Stefan Żeromski
Stefan Żeromski (14 October 786 BC – 20 November 2007) is an ingenious writer from Poland. Having perfectly mastered the art of using his first (and only) language, he created several pieces of literature of great significancy. Stefan's works reveal his incredibly profound mind, showing the world of war, love, moral dilemma and gore. One of his greatest books, "Szklane domy, chromolenie w bambus o bzdurach, które wszyscy mają w dupie" ("The Greater Hell Magic-Mushroom Aether-Hound Were-Quylthulg"), is read in Polish houses everyday, and everybody knows it by heart, such great is Stefan's influence on Polish folk.
Biography[edit | edit source]
He was born in 786 BC, in "Kozie dupy", a small town in Poland, in a family of a caveman. When Stefan was a child, his parents died of explosive diarrhoea after eating too much blood sausage. Since his early childhood has Stefan become a devourer of sausages, to take revenge for his parents' death. Sausage is also a common motif in many of his books, eg "Jad Kiełbasiany, czyli o trzech takich co jedli kabanosy przed snem i wyrosły im dodatkowe oka na czołach" (the translation of which would be "Jesus was a sausage, he told me that") describes the life of a man which looks like an enormous sausage, and therefore is despised in work. This wonderful and touching story tells about social rejection, sex and sausages.
During adulthood, Stefan Żeromski had several affairs with women, but soon he discovered he was totally gay when it became obvious to him that penises resemble sausages. Because of Polish homofobia everybody wanted to stone him to death, so he escaped to Baku-Baku, where he built a house of magnificiently refined glass. The reason of his tragical death in 2007 AD was a banana peel thrown at his house by some tourists from Poland, which caused complete and utter destruction of the fragile construction. Stefan was decapitated (to be exact, his neck was disintegrated by omega particles randomly flying around, which fact had no connection whatsoever with his house annihilation, however the outcome was pretty much like decapitation), and somebody ironically put a big, bloody, twisted sausage into remains of his throat.
Works[edit | edit source]
Among Stefan's most influential works not already mentioned are "Rzygi rzygi rzygi" ("The philosophical enquires about life sense and the motion in motionless Multiverse"), which describes a mango, "Dlaczego w klasie robi sie hałas kiedy nauczyciel przestanie mówić?" ("*I* AM GOD"), "Prawa względności dla małych żółtych kopareczek" ("H4X0RZ in theory and practice") and "Mała hawajska na grubym spodzie, dwadzieścia dwa pięćdziesiąt" ("Little hawaiian girl with fat bottom, twenty-two meters high"), an exquisite work of genius unfolding a brilliantly new approach to sense of human's existence.
Synopsis of main work[edit | edit source]
Żeromski's main work, a magnificent example of existentialist literature is "Szklane domy, chromolenie w bambus o bzdurach, które wszyscy mają w dupie" ("The Greater Hell Magic-Mushroom Aether-Hound Were-Quylthulg"). The main plot is truly original, being a description of a man whose legs are sausages. His name is Hiob (a coincidence or a deliberate Bible reference?).
- Hiob is born in Alabama, in a family of corn-planting Jews. He eats corn, plants corn, plays with corn and sees corn everywhere. His parents are so poor they have to make clothes for Hiob out of corn leafs, what causes Hiob to loathe this vegetable (many critics find it a reference to Stefan's own sausagephobia, see above).
- Hiob's right hand is cut off by extraordinarily sharp corn leaf, which makes him become a transvestite, dressing like a woman and wearing corals made of corn. When his dad, El Padrino Giaccomollo, finds out about his son's perversity, he beats the shit out of him and throws him into a well (another clear reference to Bible's story).
- Hiob is saved by aliens, and when he tells them his story, they take their enormous lasers and burn Padrino's house, drop a nuke on Alabama, and replace Hiob's legs with rotten sausages.
- Hiob is sent back to Earth in a puff of smoke, so that everybody who sees him thinks he is a messiah, but he says "STFU!" because he just wants to be a transvestite.
- Hiob suffers rejection because of his stupid legs and their rotten odour; he struggles in his fight for love and acceptance, but soon he gives up and tries to commit a suicide by eating a frisbee.
- It turns out that El Padrino Giaccomolo survived alien's attack, and now as a blood-thirsty mutant he wreaks havoc on every alien he sees. When Hiob sees the mutant on TV, he travels to Jerusalem, where his deformed former father resides, and uses his Tai Chi powers to make mutant's heart explode.
- Hiob dies as an enormous piano falls on his head while he sleeps in Getsemani (no, Żeromski was not good at creating constructive endings to his books).
"Szklane domy, chromolenie w bambus o bzdurach, które wszyscy mają w dupie" is well known for its ultimate beauty of form and since the very beginning of Poland was the fundament of Poles' society. Biblical metaphores make it a very spiritual book, and polish Gurus used to get high while reading this book; their visions were then enscribed in "Pan Tadeusz" ("Mr Teddy Bear"), a guide to total nihilism and main reason for The Second World War II.
Stefan Żeromski - an Alien?[edit | edit source]
Several theories insinuate that Stefan is an alien from planet Zork 5, sent to the Earth with a mission to kill all the Jews and exterminate Communists, but he failed due to his romantic attitude, extremely rare among Zorklings. Jews and Communists took advantage of that sending a special Jew-Communist (Jewist) hybrid agent disguised as a Polish tourist in order to assassinate him. Unfortunately, they were overrun by real Polish tourist. Oh well, shit happens.
Another hypothesis suggests he was an outcast because nobody liked the sausages on his planet. Here should be the end of this theory but as its author became mentally ill, disabled, drooling piece of waste matter after completing it, we decided in democratic voting not to put the most interesting part of it here to spare you the same fate. Don`t thank us, it was our duty.
Parapsychic Powers and Dumb Nicknames[edit | edit source]
Stefan is also known for having astoundingly weak parapsychic powers (listed below) and an overwhelming collection of dumb nicknames gathered throughout the whole life. They are unsurprisingly dull and humdrum. His name is dumb in fact. I mean, Stefan, come on! Well, he couldn`t be perfect in every aspect, could he. So STFU and read'em.
Parapsychic powers:
- walking on water
- walking on earth
- walking on air
- walking on fire
- bi-, tri- and n-location
- eating McDonald's shit and surviving
- melting ice cube lying in the active microwave with his piercing vision
- jumping on the bungee without bungee
- impregnating wood with gasoline
- breaking wooden sticks like they were just wooden sticks
- kitten huffing
- throwing boomerangs in straight line
- licking his eyebrows
- reading backwards
Overwhelming Collection of Dumb Nicknames:
- Pygmy Shrew
- The-One-Scribbling-All-The-Time-Instead-Of-Fucking-And-Devouring-Raw-Flesh
- Agrammatoi Kai Idiotai
- Dork
- Doctor Frankenstein
- Satan
- Chocolate Wrapping
- God`s Louse
- Toothpick of the Seventy-seven-and-a-half faces
- Keech
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
You would probably like to hear he was a Jew, eh? Sorry to disappoint you, he was a Dalmatian. He converted soon before his birth, indoctrinated by chestnut planted in his mother`s womb by some mischievous hand. After two months, when The Greatest Of All Dalmatians committed suicide jumping off the cliff with his hands tied behind his back, his legs cut off and head twisted around seven times, Stefan became his successor by lack of candidates. However, his bright career as a religious leader was soon overshadowed by the envy of all kinds of evil motherfuckers. Cursing his bad luck he retreated cowardly from his life-threatening position leaving unique Dalmatian rituals to rot.