Forfar
Forfar (or Farfar in local Doric) is a small market town in Angus, Scotland. It is generally only ever visited because it's the only place in the area for locals less than 10 miles away to have a decent supermarket. For the first time in around 30 years, the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh once visited the town in 2004 despite Glamis Castle (pronounced Glams for all the twats out there) being only a few miles away. This should tell you quite a lot about Forfar just from this short paragraph.
About the town[edit | edit source]
Forfar was founded in 1806 by The Proclaimers (Fifers) while they were thinking up lines for their song Letter from America, when a local took two words, for and far, to name the town as such. Since then, it has been just as useful and interesting as its name. Forfar is similar to its purpose as an A90 service stop like Brechin, so much so that the locals of one place have begun to look similar to the other, in a bad way. Forfar also has a college which nobody is ever seen on and is merely decorational for the sake of inspiring people to go and be educated elsewhere other than a farm, of which is constantly reminded of to those in the area by the overpowering smell of manure eminent in the Summer season from the fields covering three sides of the town.
The centre of the town and hub of activity in Forfar is the area known as The Cross. The origins of the name The Cross came from the fact that this was where the town crucified local criminals. This is a tradition that continues to this very day. Crucifixions of the criminals arrested over the weekend occur every Monday morning at sunrise. The crimes commonly carried out by Forfar’s inhabitants are committed by drunks, crack-heads, Forfar Athletic, whores, neds, blokey wankers wearing tight t-shirts fighting other blokey wankers wearing tight t-shirts, 20-something males driving their modified cars around picking up underage teenage girls, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, people not indulging in incest and sexually frustrated 16 year old boys.
Items of Interest[edit | edit source]
Forfar is home the world famous Forfar Lorne Sausage - a sausage that has been flattened to stop your sausage rolling out of your bap and getting sauce all of the place. Two local bakers known as McLarens and Saddlers also produce the scottish variety of a Cornish Pastie, known as the Scottish Pastie. These commonly come in either steak or mince & onion varieties, along with a chicken curry version
Forfar is also home to the infamous Forfar Academy. Daniel Stewart is know well around the old lands of Forfar as the most nutella-ish, crazy-eyed god, as is admired my all. There is also a baldy guy who walks about Forfar who has one half of his face tattooed. Nobody actually knows his name. Its success rates are questionable with only 1% of its students actually getting a decent qualification.The teachers also have a tremendous lack in their use of IT technology, with only about 1 in every 10 teachers actually having a clue about what a keyboard is. The building is a 1960's disaster. The big blue box can be seen from every point of forfar and adds to the overall low appeal to the town. Some liken its appearance to a horrifically ugly TARDIS. So overall with its success rates, teachers and disgusting looks, Forfar Academy is trully a big highlight in developing your childs future career in developing STI's such as chlamydia and the Smith ( patented by local resident R. Smith ), learning how to haggle succsesfully in the drugs industry and develop questionable hygeine from its teachers.
The ownership of the Scottish Pastie (or Bridie in Gaelic) does in fact belong to Stephen's the Baker in Dunfermline, Fife which are far superior as any visitor to East End Park would tell you. The reasoning for this false claim is mainly because Forfarians have a chip on their shoulder about the other local towns inventing great things - Arbroath invented the Arbroath Smokie, Watson-Watt from Brechin invented the gaydar,Montrose invented the Minker and Kirriemuir has supplied idiot's to villages all over the country.
Forfar is also home to a senior football club known as Forfar Athletic. They currently play in the Scottish Second Division after relegating local rivals Arsebroath to the bottom basement.
Local inhabitants of Forfar have come to notoriety through their quite normal behaviour. Jimmy (surname unkown), is commonly seen working Forfar’s streets waiting for the kerb crawling taxi drivers to pick him up where he charges four bottles of Irn-Bru and twa plaine bridies an' an ingane ane an' a' for his services. A lunchtime tryst between the Hunchback of the East and Old Church and his sister resulted in another such notorious local, Mandy Cornflakes. Mandy, in an unexpected coup, has recently obtained sovereignty over the town and in her free time can be seen frequenting coffee houses with the local bohemian population. Outwith her intellectual and political pursuits she likes to perm her hair into a style that she has become so known and loved for in the town. Her favourite pastime is to sing at the karaoke nights in the town’s various hotspots. Her singing has been likened to that of a young Tom Jones crossed with Dizzee Rascal which has led to rave reviews in the town’s tabloid, The Forfar Dispatch. Another local towns-person is an Uncle Festor look-a-like who is often seen waiting on a taxi standing outside Woolies.
Reading born painter Scot Strachan resides in Forfar and from his one bedroom studio, creates pieces which have adorned the walls of art galleries such as the Louvre and the Rijksmuseum.
Strathmore water is also bottled within the town, this being Scotlands version of Coca Cola's Dasani seeing as it's really water bottled from the local farmers' taps. This is often why the nearby city of Dundee commonly suffers from small-scale droughts and hosepipe bans as all of their water from the local reservoir is sent to other hotels both nationally and worldwide.