Lycanthropy

An 11^th century wood-carving of a lycanthrope transformation. The artist was killed by said lycanthrope soon after finishing this work.

Lycanthropy is the art or process of changing into a wolf-man. This term can also be applied to the study of wolf-like creatures, the magics of changing into a wolf-man, or the wolf-themed paraphernilia sold in souvernier shops across England, Germany, Norway, and Romania. The word comes from the greek lykánthropos (λυκάνθρωπος). Unfortunately, due to industrialization and massive land development funded by McDonalds, there are very few wolves left in the Greek wilderness. The first person to have turned into a wolf was the king of Arcadia Gamia, who was transformed into a wolf after angering Zeus with a numerous amount of crappy video games, including the infamous E.T.

Causes

There are certain causes of Lycanthropy to which one must be aware. One of the most common causes is the lack of shaving. Should one go 3 or more years without shaving their body will end up transforming into a wolf. The only case where this does not apply is with Chuck Norris, who has been as woolen as a wookie since birth, but has never transformed into a wolf. Another way one might transform into a wolf is by eating psychedelics that have been expired. Their disgusting taste should be enough warning for you to not eat it.

Lycanthropean transformation can also be achieved through witchcraft. One can be willingly transformed by buying a witch a new pair of shoes or a sparkling white china set. On the other hand, transformation can occur unwillingly if you happen to make rude remarks about the large wart on her nose.

Treatment

The symptoms include wearing foppish hats at a jaunty angle.

There is no cure for Lycanthropy, but it can be treated in a way that the wolf-men don't end up devouring the innocent. The best way to calm them down is by throwing them a tender sirloin. They cannot tell the difference between beef and human flesh, which means that them eating it will give you enough time to run away. However, one needs to keep an eye out for grues while running away. Grues are attracted to the sound of a wolf-man mauling a defenseless human. Should the wolf-man fail to kill you, the grue will be the one to kill you instead.

Recent work by the zombie of Sigmund Freud have shown that the wolf-men kill innocent people not because they want to abate their hunger, but that they want to be loved. The werewolves always eat the person before they even get to form a friendship, thereby leaving the werewolves very lonely. Freud's advice for encountering a werewolf was simple and decisive: should a werewolf you ever encounter, give him a batch of cookies. Show him that you come in friendship. It is guaranteed that by doing this, you and the once lonely werewolf will be best friends forever. Just make sure that the werewolf doesn't end up stabbing you in the back.

Varieties

Although the term Lycanthropy is limited to wolves, it can mean the transformation into many other creatures. The people of India are capable of transforming into a man-tiger simply by huffing a tiger cub. The native americans can transform into a man-bear and the south americans into a man-goat. The resemblance between the man-goat and any of Satan's minions is purely coincidental. The native people of Africa can transform into hyenas, jaguars, and many other animals. These shape shifting skills were probably developed as a mean to hide from the white man during the colonial era. There are even tales of the aborigines people of Australia turning into weresharks, but considering scientists are too terrified to traverse into the water to prove this hypothesis, the theory looks suspect.

Fake Lycanthropes

Considering the powers one can wield as a lycanthrope, many have vied to become one. Most of them, however, have failed as their bodies do not contain a protein content sufficient enough to handle the magical transformation. To circumvent this setback, they thought of the idea to dress up as a wolf, run out into the streets, and yell to the public "look at me! I'm a wolf!" These people that falsely hold claim to having lycanthropy are called furries, and are a disgrace to the werecommunity. Real lycanthropes, when in a group, discuss classical poetry and literature. The furries wish only to engage in erotic cosplay with others of their kind. Also, while true lycanthropes listen to jazz and classical music, furries love only J-Pop.

The process of telling between a furry and a real wolf-man is quite simple. All you have to do is light a match and hold it up to their fur. If they burst into a raging inferno, then you have yourself a furry. A furry's costume is composed of synthetic fibers, thus making the costume highly flammable. If the subject were a real lycanthrope, they would rend you in twain before you could even get the flame 10 feet to them. This soon led to the phrase "don't give the wolf-man a match, or he'll rip you in half!"

See also

• Wolfenstein