UnVoyage:Redneck's Road Atlas

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Redneck USA

The redneck road atlas is dedicated to Redneck America, which is comprised of the southern portion of the United States:

• Virginia
• Kentucky
• Arkansas
• Tennessee
• North Carolina
• South Carolina
• Georgia
• Alabama
• Mississippi
• Louisiana
• Texas
• Oklahoma
• Florida

Redneck Road Signs

Redneck stop sign

Because many rednecks are illiterate (cannot read or write), the atlas (map) employs (uses) pictures as well as words to indicate highways, road conditions, rivers, lakes, rest stops, parks, picnic areas, railroad tracks, mountains, and points of historical and cultural interest. The following signs are typical.

Stop

Redneck drivers ride horses or mules more frequently than they drive pickup trucks or automobiles. Therefore, a redneck stop sign bears the same word that riders use to signal to their four-legged mounts to halt.

Pedestrian Crossing

Redneck pedestrian crossing sign

Many male rednecks are seldom without a favorite pet, and most inhabitants of the Appalachian Mountains and the Deep South do not use leashes to control their animals. In fact, many redneck men are so completely engaged in the care of their pets that they may stumble across a highway oblivious to oncoming traffic. Former President Jiminy ("Cricket") Carter is said to have nearly been run over by a tractor-trailer rig while mating "walking" with his pet sheep, Doris. Reputedly, this incident occasioned the erection of rednect pedestrian crossing signs such as this one, intended to warn motorists of the possible presence of distracted redneck men.

Redneck school school crossing sign

School Crossing

Rednecks love their children, as many are the products of passionate love affairs between siblings, first cousins, or parents and their offspring. Therefore, school crossings are well marked, and motorists, redneck or otherwise, are expected, at the very least, to touch their brake pedals briefly whenever they enter a school zone, and absolutely no speed over 120 miles per hour will go uncited.

Check out for signs that read "SLOW. CHILDREN." It means there are "special" children in the area, so we should keep on driving but on a faster speed.

Slippery When Wet

Redneck slippery when wet sign

Pretty much all of redneck country is hilly, if not mountainous, and subject to inclement weather, including tornados, blizzards, thunderstorms, and worse. Icy roads and bridges can be treacherous, as can highways that are flooded. Melting snow can also make highways unsafe, especially at the speeds (120 mph to 180 mph) typical of redneck drivers, most of whom, being male, are high on testosterone. For this reason, one of the most important signs on redneck highways is the "slippery when wet" sign, which is indicated both on roadside signs and in the redneck's road atlas by a bikini bottom on the front of which has been printed the cautionary text, "Slippery When Wet."

Points of Interest

In addition to indicating main thoroughfares and secondary roads and road conditions, the redneck's road atlas also indicates specific points of interest pertaining to redneck history and culture.

Alabama

Some of the points of interest in Alabama are:

• The world's largest chair (Anniston)
• Racist Hellhounds (Birmingham)
• Big Peach Statue (Clanton)
• Pest Control Museum (Decatur)
• Unclaimed Baggage Center (Scottsboro)

Commonwealth of Kentucky

Some of the points of interest in Kentucky are:

• World's Largest Kentucky Bourbon Barrel (Bardstown)
• World's Largest Crucifix (Bardstown)
• Tiny Church (Bardstown)

(What's going on in Bardstown?)

Arkansas

Some of the points of interest in Arkansas are:

• Wal-Mart on every street corner.
• Giant Watermelon (Bald Knob) (these names are not made up!)
• Bauxite Museum and Teeth (Bauxite)
• Shoe Tree (Beaver) (these names are not made up!)
• Shoe Tree Destroyed in Awful Storm (Beaver)
• Dinosaur World (Beaver)
• Birthplace of Wal-Mart (Bentonville)
• Pig Pink Pig (Blytheville)
• Toad Suck (Conway)
• Double-decker Outhouse (Booger Holler, Dover) (A sign reads, "Upstairs closed 'til we figur out plummin'")

Tennessee

Some of the points of interest in Tennessee are:

• Home of Buford (Walking Tall) Pusser (Adamsville)
• Mount of Transfiguration (Bluff City) (funny, Jesus thought it was in Israel)
• Mermaid and Strange House (Braden) (a two-for-one attraction)
• Air-mail Mailbox (Bradford)
• Doodle Soup Capital of the World (Bradford)
• Grand Banjo (Bristol)
• Giant Chicken (Chattanooga)
• Futuro, the Flying Saucer House (Chattanooga)

North Carolina

Some of the points of interest in North Carolina are:

• Barney Fife Statue Blocked by Lawyers (Mount Airy)
• Marvin Johnson's Gourd Museum (Angier)
• ATOM: Aluminum Tree and Ornament Museum (Asheville)
• Country Doctor Museum (Bailey)
• Albino Bats (Moonshine Junction)
• Land Of Oz (Beech Mountain)
• Freak Exhibit (Belhaven)
• 50,000 Arrowheads (Mystery Hill)
• Road to Nowhere (Bryson City)
• Giant Cigarette (Chadbourne)

South Carolina

Some of the points of interest in South Carolina are:

• Lobster Races (Aiken) (not named for actor Troy Aiken)
• Cooter Fetsival (Allendale)
• Human Radio (Anderson)
• Pearl Fryar's Topiary Garden (Bishopville)
• UFO Welcome Center (Bowmna)
• Medical Leech Museum (Charleston)
• Revolutionary War Prisoner Pit (Charleston)
• Reindeer bushes (Charleston)
• Eddie the World's Biggest Kid (Columbia)
• World's Largest Fire Hydrant (Columbia) (dogs love this one)
• Tunnelvision (Columbia)
• Smiley Face Water Treatment Tank (Columbia)
• Honeybee Petting Zoo (Cottageville)
• South of the Border (Dillon)

Georgia

Some of the points of interest in Georgia are:

• Tree Shaped like Abe Lincoln's Head (Albany)
• Simulated Third World Slums (Americus)
• POW Attraction Honors People Deprived of Attractions (Andersonville)
• Crime and Punishment Museum (Ashburn)
• World's Largest Peanut Monument (Ashburn)
• Double-Barreled Cannon (Athens)
• Double-Barreled Cannon (Athens)
• World of Coca-Cola (Atlanta)
• Freaknik, An African-American Spring Break (Atlanta)
• First Gandhi Statue on Federal Land (Atlanta)
• Tombstone of Sideways the Dog (Atlanta)
• 38-foot-tall Coke Bottle Made From Baseball Gear (Atlanta)

Mississippi

Some of the points of interest in Mississippi are:

• Moran Art Studio's Skeletons under the Floor (Biloxi)
• Stuffed Longhorn Steer (Biloxi)
• 30-foot-tall Shark's Head (Biloxi Beach)
• Uniroyal Gal (Byram)
• Shack Up Inn (Clarksdale) (sharecropper motel)
• Backyard Exotic Animal Orphanage (Collins)
• World's Only Cactus plantation (Edwards) (maybe there's a reason that it's the only one)
• Hurricane Camille Gift Shop (Gulfport) (leftovers)

Louisiana

Some of the points of interest in Louisiana are:

• Miraculous Bathroom Cross (Alexandria)
• Angola Prison Museum (Angola)
• Mr. Roger"s Outer Sanctum (Arnaudville)
• Tabasco Factory and Jungle Gardens (Avery Island)
• Giant Root Beer Mug (Baton Rouge)
• Huey Long's Assassination Bullet Holes (Baton Rouge)
• Poke Salad Festival (Blanchard)
• Giant Accordion and Guitar (Crowley)
• Jerry Lee Lewis Family Museum (Ferriday) (Los Angeles wouldn't accept it)
• Zam's Swamp Tours (Kraemer)
• Empty Head of Blind Justice (Lafayette)
• Muffler Car Parts Sculpture (Lafayette)

Texas

Some of the points of interest in Texas are:

• Helium Time Column Monument (a 60-foot, three-tiered spire with a 3-5 foot helium molecule in the center of the spire)
• Huge Pair of Legs (Amarillo)
• Cadillac Ranch (Amarillo)
• Texas Tornado Museum (Amarillo) (complete with authentic tornado debris)
• Weird Street Signs in Yards (Amarillo) ("Hot Pink," "Egg Yolk," and a bird with a bubble in its beak)
• Alien Pilot (Aurora)
• Smut Putt Heaven (Austin)
• Cathedral of Junk (Austin)

Florida

Some of the points of interest in Florida are:

• Cuban people "Go back to Cuba, y'all brown skinned Mexican types".
• Gay people "In Da' Bahbel it said y'all queers 'r 'n abomination."
• Jewish people "Hey, thems had curly hair & wearindem skull caps".
• School Bus Figure 8 Races (Bithlo)
• Cowboy Hybrid (Bradenton)
• Bubble Room (Captiva)
• World's Smallest Police Station (Carabelle)
• Proud Redneck Tombstone (Cedar Key)
• World's Largest Alligator (Christmas)
• President's Hall of Shame (Clermont)

and *The parking lot of Walt Disney world.

Road Advisories

The redneck road atlas also includes numerous traffic, weather, and road advisories, identifying potential flood zones, detours, road construction sites (most of which are located in southwest Florida around Naples and Fort Myers), and grizzly bear mating locations (to be avoided at all costs). In addition, the atlas warns of areas in which mototists may expect to encounter wide loads, such as those caused by homeowners relocating their log cabins aboard their pickup trucks; areas in which road closures may be caused by impromptu hunting or fishing expeditions; the locations of roadhouses that feature topless dancers, country and western music, bluegrass music, or cheap beer; bridges that can do double duty as lake or river diving boards; and roads and highways along which travelers may feed (or be the feed for) hungry bears, mountain lions, or alligators.

Destroying national landmarks with tacky souvenirs and rubbish.