“W Lubawce byl wybuch wulkanu z kupy srania i po wybuchu kot to zjadl i sie zerzygal.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? My mother was a saint!”
Lubawka is a microscopic village somewhere in the heart of northern south-eastern Poland. It has a population of 3,000-6,000 people, depending on whether someone's family is in town and how many people you can find in its 'hotels'. The town is rich in cultural significance, including being vaguely near the birthplace of Wotsisface Copernicus, who is credited with discovering the sun. There are many ways to reach Lubawka, such as the road from the east, the tunnel (but where's the entrance?), and the cow trail/railroad.
Lubawka was founded in 1486 when a particular Polish dirt farmer scored the first and only victory of the Third Potato] War as he struck down his friendly neighborhood German. This dirt farmer, Kashimiez Lubawka, thrilled with his victory, rallied the locals, all six of them, and slaugthered Von Kleissen's family, returning the twelve acre farm to Polish hands for the first time in a hundred years.
The town grew rapidly over the course of the next fifteen years, becoming a premier resort town with its convenient proximity to the Czech-Kazhakstani border. Ads such as (and this is loosely translated) 'Come here and get free coal', 'come here or else', and the ever-popular 'come on your mom, I did', brought in people by the dozens. The town's population boomed to a healty 130 people, mainly janitors and still more dirt farmers.
With its newfound populace and proud victory streak, it was only natural that the town's pride turn to arrogance. In 1657, Lubawka seceded from the Great Polish-Ukranian alliance of the time and took its vengeance upon their ancestors' enemies: the Germans. As at the time Germany had been fighting off Future Hitler and his diabolical explosive Bratwurst from the year 2355, Lubawka's inhabitants managed to take a full hundred sixty square liters of Baltic ocean from their old enemies, suffering horrific casualties despite being unopposed in their quest to conquer the sea.
But any overstretched empire falls, and Lubawka's was no different. Increasing dissidence from the newly conquered territory reached a peak in 1658, and a bloody rebellion resulted, taking the lives of over sixteen people, including everyone's favorite prostitute Travis.
Lubawka licked its wounds for over a century, and due to its relatively insignificant location (all the coal had long since turned to then-worthless diamonds), the town lay forgotten until the Russo-Brazilian war of 1823. Desperate for allies to stop the advancing hordes of Brazilian supermodels, Russia annexed Lubawka as a last line of defence. Russia fell, but not before Lubawka and its inhabitants were decimated in the first ever operational test of a reverse-nuclear bomb.
The town stayed a ghost town until recently, when a drunk Sri Lankan purchased the town for the modern equivalent of $16.00 USD. A quick reconstruction job by the local Mexican battalion (correction, family) brought the town to its former glory, solid gold outhouse and all. By 1992 the town was completely repopulated, interestingly enough, by the descendants of those who perished at the hands of the Brazilians so many years back. As a result of the return of Poles to their land, the town has since degraded from 'Bosnian apartment complex' to 'WWII Stalingrad'.
Points of Interest
Despite the continual crumbling of its buildings and mysterious plumbing-related deaths, Lubawka remains a popular destination for anyone tired of such amenities as toasters and windows that won't kill you upon opening. The following is only a short list of the various sights and attractions:
The Town Hall
This aging structure only looks as if it's three hundred years old. This is only due to the skilled anti-craftsmanship of the building's fifty or so inhabitants and their thousand or so cats. The entire town parliament, all ten people, meet here regularly to discuss such important issues such as food shortages, epidemics and their 'Final Solution' to furries. EDITOR'S NOTE: Do avoid giving them any ideas.
Given the town's bloody history, one would expect a very crowded burial ground. Not so! This can be best described as the local marketplace, where the thriving potato-centric economy is only periodically interrupted by the occasional resurgence of the town's long-gone loved ones due to a slight sewage containment problem.
Easily the most interesting of the town's inhabitants, old man Raschiusko serves double duty as town gynecologist and one-man volunteer fire department / SWAT team. Upon entering his spacious accommodations beneath the railroad tracks, one is met with a welcoming hail of flash-bangs and tampons. The only way to appease his hardworking spirit is to sacrifice a virgin, but thankfully those are plentiful in Lubawka.
This six-story structure (not including the unexplored sub-levels) has a colorful history. Ask any one of the school's fifty-seven students, and prepare to be regaled with a tale involving Native Americans, Asbestos, and Cher itself. EDITOR'S NOTE: Do avoid the cafeteria and the water fountains, or as the locals (in Ecuador) call it, 'Agua por la muerte'.
Did you know?
- Lubawka is a premier importer of shark foreskins, but no one is aware of what they do with them or where they get them from.
- After seceding, Lubawka was never reconquered by Poland, and as a result is the world's second smallest independent (and third smallest nuclear) state.
- In 2127, Lubawka erected a statue to honor local descendant Jacek Baschitowiec, credited with discovering (and subsequently destroying) the cure to AIDS. On a side note, the statue is anatomically correct.
- The town's women are considered 'above average' by Newsweek. The former Soviet bloc version of Newsweek, so no surprise there.
- Being so close to the Czech border has resulted in enough fighting for the UN to declare Lubawka a "war zone" and draft a resolution (UN #19544-74966) to aid its besieged inhabitants. As before, this is absolutely meaningless.