Oompa-Loompas
“OOMPA FOOMPA!”
Preying on the general public's enjoyment of watching little people in real life, an evil corporation sought to have a show about them. However, all the real little people had far too much dignity to exploit themselves on television. So the company hired Al Pacino, dressed him in a wig and orange whatnot for comic relief, and duplicated him to create a full cast. Due to an oversight, however, Pacino was not credited in the show's debut.
The show, called Oompa-Loompas after the William Wordsworth novel of the same title, ran for one season in 1984. It was abruptly canceled after the disaster that occurred at the Oompa-Loompas studio. On March 25th, just after finishing Episode 30: I Can Only be the Four-Foot-Three Me, Pacino was angered by one of the light operators and promptly killed the man, rumour stating that he did so by repeated head-to-crotch bludgeoning.
What Pacino did afterwards is disputed, but the general belief is that he escaped from the United States and went further north, possibly to Iceland. There he is believed to have met and bred with Bjork, creating the small population of little people we call Oompa-Loompas.
In Captivity[edit | edit source]
Since 1984, a huge spike in the Oompa-Loompa population has occurred, despite the fact that all Oompa-Loompas are male. No one really knows why this is but we're quite sure that Mr. Foley is involved.
Because of the abundance of the little people, many of them in Iceland and the United States were captured and put into zoos. The Oompa-Loompas were just as present Canada as well, however none were imprisoned because of the country's generally peaceful nature.
Although the PETA and the ASPCA advocated for the Oompa-Loompas' rights to freedom, they have not yet been released. This is partially due the majority of the population's indifference to being in captivity. When asked for his opinion about this, one imprisoned Oompa-Loompa requested that the reporter "shove a lemon up [his] ass [and] let is leak, bitch" and that in the future he "not fuck [with] this side of the cell wigga."
Another, more amiable, Oompa-Loompa stated that he "would not care [if he were in the zoo] if only my chuff would stop bleeding."
It is uncommonly known, though highly relative too everything except natural sciences, that the Oompa-Loompa gestation period if about 4 days (give or take a few hours)
In Government[edit | edit source]
To avoid being put into zoos, many Oompa-Loompas have found protection in working for the government. California Representative Maxine Waters is a prime example of this. Until early this year, four-fifths of the United States Congress was comprised of Oompa-Loompas. This division of labour was originally appealing to the Untied States as it left people free to spend more time bullshitting their lives away. In recent times, however, citizens have not been pleased with the Oompa-Loompas' performance, citing it as "slow" and "inefficient" due to their horrible and incessent singing of their highly repetitive songs. Efforts have been made to find human replacements for Congress and normal American progress is expected to resume shortly.
The Future of Oompa-Loompas[edit | edit source]
What the future holds for the bizarre population is unknown, as many people are not speculating and simply ignoring them and hoping they go away. However, those daring enough to question the Oompa-Loompas on their plans got an enthusiastic response:
“I hope that we can raise awareness about the sad, sad imprisonment of our green-haired brothers and that, one day, all us Oompas will no longer be judged by our short stature or the orange colour of our skin..... or made in to sausages.”
The speaking Oompa-Loompa was then shot down by Dick Cheney an angered Smurf.
Another, more useful, project by the Oompa-Loompas is one to climb the alps in Switzerland. The official web site for Climb the Alps has recently been launched. It requests for donations for this elaborate project which involves making a chain of Oompa-Loompas that scales the height of one of the country's tallest mountains. When asked for permission, Switzerland stated that it "had no opinion" and that "the so-called "tiny people" could do whatever the hell they want."
The producers of Girls Gone Wild has more belief in Oompa-Loompas than the aforesaid country and are in the production of what they hope to be another famous, ground-breaking video. It's preliminary title, Little People, Big Dongs, stars ten of the species finest specimens. Many are looking forward to it's release, predicted to be sometime this summer.