Satan Clause
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“ Who?”
Satan Clause (the real one, not that fake bastard Satan Claus) is the master of the Dark Side of the Christmas. He spends his nights pwning n00bs on Left 4 Dead and Halo. Satan Clause's other hobbies include mass murder and calling people tools. He loves heavy metal. He rules over all of civilization. Don't tell anybody though! You'll be the cause of his death if you do. Then his servants will find you. And they will kill you. However, that's only a rumor. Or is it?
The Origin of the World's Greatest Evil Savior[edit | edit source]
The actual circumstances under which Satan Clause was born. It is said that he is both the son of the actual Devil and the grandmother of Serj Tankian (don't ask no questions). It is also said that he was spawned from an old demo of Halo when coffee was spilled on the disc. No one knows. Another theory is when Chuck Norris spit into a pit of fire and Satan Clause was created by the awesomeness of Chuck Norris' saliva and the evilness of the flame. That one, however, is very unlikely due to Satan Clause being in existence since the beginning of Tyde.
Occurrences[edit | edit source]
Satan Clause is only seen on the night that is, of course, Christmas, when Jesus comes back from the dead to feed on the souls of the living for personal pleasure. He creeps into windows at night, making sure that no one is watching besides kittens (which will certainly be huffed) and begins to lay out his plate, fork and knife very articulately. He then takes a child (or toddler, if one is available), sniffs it to see whether or not it is raw, and then eats it without using the previously mentioned plate setup. It was just for the atmosphere.
His Abilities[edit | edit source]
After making his dastardly deal with Raptor Jesus, Satan Clause has become more powerful than ever! Satan Clause has many abilities, from becoming a Transformer to winning The Game. He once fought Chuck Norris, took one of his own shoes off, threw it, and didn't miss! He can also mesmerize anything, including Allidiles and Crockigators.
How to Trap Satan Clause[edit | edit source]
Well, first, wait for fucking December. Then, fill a small yet equally medium-sized Jeep with toddlers and wait. Just before the sun rises up, he should then ride his cockmobile (a very large dick in train form) toward you. You'll die, but recover. 'Cuz you need to be a zombie to take him down. First, take your cocaine and share it with him. Then, when he isn't looking, lick him. If your first name begins with a "V" and ends with a "W," or you're a complete warlock, or you're imagining this whole thing you should be able to get past his force field. From there, you're pretty much on your own. Good luck, retard!
Feud with Stoner Santa[edit | edit source]
Back in the early 90's, an infamous feud developed between Satan Clause and his former friend Stoner Santa, and eventually escalated into a full-blown war between the west and east coast Santas. The feud is said to begin in 1991 when Stoner Santa was arrested in a drug bust that Satan Clause might have been part of, but escaped when the police arrived. After that, many fights broke out between the two, the most famous of which is their fatal fist fight (catchy-sounding, ain't it?) that occurred at the 1993 Grammy Awards after party. After that, the feud began to take a toll on the community. Santa stopped delivering gifts to the selfish kids in California, and Stoner Santa stopped delivering weed to the potheads in New York City. The Santas of each coast immediately took sides. Fights between other Santas were also well covered in the period of 1995-99. The most famous involving neither Satan Clause nor Stoner Santa was the fight between Robot Santa and Black Santa at the B.E.T. Awards in 1997. In this fight, Robot Santa was nearly deactivated and Black Santa lost half of his afro. Another famous fight caused by the feud was a scuffle that took place between Asian Santa and Alien Santa. The battle cost Asian Santa his right leg, and Alien Santa his head. But he's an alien, so... you know, it grew back. The feud between Santas ended when Stoner Santa was shot outside his apartment in March 2005. Satan Clause was also killed by a stray mutant cat a few days later after devouring a toddler, but he's awesome, so he just came back to life the next day. Though the feud is long-over and the majority of the Santas back on good terms, Asian Santa still goes to Physical Therapy weakly to get used to his robotic leg and Black Santa still has a secret hatred of Robots. Satan Clause, however, doesn't really remember the feud because he was too busy doing more important things.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
“ Rap is crap! Punk is junk! Techno? Heck no!”
“ Bro's before ho's, boy. Bro's before ho's.”
“ You ever feel like burning down an orphanage? What are they going to do, tell their parents?”
Satan Clause loves Metallica, as his idol is Mr. Hetfield. He has an intense hatred of tools, n00bs, people who like Call of Duty, Rage Against the Machine, and Jeebus (he's got nothing against the rest of the Major House of Jesii though). He also loves Left 4 Dead, if you are powerful enough to search for it.
It is rumored that Satan Clause was the original drummer for the band Poison the Well. It wasn't until he violently stabbed their record producer several times in the stomach, head and neck did he realize music wasn't his forte.
Satan Clause currently has no children, though he has adopted a boy so he can pass on the torch, probably because he is infertile. He has been on bad terms with his father for the past few years after the Devil revealed to him that Santa is his half-brother. He currently resides in his Chamber of Shadows in the South Pole, where he reigns as ruler of pretty much nothing.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
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The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.
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Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
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The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
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The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
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Satan of gaming: Sega
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| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
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Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
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Satan's younger brother: Stan
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| Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.
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Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
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| GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal
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Satan of video gaming: EA
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| Enjoy their presents, and rejoice their jolly names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Santa. | |
| Future Santa: AKA The Ghost of Christmas Future | Save yourself from Robot Santa! |
| Black Santa: (Insert a racist joke here) | The kids' most loved bishop:Eurosanta |
| Satan Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping ... | ... and if you thought one was enough:Satan Clause |
| Scally Santa: UK's most beloved guy. | The father of all Santas: Father Christmas |
| If you are still unsatisfied with these Santas, you can always check out even ... | |
| More Santas | |
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