch for making it cold outside. (See Frazer’s, The Golden Bough). He was released for good behavior but his testimonial still held against him for a perjury count which was eventually dropped. (see F. Lee Bailey and Johnnie Cochran)
Black Santa’s most recent exposé was on the T.V. show, South Park, as the outwardly witty purveyor of traditionalist humor that is held so dearly on this particular comedy cartoon geared towards politicians and children. Black Santa, outside of cameos, is typically portrayed as a Santa, who is black, anti-altruistic, and can run very fast.
Useless Trivia
- Black Santa was born in the South Pole, south central to be exact.
- Black Santa does not give things so much as ‘takes’ things for the Christmas Holiday.
- Black Santa can run very, very fast.
- Black Santa has a tattoo of your mom's name on his penis, and every other chick he bagged.
- Black Santa assassinated Pope John Paul I, by accident.
- Black Santa is a black person.
- Black Santa was banned from all non-Baptist churches in 1978.
- Black Santa is declared illegal in many countries, particularly Italy.
- Black Santa is made out of thousands on tiny spiders.
- Black Santa can expel his bowls into a hellish fire on command.
- Black Santa, asks YOU for money; never ask Black Santa for money or he will kill you.
- Black Santa is the co-protagonist in the film Black Christmas.
- Black Santa has been known to give people herpes just by thinking about chicken and rice.
- Black Santa, Is a BLOOD and does not deliver gifts to CRIPpled children.
- Black Santa, created the PS3 in 1847 only to discard the idea. Sony stole his idea, but he doesn't really mind.
- Black Santa's current wife started off a dancer on "In Living Colour."
- Black Santa, contrary to popular belief is no relation to Half-Caste Santa
- Black Santa is lactose intolerant, so don't leave milk and cookies. Instead, leave weed and Hennessy.
- Black Santa is friends with Obama and is going to take over when he is shot. (Which, as we all know, should happen very soon.)
- Black Santa's not sick of all these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
Related Topics
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