Amusement arcade
An amusement arcade or video arcade is a little place where people exercise 'doing it' and BDSM by jacking off little metal and plastic phalluses and punching plastic nipples. These are called "joysticks" and "buttons". Anyways, joysticks and buttons are attached to large machines with bright screens called "video game machines". These are awesome, and will totally get you laid.
Video games are the global lead cause of violence, having directly killed 16 trillion children in the past six months by satanic electromagic radiation violence theory
In 2005, it was finally admitted by the inventor of Space Invaders, Taito, that video games were originally invented as a joke on the players. The joke was that in the 1970s and 1980s, video arcade employees would watch gamers play "Pac-Man" through one-way mirrors and laugh at how funny it was that they tricked the game-player into masturbating a metal dildo to a yellow dude who looked like an anus.
Many exciting types of these machines exist. There are video games that are standard button-dildo machines, dance machines, which allow you to frantically tap-dance around in order to convey the image that you are dancing and not shifting leg positions in order to not get made fun of, and racing game machines, which are basically a way for kids under 16 to think that they're driving. The latter two brutally murdered the standard arcade machine during the late 1990s.
Popular Arcade Games[edit | edit source]
PONG[edit | edit source]
Pong was one of the first arcade games ever, released in 1971. It was a simulation of ping-pong via shitty black-and-white graphics. While being one of the oldest video games ever, it is still extremely popular, and was hated by Fred Phelps "for allowing gay people to play", which just makes it even better.
Space Invaders[edit | edit source]
Space Invaders was released in 1979 originally as a practitioner's simulator to simulate killing of the final remnants of the hippie species, which became fully extinct on January 1, 1980. The player was originally depicted as a sniper who gunned down a slow-moving barrage of hippies. Bonus points were offered to those who could shoot Charles Manson, who floated by occasionally. Once it was the 1980s and hippies were no longer a current issue, the game was remodeled to fit in with the blatant homosexuality of the 80's, and the player's sprite was edited to look like a penis.
Centipede[edit | edit source]
Centipede is a game in which you must use your penis to fertilize a train of fast-moving eggs in CGA graphics.
Pac-Man[edit | edit source]
Pac-Man was the most famous and cool video game ever made, before he got a sex-change and became Ms. Pac-Man in 1981. The game is about a little yellow man on magic mushrooms who runs around a maze, away from hallucinogenic ghosts and gobbles crack. When Pac-Man finds a really big pile of crack, he gets really high and and overcomes the imaginary ghosts. The real Pac-Man has been caught and arrested for peddling crack cocaine to a group of 3-year-olds. He claims he was just "spreading the love". It is likely that Pac-Man has connections to Michael Jackson and all hippies. Pac-Man is known in other countries as "Pack-Man", "Puc-Man", "Paku-Man", "Puck Man", "Fuck Man", "Fuck Men", "Pakistan", and "That Little Yellow Crackhead Who Kids Jack Metal Dildos Off To".
Pac-Man says "don't do drugs, i did, now i can't stop munching on pills and multi-coloured condoms whilst dressing as a woman"
Donkey Kong[edit | edit source]
Donkey Kong was released in 1981 as a propaganda tool to introduce gamers to italian people. It worked quite well, and the italian dude in the game was not yet named became known as the sexiest man in the world. In other words, "Donkey Kong" is actually Ron Jeremy's first porno. The story in "Donkey Kong" is that Pauline, Mario's girlfriend, is kidnapped by a racist gigantic monkey named Donkey Kong, (or "Donkey Cock", occasionally) who plans to throw hydrogen bombs at italian people from the top of an unfinished skyscraper. The game's true ending features of animation of Mario taking a sledgehammer and repeatedly using it to whack Donkey Kong in the penis. It has been rumored that after a player scored 9,000,000,000,000 points in the game without dying, a live gorilla broke out of the arcade machine and beat the shit out of him as his "reward".
Frogger[edit | edit source]
Frogger is a game where the player guides a frog through heavy traffic, with intent on causing extinction of the frog species. The game is most easily won when the player allows Frogger to be squashed by a truck, but some like to make the frog's pain last by beating levels of the game before the frog's demise.
Pole Position[edit | edit source]
Pole Position was a racing game that was almost 3D. It had good graphics in the 1980s. Basically, the game featured then-famous strippers driving little orange cars around an endless racetrack that it's impossible to finish, while crashing into other cars and exploding. At one point, you could get your driver's license revoked for getting into an "accident" in the game, (or in your pants) though this was eventually abolished, since it was just plain silly.
Mario Bros.[edit | edit source]
Mario Bros. was the second attempt to get gamers used to seeing italian people beating up turtles and crabs with the excuse of being "entertainment". The story is that Mario and Weegee get fired from the carpenter business because they were caught masturbating on the job, and became plumbers. Instead of actually working, they spent their time kicking the shit out of innocent turtles, bugs, crabs, and icicles. Such acts are now a common practice among non-italian plumbers, thanks to this game.
Tapper[edit | edit source]
This game was originally called "Tapper", featuring a bartender who had to sell beer to the people in the bar. Of course, since beer is obviously a creation of Satan, the game had to be toned-down and renamed "Root Beer Tapper". This was eventually considered offensive too, and in 2012, the game's final revision, "Apple Juice Tapper" replaced all "Tapper" and "Root Beer Tapper" machines.
Star Wars[edit | edit source]
Star Wars is a 1983 game based off of the movie. It involves Luke Skywalker flying his X-Wing around the Death Star and flying through the ass crack of the Death Star, shooting the giant erecting penises on the surface, and masturbating to Slave Leia. All this in a primitive vector-graphics 3D masterpiece.
Gauntlet[edit | edit source]
Gauntlet was the first step in allowing RPG nerds to pursue the path to getting laid. For the first time, nerds could actually go out of their basements, and if they weren't beaten up before they reached the arcade machine, they could potentially interact with female nerds and reproduce. This was before the internet, of course.
Out Run[edit | edit source]
Another pointless but cool racing game with good almost-3D graphics.
Contra[edit | edit source]
Contra was one of the first video games to portray a homosexual couple as good guys. It features two badass dudes with machine guns shooting nazis and aliens in their humongous backyard for fun.
Double Dragon[edit | edit source]
Double Dragon is another game about homosexuals. Of course, I'm talking about Billy and Jimmy Lee. And since they're brothers, that makes them an incestuous gay couple. Fucked up, eh? Anyways, the goal of the game is to rescue their straight female friend (who shares their interest of fucking men) from a group of Westboro Baptist Church members.
Hard Drivin'[edit | edit source]
Hard Drivin' gets its name from the fact that the main character in the game is under the influence of alcohol. For the longest time, many believed that Hard Drivin' was the first racing game to use 3D polygon futuristic graphics. This is untrue, as the first racing game with 3D polygon graphics was Virtua Racing. Hard Drivin' used digitalized photographs of various objects from a cardboard box dimension, which is why everything appears to be made of cardboard boxes in the game.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles[edit | edit source]
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is one of the greatest video games ever. Why? Because it's awesome. The plot is that four turtles become ninjas and save April and Splinter and crap like that. It's very fun, and everybody who had sex has played this game at least once.
Raiden[edit | edit source]
Raiden is a game in which you fly a big red rocket over the land and shoot alien space ships.
Street Fighter II[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, there was never a "Street Fighter I". Street Fighter II is actually the first game in the Street Fighter series, and it casted Chuck Norris as Ryu and Mr. T as Balrog. The truth is, that is the single reason this game was so popular. It's just the result Chuck Norris's power. Every time you play this game, Chuck Norris gets a boner. And I'm NOT trying to say that the game's joystick is Chuck Norris' penis. That would be a major insult. When you insult Chuck Norris, you die.
Mortal Kombat[edit | edit source]
Mortal Kombat was konsidered very kool bekause it kontained large amounts of blood and gore. For the first time, the kasual gamer kould dekapitate, rip out a heart, and do other fukking krazy kikk-ass moves.
Virtua Racing[edit | edit source]
Virtua Racing WAS the first 3D polygon racing game. It was also revolutionary for not having a dildo on the machine, so for a long time, it was rumored that the game could cure being gay.
NBA Jam[edit | edit source]
NBA Jam is a basketball game with ultra-hyper-photo-photon-sensor-photosynthesis-realistic graphics of pixelated REAL PEOPLE! WOW! The game's title comes from an incident in which a MIDWAY executive jammed a basketball hoop up his rectum for good luck.
Cruisin' Exotica[edit | edit source]
Cruisin' Exotica is that same freaking game you find in EVERY SINGLE PIZZA PARLOR ON THE PLANET. The game consists of racing through "exotic" locations in crappy cars while this asshole keeps talking over you to point out poorly rendered landmarks. When you run into an animal, they burst into a mess of blood and guts, while your car is unaffected. MIDWAY is responsible for this dung heap, unsurprisingly.
Ridge Racer[edit | edit source]
Ridge Racer was one of the first 3D games to have graphics that didn't 100% look like cardboard boxes. This game was very popular and it was ported to the GayStation two years after its release. It also spawned two rape-oriented sequels, Rape Racer, and Ridge Raper.
Virtua Fighter[edit | edit source]
Virtua Fighter was the first 3D fighting game to feature people with square noses. Like the advertisements had shown, in early editions of the game, it was possible to fling a character out of the machine and break the monitor glass. This often caused power outages, but it was worth it, because Mickey Mouse often enjoyed kicking the shit out of the video game character when he hit the arcade floor.
Daytona USA[edit | edit source]
Daytona USA was SEGA's butthurt response to Ridge Racer and its rapist sequels. It involved non-techno music, shiner cars, and better graphics. Because of this game, nearly all non-DDR video arcade games released after it were racing games. Still, this game is pretty cool, and one of the few old video games that hot chicks will play without being brutally forced to by their male partner. In gay-friendly circles, this game has been released as "Gaytona USA".
Virtua Cop[edit | edit source]
Virtua Cop is the third "Virtua" game. It allows players to realistically taser, deny Habeas Corpus rights, and sexually abuse convicts that combine with Explosive Performance of Advance Graphics Techology Call Transform, clipping, and lighting That came before Nvidia CheeseForce 256 for 4 years!!!!!.
How to Be the Coolest at a Video Arcade[edit | edit source]
1. Dwell the arcade for at least 2 days straight. On the last day, you will have eight buckets full of tickets. Nobody's cooler at the 'cade than THAT guy!
2. Be really fat and rock at Dance Dance Revolution. Sweating gluttons prancing around are often showstealers.
3. Be a total dick to people who suck at Dance Dance Revolution, but don't ever actually play. Just watch.
4. Even if you aren't 21 or older, drink beer. Teenagers everywhere will immediately think you're an awesome badass.
5. Always buy the BIGGEST stuffed animal prize.
6. Never actually play a VIDEO game. Only play redemption games.
7. Play the most popular fighting game in the arcade from open to close in the arcade. When anyone approaches to play against you, snort derisively and A.) beat them decisively and say "That's right you walk away! THIS IS MY GAME! WHO'S NEXT" while applying Stridex pads to your gross pizza face, or B.) lose repeatedly, but whine and complain that your opponent is a cheater enough that they will no longer feel good about their victories against you, or really, videogames in general; they will start studying more, get a business degree, and later return to buy out the arcade you've frequented until well into your adult years, just to watch you walk up to the entrance one day and bawl your little loser eyes out upon seeing a "Coming Soon: Applebees!" sign outside the chained doors.
If you can abide by all or most of these rules, you will be coolest kid at the arcade, and every woman there will want to have sex with you, and you will probably be forced to make out with some transsexual lesbian conjoined retarded drunk divorced drag queens on the Jerry Springer show. And you'll be a millionaire, which is pretty cool, because no billionaires are ever gay or homophobic.
