Dundee

View over Dundee as seen from Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh.

“And lo, you will raise all cities of the infidel, for they are unclean. Save only Dundee, for living in Dundee is punishment in itself.”

~ Allah on saving Dundee

“Dundee is like a closet. Go in it and you are forever doomed.”

~ Reformed Homosexual on Dundee

“Could be worse, you could be in Crieff...”

~ Relieved Tourist on Dundee

Dundee (Scottish Gaelic: Dùn Dé), officially the City of Dundee, is the fourth-largest city in Scotland by population due to Council-mandated incestuous breeding programmes. It lies within the eastern central Lowlands on the north bank of the greyish-green luminescent Firth of Tay, which feeds into the North Sea. Under the name of the Sunny City, it forms one of the 32 council areas used for local government in Scotland.

Dundonians have no perception of time, purely because they can't read or even see due to "Buckfast Megaload in the Mouth". Dundee (Great Cesspit in Garlic) is actually 67 miles south of the Parker Dam at Aberdeen and was accidentally given the wrong name by the first ever Lord Provost Maurice Malpas. It is more widely known in Aberdeen as Scumdee (it is populated by scum) as they have taken a disliking to the lack of sheep, although they cannie talk, have you been to Aberdeen? It looks as if it were designed by Marvin the Manically Depressed Robot, and the people? They can plain just go and fuck themselves, or Dolly, or whatever. It has also been called Dumpdee (as it was Scotland's first rubbish dump, until Glasgow Paisley and England took the job). plus if you intend to visit Dundee be warned the best thing they have to offer is an shitey, old, wooden ship.

Geography

Built on the sides of an extinct volcano, the original name "Duntay" led to the hill being called Duntay's Peak. The original settlers of Duntay then emigrated to the United States in search of a volcano that actually worked, naming their new village "Dante's Peak" with a slightly different spelling to keep up with that annoying American habit. Surprisingly, Dundee is Scotland's only south-facing city, which would make it one of Scotland's sunniest cities, if the sun ever shone there. However, puzzlingly, it remains the skin cancer capital of the country.

Despite this excellent position, Dundee's position as the skin cancer capital of the world status is assisted by the proliferation of sunbeds. Recent estimates have suggested that tanning beds and other Solarium devices outnumber the human population by 3.141 to 1.

Dundee is surrounded by the flat, rolling fields of Angus to the North and Peter to the East, with the even flatter Victoria Beckham to the immediate West. This raises the question, "Why would the first settlers build a city on the region's only steep hill that happens to run into the sea to the South, that separates the city from the Kingdom of Fife and the glorious Principalities of Tayport and Wormit. Dundee, and is connected to Fife by two bridges (one of which (Tay Rail Bridge) has already fallen down as architect Thomas Bouch never took into account the extra weight of nesting seagulls)?".

After the Dundonian engineer's embarrassment after the Tay Rail Bridge disaster, they didn't do much better the second time around as the second bridge isn't even flat - a mistake that Fifers have to pay for by cycling a mile uphill to take their shopping home, at least they don't have any money to buy anything. The bridges were built after a series of ferries never actually brought anybody back, giving the terminal the name Broughty Ferry. It was later discovered that the missing people travelling south had either been trapped in Scotland's Secret Bunker or had moved to Scotland's nightclub capital St Andrews.

History

Two happy resident Dundonians.

Dundee is Scotland's bonniest city(in the same way Susan Boyle is), hence why it has the title Bonnee Dundee. Some may say it is the greatest city in Scotland, but they tend to be among the large number of methadonies (like teletubbies, but scruffier) who hang about outside the various pharmacies.

Originally built during the 1960s when a local man going by the name of D.C. Thompson started up the Beano. His instant success made him a local hero and it was not long before the Dandy was written up, so successful that a statue of comic star Desperate Dan was erected next to the one of Viz's Biffa Bacon in the city centre. The city is also famous for the 'Three Js'; Jute, Jam and Jewellery theft although the last one is more associated with Glasgow. More recently, Dundee has become a world centre for software development, it's greatest export being Rockstar North who created Grand Theft Auto in Edinburgh and persuaded children worldwide to murder their grandmothers.

Dundee's economy is now heavily dependent on a large Olympia swimming pool complex, neighbouring Gala casino and a a large frigate boat with a dead unicorn's head stamped to it's front.

Dundee was also the birthplace of Wm. Lows, a supermarket chain named after the inventor of milk which was later bought over by Tesco who currently have an average of 3.2 supermarkets in the city per Dundonian.

The city council has also recently started a city centre facelift to make it look more scenic and reduce traffic congestion by "bringing the city closer to it's seafront", presumably by flooding all roads along with the Overgate shopping centre, allowing the Seagate bus station to live up to it's name.

There are local yearly events that happen in Dundee which are now known world wide such as

• Search for clean needles in Templeton forest on Easter Sunday.
• Annual find a body part on Snobsville Beach - then use it to play volleyball - and the winning team gets to eat it after.
• Dogging trips to various places such as Camp park and NoHope Hospitol grounds where they take there dogs to fight each other for pleasure.

Also..... brian burns is well known to be the only guy in the U.K with 2 fully-functional livers.

Ejicashun

To this date not one Dundonian has ever grasped the skills of redading and writing not even myself. i still find it hard to redad, though hopes remain high that the baby-boom which the city perpetually goes through will throw up plenty of Jordans, Britneys, Kayleighs, Beyonces, Caitlins, Leigh-Annes and other bairns able to grasp the challenges of learning to walk upright on two feet and stringing letters the gether to make words - keep reaching for that rainbow!

Dundee burdens one too many a secondary school, the most prominent of this bad bunch is Grove Academy. Grove is headed by his gingerness Mr Hunter, who they say is a third cousin twice removed of Albus Dumbledore himself and direct offspring of a potato. The student body is 82% upper middle class arse holes who only care about themselves, most of whom are obsessed with nu rave and turban, and 18% normal people who would be declared "wierdo's" by the other 82%. This is testamount to the neon turban rave which took over the common room on March 6th 2008 - unofficial records claim nobody was killed, which is a shame because the average iq in Dundee would be raised from "clinically dead" to just plain stunted. The common room (as of April 2011) has turned into a hallway for passing by and very much hated resident "frizz heed" who doesn't like cards and the hit single "safety dance" by men without hats. The common room now has a great surround sound system, playing 95% shite.

Famous former students include the staff of the Kingsway McDonalds, Othello and Dr Perry Cox.

In stark contrast to Grove Acadamy, stands Braeview Academy. This educational cesspit churns out more impregnated students every year than it takes in in first years every August. The typical Braeview lassie has 4 bairns to 6 laddies (impossible you say? Nae! Nothing be impossible be you nearith the Tay!). Braeview, came all over your mum's face and mutated with the amount of manky shite on her puss to create:

• the jakey in town heading to Blairgowrie
• the jakey in town who steals your kebabs
• Margaret Thatcher
• 345,698 benefit cheats.

Are you happy now? You're mother is a dirty fuck.

Dundee is also famous for its two universities. The University of Dundee, the aborted lovechild of The University of St. Andrews and Baghdad Technical College is renowned for producing top quality medical graduates, including the world famous Dr Harold Shipman; the University of Abertay, or as it is often referred - 'University of Whitfield' - is known to teach the alphabet and the three times table. As Bell Street Technical College it had a standing in the world, now it's just another poor man's Uni.

Rivalry to attract students is fierce between the two institutions. Abertay claims to be supreme over all Scottish universities due to having 'more computers per head than any other university' and as per the 2003 television advert to provide 'a real education' and a broad Dundonian accent. The word 'Abertay' is in fact derived from the German words aber, meaning 'butt' and tay, meaning 'hole'.

Chief Export

In a city that used to write the news, make jam pieces and pishy clothes, the chief export is now a Class B (but until very recently legal) drug known as 'Bubbles' in Dundee, but Dundees in every other city in Scotland. This new drug has been transforming Dundee and, with hope, will help sort out the birthing problem as lots of Neds are taking these, and ending up dead because of the combination of arsenic and arse hair in it.

Many Dundilians happpily overlook the fact there are no orange trees in Dundee due to the extreme cold, and claim to be personally responsible for the invention of marmalade. Which is an odd thing to wish to be known for.

There is also a games company there called Realtime Worlds which has been said to have made a few decent games for the residents of Dundee to play when they are not inbreeding. Unfortunately, this has now gone bankrupt, reducing the total number of Dundonians who still have jobs to 3.

The the Dundee team now out of business leigh griffiths has now admitted he is a pure mad bubble head or 'Bubbleheed' as known to most dundonians.

Nightlife

The nightlife in Dundee was on a whirlwind growth in the early 1980s, but was rudely interupted when it was revealed by the Sun newspaper, that Dundee had had an affair with Kerry Katona's bucket fanny, and was infact responsible for the rancidity of Monifieth and Kirkcaldy. This stigma, tarnished Dundee's prospects as an up and coming hot pimple for night time frolics, and Dundee was left in late night ruins.

That is until Mr O. Bese Samuel, or Fat Sam as his pawls cladly named him, while walking down Ward Road one dreary afternoon, was inadvertendly stung by a mutant bumblebee. This then caused him to swell and morph into a 3 story nightclub. If you sit in 'The Pod' on the first floor.... and if you sit on the stool second from the left....no, not that one, move along a bit more....uh yeah, that one and then lift up the stool and peer underneath it - THERE, see, lies the beating heart & lungs of Old Fat Sam himself. Breathing in the lustful fumes of the cities underagers, beating with that tedious bassline, gulping down your money like it's salted, shivering in anticipation for deep penetration....i mean, what?

City of Discovery

City Centre Parking, Dundee

In 1987, local Dundonian Ivan Golac discovered genuine alligators in the sewers of Dundee that had been orphaned after their owners had died after going into Ninewells Hospital to get their ingrown toenails checked. Originally the town was dubbed 'Crocodile Dundee' although this coincided with a large influx of Australian film pilgrims after Mr T's blockbuster film of the same name. However, after discovering most of them had emigrates to Australia from Dundee in the first place, a last minute attempt to rid the town of moaning Ozzies suggesting Scotland's sunniest city just wasn't sunny enough was put into action. They were all banished and sent back to Oz on the ship 'RSS Discovery' which was thrown off course by a Monsoon in the Indian Ocean.

The ship's crew finally admitted they were lost when they became trapped in Antarctica after taking a wrong left at the Maldives and were forced to eat each other to stay alive. This was also made into a film, although apparently it was easier for the Hollywood film crews in Los Angeles tBLOWJAYo film in the South American Andes than fly equipment out to the South Pole. Discovery Point was later built on Dundee's seafront as a lasting memorial to the ships crew and is now a popular museum. More unusually, on the 12th September every year, cannibals from around the world meet here where a randomly selected prisoner from nearby Castle Huntly prison is sacrificed in memory of those that died in the tragedy.

Residents(see inbred... yes, again.) of Dundee were the first to discover that instead of actually washing, spraying yourself with cheap Asda/Tesco deodarant works just the same.

Had a series of the ITV hit show "Club Reps" set in it. To watch this go to - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0EqpH12-a0.

Another aging relic in Dundee is that guy who always needs 10p for a cup of tea. You know that guy, puts on the stupid voice, jingles his cup, gets a bus from the bus station with his mate and talks perfectly normal and cowers away when you shout him and demand you chuffing 10p back...prick. You can see him from a mile off, look for a pathetic scruff moving timidly towards you with a hat in hand. Fuck off you dosser.

Sport

Tayside Police preparing for another Saturday afternoon at Dens Park.

It has never occurred to Dundonians that they may do better if a small city only had one main senior football team. To make matters worse, both football grounds are across the street from one another and punters can save £15 a head by watching the games from the top of Dundee Law free of charge. The two Scottish Premier League teams are known as Dundee United and Lochee United, with fallen junior side Dundee opting to play for a place in the OVD Cup. Lochee United have had such superstar signings like Danny cadamarteri, Ronaldinho, Pele and Zinedine zidane And David Baird Diego Maradona and Eric 'Sinky' Sinclaire. Dundee however, have recently brought in Leigh Griffiths (see Static Shock - superhero) and Gary Optimus Prime Harkins to help them in the fight against the Thistles of St.Patrick. Once the Kray twins took over The Fun Team, they set about turning Dens into a rubbish dump by day come strip and poker club at night they had their heart set on biggers things, including a property in Brighton. So retiring they left the club look for a new Pimp master. Along Came Dee5Death an organisation set up from local dole money to get the local drugged up and father of four already teenagers to play football on a saturday for nothing. To great success they now have a creche and methadone shop. NOTE: All Dundee United home games have been posponed due to the fact that everyone within a 4 mile radius of Tannadice Park refused to take a drugs test.

Dundee Uniteds players and supporters have been nicknamed "The Arabs" in reference to there treatment of their wives and girlfiends.

Dundee's fighting culture has also produced a number of rising boxing stars including world welterweight champion Joe Dundee and Jim McLean who, after defeating Muhammed Ali, mistakenly punched BBC Scotland reporter John Barnes, thinking he was Jimmy Hill.

Not only is it the city of discovery but also holds the title of sunshine capital of scotland, accounting for 3 enitre hours of sun every year. Dundee also holds the record of "Most Underage Pregnancies" in, perhaps, the whole world. As many as 7 out of every 8 teenagers give birth to a screaming little Dundonion runt every year. This poses the problem of whether it should be classed as the city's official sport but the Lord Province can really be arsed.

The "women", if you can call them that, of Dundee have also recently discovered that taking it up the poop shoot does not lead to an unwanted pregnancy!!

The term Dundee United in Lagos, Nigeria is slang for a mentally handicapped person.

The Perth based team known as St Johnstone FC see's Dundee FC as their rival team. However when asked about St Johnstone, most dundonians reply "Is that not yon cardinal bishop in london?"

Evolution in Dundee

Not that Dundee stupid!

recently there has been a large amount of evolution in Dundee. Some of the neds have now evolved into what is known as "Emo's", of couse the wannabe emo's are not yet human but are still higher ranked than the average Ned.

Neds or the Lynch family in Dundee will usually be heard saying the following phrases;

• "Moshpot"
• "Oi mister gonna get me a kerry oot"
• "Meh goad i nivir done nuttin"
• "It wisnae me it wuz hum!"
• "Eh well meh big cussins awa' tae batter yih"
• "Eh dingies"
• "Omg i'm pregnant"
• "Eh yih wir pure steaming"
• "He/Shes pure raging"
• "Ehm gonnae pahn yer windies"
• "Dinna you ever!"
• "Awhhh...That's Pure Mental Man"
• "That'll be chocolate"
• "Nae danger power ranger"

Identifiying a ned: Neds of Dundee can usually be spotted by; (if Male) wearing tracksuits, nike trainers, burberry clothes, with a joint, chucking fireworks or by their oary voices. (if Female)has an Orange face, is pregnant, or is anorexic, and usually wears short skirts, or just long tops with footless tights, they are often seen wearing coats that are similar to bin bags. You can normally find them in one of the many Dundee brances of McDonalds

these neds are evolving into "wannabe emo's (fourfa.com)" Wannabe emo's (fourfa.com) are supposedly individual, and are known as "Weemos for short by real emos (fourfa.com) ,moshers,goths,skater etc" although most have black hair, lip rings, wear vans and sit outside the steeple, they are not quite normal in the head and all have emotional breakdowns a few times a week. These people usually cry over an ex that they never likes in the first place, want to commit suicide because they get slagged(allthough they only get slagged for constantly trying to commit suicide), Emo's (fourfa.com) have a tendency to sit inside places like mcdonalds spit balling people, chucking napkins on the floor, sitting in the kidies party area and randomly slaggin neds at every opportunutiy.

Evolution is set to soar in Scumdee, as it has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, oprobably through inbreeding. There is hope that this behaviour will eventually wipe out all Scumdonians.

Local Cuisine

• Pehs (also known as "pies" in all other English-speaking parts of the United Kingdom)
• Bridies
• Other Dundonians (canibalism is still rife in Dundee, try the boathouse special(you), or just drop in for a spunky pal blood orgy)
• Crocodile
• cigaretes
• Pork - snack favoured by Dundee born Allah
• Greggs Steak Bakes and Irn Bru for special occasions
• The legendary lunchtime special served at the bread basket
• The famous sinbad bombay bridie
• Trak canteen (yids)
• shite we sugar
• Locals can browse the local takeaway menus from the comfort o' their aine hame
• Free soup from the christian place just of Perth Road, this is probably the healthiest food you can find in dundee(this is limited to only Wednesdays, and you have to be a student, but to be honest its shite soup anyway).

*part of The Law Monument, which if you call the Law Hill Monument you are likely to be stabbed or 'chibbed' as they call it because Law means Hill in broad Dundonian. It has also recently come to light that if you pour boiling water over a dundonian, you effectively will find a new flavour for pot noodle.

Quotes

“Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay! Alas! I am very sorry to say, that ninety lives have been taken away, On the last Sabbath day of 1879, Which will be remember'd for a very long time, but then, one supposes, that's what happens when you let a FEB build a bridge..”

~ William McGonagonagonagonagonagall on the Tay Rail Bridge Disaster

“Dundee is indeed an armpit. Leave, at all costs... ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dundee

“I Droped ma iPod doon the shitter again then shat on it i have tae clean it wi ma next door dishwasher or ell hav tae go steel another fae ma ma!! ”

~ Toby McDougald

“Dundee ish one shithole of a placshe, God knowsh how anyshone cansh livesh there...”

~ Sean Connery

“Henceforth I proclaim it to be illegal to wear high heeled shoes in the city of dundee...ach...kilt...irn bru...”

~ William Wallace on Dundee

“Eh'm a Dee, eh'm a Dee, eh'm a Dee till eh deh ”

~ Jocky 'Teckle' Scott

“Aye, it's pure pish ”

~ Walter Smith after Rangers win yet another title in Scumdee

“Dundee's pure great! I get loads of benefits for being a single mum with 6 bairns ”

~ 13 Year old Dundonian, Chantelle-Mercedes McLaughlan

“ Och Jesus Christ, roll up the windees and drive straight through! that stench oh pish is pure beelin ”

~ Winston Churchill on Dundee (This quote was recorded shortly before he canceled his visit)

See Also

• Scotland
• Dave Sewell
• Hell
• Alex Salmond
• Places in Scotland