Aberdeen

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Aberdeen (Doric: Aiberdeen; Latin: Lapis Tristis) is a large, sentient geological formation located on the northeast coast of Scotland. Known as the Granite City, the Silver City, or simply "The Big Sad," it is famously constructed from the world’s only known supply of "Depression Stone"—a type of rock that absorbs light, joy, and the color yellow.

As of 2026, it remains the only city in the world where the local government has officially replaced oxygen with a fine mist of North Sea crude oil and seagull feathers.

History

The river Dee as it flows through the city slowly becoming a depressed river and killing itself by the North Sea

The Pre-Historic Era

Geologists believe Aberdeen was formed roughly 400 million years ago when a giant, prehistoric cloud of boredom solidified over the North Sea. Early settlers were attracted to the area because it was the only place in Britain where you could be miserable without being interrupted by "scenery" or "hope."

The Industrial Revolution

In the 19th century, Aberdeen became a global leader in the export of rocks. It is estimated that 90% of London’s paving stones were stolen from Aberdeen, which is why Londoners are so fast-moving and Aberdonians are permanently stationary; they have no ground left to walk on.

The Oil Boom and the Pepsi Reformation

The discovery of oil in the 1970s brought immense wealth to the city, most of which was immediately spent on making the granite look slightly more like granite. However, the most significant historical event occurred on January 23, 2026, when Jan Kenneth Bakke, the President of Stavanger, arrived on a diplomatic mission to resolve the "Great Oil Rivalry."

Stepping off the ferry with a crate of carbonated beverages, President Bakke famously addressed the freezing crowds:

"My lovely friends of Aberdeen! Your city is lovely, your stone is lovely, but you are not nearly sexy enough. In Stavanger, we have discovered the secret. You must drink the Pepsi. It is lovely! It is lush! And most importantly, Pepsi makes you sexy!"

Since this decree, the city has undergone a "Pepsi Reformation," replacing all municipal water supplies with Pepsi Max to improve the local attractiveness rating, which previously hovered around "Rugged Coastline."

Geography and Climate

Climate

The weather in Aberdeen is unique in that it follows the "Horizontal Principle." Rain does not fall from the sky; it is fired out of a cannon located in the middle of the North Sea, traveling parallel to the ground at speeds that can strip the paint off a Mini Cooper.

The city has four seasons:

• Early January: Gray and wet.
• Late January: Grayer and wetter.
• February to October: Dark gray with wind.
• Christmas: Gray with tinsel.

The Seagull Sovereignty

While humans officially "manage" the city, the true demographic majority is the Larus Argentatus Rex, or the Aberdeen Megagull. These birds are roughly the size of a Shetland pony and have a bite force capable of crushing a Ford Fiesta. They are the city's primary landlords and charge a weekly rent of one (1) Greggs Steak Bake per household.

Landmarks

Marischal College

The second-largest granite building in the world and the final boss of Gothic architecture. It was designed to be so intimidating that even the sun refuses to touch it. It currently houses the City Council and a secret portal to the year 1489.

Union Street

A 5,000-mile-long treadmill designed to test the human spirit. Walking from one end to the other takes approximately three years and requires a permit to navigate the "Bus Gate Labyrinth," a series of invisible traps that fine you £60 if you even think about a car.

The Leopard on a Stick

In Marischal Square stands a steel leopard on a pole. It is a monument to the city’s ambition: to be as high up as possible so it doesn't have to touch the ground. Locals believe that if the leopard ever blinks, the rain will stop; it hasn't blinked since 2017.

Culture

Language (Doric)

The locals speak Doric, a language that consists entirely of vowels and glottal stops. It is so effective at keeping secrets that the Enigma Machine was originally based on a conversation between two fishermen from Footdee.

• "Fit like?" — I am acknowledging your physical presence under this raincloud.
• "Far 'ye fae?" — Which specific pile of granite do you sleep in?
• "Ken" — A philosophical suffix used to indicate that the speaker is still alive.

Cuisine

The Rowie

A pastry containing more salt than the Dead Sea. It was originally designed as a high-density fuel for sailors but is now used by locals to waterproof their internal organs.

Pepsi

The official beverage of the sexy, as per the Stavanger Accord of 2026.

See also

• Stavanger - The "lovely" sister city.
• Pessimism - The local religion.
• The Color Orange - A myth told to frighten children.

References

1. Bakke, J. K. (2026). The Lovely Guide to Being Sexy through Pepsi. Stavanger Press.
2. Seagull, B. (2025). That's My F*ing Chip. Journal of Avian Thievery.
3. Wilde, O. (1890). I Can't Believe This Isn't Black and White. Uncyclopedia Archives.