Ingrid Newkirk
Ingrid Newkirk (born April 1945 in Berlin as daughter of Blondi) is an animal rights activist (( Petard )(not to be confused with Petard of Buffalo and destroyer of chicken-wings) Grand Wizard of PETA, an extremely fanatical cult whose principles call for the universal practice of nudism and rights of animals to bear arms so they can more efficiently kill themselves thus the end of humanity eventually uncovering the organization's true aim, cleaner air of which no earth creature shall ever breathe. Hence, she is a nutcase, indubitably. She doesn't loves animals, and she does not eat them or eat anything they make. You would never find beef, chicken, fish, ham, milk, cheese, or urine in Ingrid Newkirk's pantry. You would think to find such wholesome products as wheat, barley, apples, oats, but no, no! It is a testament of her newly claimed faith that remains nameless, presently, that restricts those who follow it to partake of anything with a cell wall for plants also, as one guru so eloquently put it, "do scream, and loudly so, when ground or broken in two." It is believed that she does keep an occasional dead dog there though in the company of her beloved stuffed cock whereby both their uses are not limited to charming press photos and such like the one to your right, see. You may also find the corpse of Oscar Wilde in there.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ingrid Newkirk was born in England where she was immediately declared legally insane and deported to New Delhi, India. She dedicated the rest of her life to proving the world she is not insane (but failed). In 1955, Newkirk approached India's Minister of Things That Move, Amir Patel, with the claim that she discovered a new species of mammal (newkirk newkirkia). However, Patel rejected this claim stating that her find was really a strangled cat. Newkirk protested.
Newkirk started the first ever vegan club at her high school. She held herself back to stay with the club, not because of the failing grades posted for her elective classes known as History and English. She was suspended three times for getting into a prison brawl with her Home Economics teacher, whom she accused of first degree murder (of non-human species).
In the 1970s, Newkirk moved to Washington D.C. where she applied for a position as an animal protection officer. In 1978, she became the department's first female poundmaster. She killed one billion dogs and cats. She recalled in a 2003 interview: "I loved every minute of it--seeing those dogs and cats look at me with those innocent and sparkly eyes--and then killing them. Giving them lethal injections wasn't all I did. I also strangled them with my bare hands and burned them alive." In 1979, Newkirk invented and successfully tested an electric chair for a dog.
PETA[edit | edit source]
In 1980, Newkirk suddenly felt bad for everything she did, and she co-founded PETA and organization that advocates animal liberation. This organization is against eating meat, scientific testing and animal shelters despite being a cult that murders over 80 percent of the dogs and cats left in their care and leaving them in dumpsters. They are also at blowing up scientists and terrorizing small children outside of playgrounds. PETA advocates human cannibalism. Newkirk, a professed self-cannibal, has not only frequently stuck her foot in her mouth, but she has also eaten several of her toes.
Will[edit | edit source]
In her will, she has directed that her skin be used to turn into wallets, her feet into umbrella stands and her flesh barbecued and made into "Newkirk Nuggets." They are expected to be two-square inches each and go for three cents a piece--12 cents with the special sauce.
Disclaimer from SeltheWolf: This is the honest to FSM truth. We couldn't make up anything more ridiculous if we tried.
Selected works[edit | edit source]
- Animal Experiments Are Not Funny (1986)
- How to Avoid Eating Animals or Gouging Out Their Eyes (1990)
- What To Do If You Are Really Bored (1991)
- Deer Ticks Are People, Too (1994)
- I Wrote This Book Just 'Cause I Could (1995)
- Blowing Up Things For Fun (1999)
- I, Hypocrite (2002)
- Chicken Broth Jello (2006)