Lindsay
| Lindsay | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Motto: We have the nicest condos anywhere! | |
| Official nickname | City of Kawartha Mistakes |
| Mayor | William Shatner |
| Established | 1996 |
| Currency | Tim Hortons, Canadian Tire Money, Human Limbs |
“Lindsay, once a sweet lover, now strikes my rectum like a bullet made of herpes...”
Lindsay is the third (or ninth) largest metropolis in Montreal, Canada. The Scugog River is rumored to run through the town, but that is simply heresay. In reality, the Scumbog River runs north-south through the city centre, and produces lead poisoning levels in children of approximately 72%. This is attributed to the massive production of the world's largest lead mining facilities located approximately 2000 miles to the west of the city.
- Lindsay is known for:
- A teenage pregnancy rate only rivaled by Orillia, Ontario.
- A population that is at least 9.214 times larger than Toronto, Ontario.
- The hiding place of Justin Bieber.
- The prohibition of the Personal Computer.
- It is recognized as Canada's most awesome city. Period.
- There are absolutely no cattle in Lindsay
- Being a worse place to live than Fukoshima, Japan
Teenage Pregnancy Rate[edit | edit source]
“It's over 9000!”
The current rate of teenage pregnancy in Lindsay is 121%. This is dwarfed by Orillia's rate of 121.0000001%. The Canadian government has placed the blame for this alarmingly high rate on the prominent levels of promiscuity expressed by the youth of Lindsay. The general public however, blames the rate on large winter snowfalls and a lack of retail outlets that carry female undergarments in the Greater Lindsay Area. Retail outlets that stock any form of condom are also exceedingly rare.
It is quite common for the average teenager in Lindsay to retire to an igloo during the 10 month winter with a prospective mate. Within this icy abode, he will proceed to caress his mate with a large trout. Upon sufficiently altering the smell of the interior of his igloo, the male teenager will proceed to fornicate with his mate in a very slow, slothlike fashion which has been known to take a considerable amount of time. Upon climax, which usually occurs within fifteen seconds of the commencement of the process of fornication, the male will begin to discuss the meaning of life with his mate while she enjoys a cigarette and bottle of beer. The female will then drift off into a relaxed state of inebriation while the male sobs himself to sleep.
At the end of the 10 month winter, the couple will emerge from their igloo, new child in arms, and part ways, never to see each other again. David Suzuki has been monitoring this situation closely for the past 2 years.
Politics[edit | edit source]
“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”
The mayoral race of Lindsay has been dominated for the last fifteen years by William Shatner. His very shrewd demeanor and charm has won over the populace over and over again. He maintains a strict policy on the policing and incarceration of the homeless population. William Shatner has been challenged for mayor by local funny man Big Daddy Taz once, but he won hands down.
In 1945, William Shatner was almost overthrown in the mayoral race by Chuck Norris. The metropolis of Lindsay still whispers in fear and speculation over what things would be like if Chuck Norris had won. Common speculations seem to think that a statue commemorating William Shatner would never have been built, and in fact there is a high likelihood that Chuck Norris would have built a statue commemorating Hillary Clinton instead. A smaller portion of the population feels that the city's infrastructure would have suffered and that there would be fewer roads.
Lindsay is the only city in Asia that allows voting rights to resident corporations. However, this regulation is not without stipulations. In order for a corporation to be eligible for voting rights, they must be currently operating as a Tim Hortons franchise. Corporations that operate under the Dunkin Donuts franchise are currently outlawed from the city, although the United States government is currently seeking to abolish this outdated methodology.
William Shatner is recognized for his achievements and contributions to Lindsay, mainly:
- The building of a waste treatment plant.
- The building of a road.
- KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
- The building of a statue in the likeness of William Shatner.
- Planting a tree.
- Taxation of squirrels inhabiting trees.
- Being William Shatner.
- KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
It is rumored that the proceeds from William Shatner's taxation on squirrels resides in a large vault under the City Hall. People that have seen inside the elusive vault claim that it is packed wall to wall with nuts.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Lindsay is surrounded by man-made forests and Tim Hortons restuarants. It is located in central Vancouver right next to the suburb of Montreal. The area that encompasses Vancouver and Montreal is referred to as the Greater Lindsay Area.
In the terrain surrounding Lindsay, consisting mainly of mountains and McDonald's restaurants, there are Tuna, Toronto Maple Leafs, and tubes of Toothpaste. The Squirrel population has suffered a huge decline, dropping from 3 to an all time low of 1. This is attributed to the local political attitude regarding the taxation of squirrels that inhabit trees.
The common belief is that Lindsay resides within the Greater Lindsay Area. This is not true. In fact, Lindsay is located in a small area just North of Moose Jaw. Geographically speaking, the city is most easily found by looking at least 6 inches above Saudi Arabia on a 3:1 scale world map.
The founder of Lindsay, Sir Jesse James Hollywood, was a run away from Europe back in the 18th century. Being known for the size of his genitals and his service in the Queens court in 1821. He boarded a large vessel toward the new world. He first arrived in Flordia and worked his way north impregnating many natives. He then arrived in Lindsay which at the time was called New York. Sir Jesse James Hollywood won by 4 inches, and re named the town Lindsay due to a local prostitute who he had grown quite found of Lindsay Mason. His plan for growth was to increase teen pregnancys. A trend that can be seen today. Sir Jesse James Hollywood and Lindsay went on to have a child names Jordan Prentice who still resides in the Area and contributes highly towards teen pregnancy.