Glasgow Caledonian University
|Glasgow Caledonian University|
|Motto||i'm lovin' it®|
|Location||Townhead, Glasgow, Scotland|
|Faculty||8760 (devised into three main schiltrons)|
- This page is about the shitty university in the suburbs of Glasgow. For the shitty university in central Glasgow, see the Wikipedia article.
“Scotland's finest University.”
“Whit ye lookin' at, ah'll chib ye!”
The Ghetto (as it’s known by the friendly inhabitants of Townhead) was officially founded in 1992 and has endeavored to cast off its roots and enter the 21st century in style with vast investment in gimmicky staff, reducing funding for supplies like self issue machines in the library and allowing massive allocation for product placement throughout the campus. It also allows inferior universities to outsource their problems on the campus, such as the lack of faculties at Strathclyde or the second rate students from Glasgow University. It is fast becoming one of the most reputable places for higher education in all of Glasgow, its prestige now not far behind its rival Stow College, so do not be fooled by the nickname: this is a cunning ploy by the university to reduce the overwhelming number of applications it receives each year, particularly for the coveted degree courses it offers in history, art, history of art and other such useful degrees.
The entry requirements are subject to course. Glasgow Caledonian University is at the world's forefront in research, particularly in fields such as psychology and psychoanalysis, as its students have much to offer as test subjects.
The campus as we know it was first designed in the late 1980s by a small German design team to be the new location of the Autumn Palace of the Third Reich, but as a result of the protesting residents at what they perceived to be an unethical institution, an enraged British government had the team sell its monstrosity to the Glasgow School of Cookery instead to show the people what happens when try to make a stand for their local area.
The post-modern influenced design includes a fairly large can of baked beans called 'The Satire Centre' (so-called because its chic modern facade revealing swarms of unwashed alcoholics works as a humourous representation of the whole university), predominantly a facility of bronze-age hovels that have been converted into state-of-the-art teaching rooms, but more importantly it is home to the library that houses the most extensive collection of both the Beano and the Dandy anywhere in the UK, along with stencils and other useless gimmicks to scare off prospective students; all funded by the massive amount of money crooned from the obscene product placement fitted throughout the campus. The university maintains that even without this amazing project it could still reach as high as #72 on the top UK universities' league table.
Situated in a pebble-dashed Porter Cabin and a Student union with two bars that no one uses and voted Glasgow's finest trough, it is an ideal place to see yet more product placement at the university; there are also security guards to see that you don't steal any cutlery; they'll just set aboot ya if you try. The cuisine is broad and at the GCU Refectory you can expect to enjoy terrible food from around the globe; from the fish and chips Slough-style to a curry Brummie-style.
Continuing investment will hopefully one day that eating at the university will not make for the difficulty of finding doctors and dentists to repair the damage done to students by the refectory.
On Campus there is also a gym that once again is used by nearly everybody except the students who are either too drunk to use it or too fat and lazy, generally the latter fuels a culture that allows for the former.
The Glasgow School of Cookery merged with the Glasgow School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in 1992 to form the Glasgow Caledonian University we all know to avoid today.
The aim of the new university was to offer easy-to-understand, straight out of the packet (or pocket), instant education and training to the niche market of students unqualified to attend the University of Paisley due to its colossal entry requirements (at the time, one Higher C). It sought to collaborate with commercial and industrial organisations and other providers of burgers and fries.
Departments and Faculties
The original three faculty structure was made up of:
- Science and Technology and
In 2002 the stucture was changed, so now not even the students can count the myriad of different schools, but they do include:
- The School of Built (i.e. fake) and Natural (i.e. destroyed) Environment
- Buchanan Bus School
- The School of Computing and Mathematical Sciences, which has become the first institution in the UK to offer a degree in Uncyclopedia.
- The School of Engineering, Science and Design, which is largely unoccupied due to the presence of a technical college (the ‘University’ of Strathclyde) just around the corner. The school is made up of four divisions:
- The School of Health and Social Care, which consists of five divisions (that's one more than the School of Engineering, Science and Design - PWNED!):
- The School of Life Sciences, which has a pitiful three departments:
- The School of Law and Social Sciences offers a variety programmes including the LLB, and is home to a number of research centres such as:
- The Scottish Poverty Information Unit, which, through extensive research, has established that poor people are poor because they lack money.
- Caledonian Heritage Futures Network, which, through almost no research at all, has estalished absolutely nothing, surprise, surprise.
- The Centre for Equality and Diversity, which doesn't need to do much, other than produce a report every other year to keep Metro readers informed that "We're all equal damnit!".
- The School of Nursing, Midwifery and Community Health
- Henry Miller - Briefly attended evening classes on Domestic Science
- Albert Camus - The absurd hand that guided him led him there
- Vladimir Putin - Fitness programs molded the Russian leader