Ski jumping

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Technically it's a jump on the skis but it can't be considered ski jumping
Fly high!

Ski jumping is a little-known sport, where athletes ski down an extremely tall ramp, called an inrun, and then attempt to fly as far as possible and land on the outrun, which is the snow-covered (or plastic-covered if there is no snow) face of an extremely tall mountain. The ski jumper who lands the furthest on the outrun without dying is pronounced the winner.

Origins[edit | edit source]

Odd Einar Hatfestadt beats new world record in 1905

Ski jumping originated in Norway, where in 1809 a Norwegian soldier first ski jumped off a cliff into the sea. Most historians think that the soldier was trying to commit suicide, and happened to be wearing skis, but in Scandinavia where suicide is always good entertainment, a sport was born.

Contemporary ski jumping[edit | edit source]

No place for Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards in contemporary ski jumping. Thank to Walter Hofer

Contemporary ski jumping has become a big commercialised circus, touring Europe and occasionally Japan. Compared with the past, ski jumpers now fly lower and slower as a result of shorter inruns. It is now considerably safer to ski jump than it was before, with new rules continually being implemented to lessen athlete death, and to make ski jumping more appropriate for globalisation. However the sport of ski jumping has always been torn over making ski jumping safer for athletes, or making the sport more exciting to watch. Ski jumping is now mainly watched by people in quaint European countries such as Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Norway and Poland. It does not exist outside the northern hemisphere, because not many people in the world care about ski jumping except those from the aforementioned countries.

Ski jumping is governed by the Fédération Internationale de Ski, or FIS. Its director is Walter Hofer, who is something like a God for ski jumpers. Walter Hofer can smite ski jumpers according to his whims, and he often makes up arbitrary rules to do just that. He is treated with the utmost respect, and like God, his every word becomes law.

Ski jumping is not just a winter sport; it can also be done in the summer. The summer form of ski jumping is becoming increasingly popular due to global warming. The ramps may be made out of porcelain or wet plastic, so that athletes can enjoy the heart warming feeling of jumping 200 metres in the air and crashing spectacularly in the summer sun.

Ski jumping techniques[edit | edit source]

I and V[edit | edit source]

During most of the 20th century, ski jumpers jumped with their skis together, similar to the classic style of cross-country skiers. This was called the “I style”. Using the “I style”, however, resulted in a high risk of severe injuries because athletes are flying, and landing at extreme speeds.

During the late 80’s, Swedish ski jumper Jan Boklov invented a new technique called the "V-style". Due to his severe case of rickets, he kept his skis in the V-position instead of traditional I one. He and his coach discovered that he was able to fly further but slower and - as a result - safer. The judges, however, did not like Jan Boklov’s new style. They tormented him in all of the competitions he participated in, and gave him very low style scores. “Real men jump with their skis closed,” a judge wrote, “I cannot give this Swedish clown a score higher than “2” for jumping in such a ridiculous way. His form is hideous, and furthermore ski jumpers should learn to take their injuries like a man.” Despite his low style scores, Jan Boklov was able to succeed because his technique allowed him to jump much further than his opponents. He would go on to win the World Cup in 1988-1989.

Later, the FIS decided to let other ski jumpers jump in the “V-style” also. This is because Jan Boklov completely dominated the ski jumping scene, and the sport became boring to watch. After the rule change, other ski jumpers began to jump further than Boklov, and Boklov became what he was destined to be – an average, anonymous, failure of a skier.

Telemark[edit | edit source]

An exemplary telemark landing by Frank Loeffler, who then crashed down the hill following the landing.

Telemark takes its name from a place in Norway, where a man first remarked that skiers are landing in a very unaesthetic form, “on both feet”. The man proposed that, after jumping off the (how many metres) tall hill, skiers should attempt to land on one foot, and then try to kneel by placing one foot in front of the other, without the knee of the back leg touching the ground, doing all this while sliding down the outrun in an extremely fast speed. Afterwards, it is agreed that ski jumpers really do look much better this way, and this became the official landing style that we know today, called telemark.

Landing telemark is considered dangerous, as it increases the risk of falling at landing. Naturally, when the ski jumpers were landing in both telemark and the I-style, severe injuries were common. However, all judges agree that ski jumpers really looked much better when they were landing in both telemark and the I-style.

Rules of ski jumping[edit | edit source]

The rules of ski jumping were written by Walter Hofer. The details change every year, but the basic principles remain the same. Extra rules are often added with the sole purpose of preventing certain athletes, especially those who angered Hofer, from competing.

Transcribed from the Professional Ski Jumper’s Charter, the rules of ski jumping are as follows:

Rule #1: The Federation Internationale du Ski, or FIS, regulates all ski jumping activity. Athletes must pledge eternal loyalty to the current Director of FIS, Walter Hofer, before they are allowed to compete in major ski jumping events. Being allowed by the Director to participate in ski jumping is a blessing and a privilege that should not be taken for granted. The Director reserves the right to change all rules. Athletes must always agree with the Director and should praise the Director at least once a day.

Rule #2: Athletes who plan to participate in major ski jumping events need to meet a certain criteria. In this day and age it may surprise some parties that groups of a certain race or gender are discouraged from participating in ski jumping. The FIS wants to reassure the concerned parties that this is in no way discriminatory. It has, however, been observed that the groups of the race and gender in question cannot ski jump in a level that is good enough to achieve commercial success and foster a competitive atmosphere. In the unlikely event that those groups manage to improve their skills in ski jumping, they are certainly very welcome to participate.

Rule #3: Athletes must be equipped with the proper equipment, such as the correct skis and the correct garments, as outlined in the official FIS Ski Jumping Handbook. Athletes are not allowed to use parachutes or overly loose garments to gain an advantage in distance. There have also been instances where particularly skinny athletes with loose garments were blown away by the wind, only to be found a several weeks later. It is for this reason that the FIS also requires its athletes to be above a certain BMI.

Rule #4: The green light signals the start of the jump. At the green light, athletes should start going down the inrun. Please note that once the athlete has the green light, he must not stop, no matter what. The official who green lights athletes has a very low chance of making mistakes, especially about wind conditions, and if you see an athlete being allowed to jump in an extremely dangerous situation, he was probably a jackass who deserved it.

Rule #5: Athletes land on the outrun. The telemark technique is the landing technique that every jumper should use. Athletes should also try to refrain from dying while landing on the outrun, as doing so could result in a disqualification.

Rule #6: We at the FIS cannot resist exclaiming, “What kind of ridiculous person ski crosses after they ski jump? It is abominable!” Sadly, this abominable sport exists, and it is known as Nordic combined. Nordic combined skiers have no sport spirit, and are known to generate a negative atmosphere, which we cannot have around athletes who are about to commit suicide-like acts. Their flashy garments are a distraction to real ski jumpers. It is because of these reasons that all athletes who are connected with Nordic combined are not allowed to take part in real ski jumping events. Ski jumpers who skied more than 10 metres after coming off the outrun will be disqualified, and a inquiry must be held afterwards to make sure they are not turning into Nordic combined skiers.

Rule #7: It has come to the attention of the FIS that a certain individual by the name of Michael Edwards, or “Eddie the Eagle”, has been achieving unprecedented commercial success despite being one of the worst professional skiers the FIS has ever laid eyes upon. This man is an embarrassment to ski jumping. The FIS hereby declare that if Eddie the Eagle takes part in a qualifier for any major ski jumping event, the distance that he jumps will be the distance to beat for all athletes wishing to qualify. If an athlete jumps at a distance equal to or lesser than the distance that Eddie the Eagle jumped in that particular qualifier, he will not be eligible. If Eddie the Eagle happens to be not participating, then everyone qualifies.

Rule #8: It has come to the attention of the FIS that a certain individual by the name of Vinko Bogataj, or “The Agony of Defeat man”, has been achieving a certain amount of popularity in the United States. This man is the pride of ski jumping. To preserve his legendary status, no ski jumper is allowed to crash more spectacularly than Vinko Bogataj, ever. However, officials should note that Vinko Bogataj is still not allowed to take part in major ski jumping events.

Rule #9: All the rules above can be changed or suspended at will by the Director. In fact, the rules are probably being changed as we speak, and you have just wasted 10 minutes reading this.

Wind factor[edit | edit source]

Wind was quite cruel for Austrian Thomas Morgenstern.

The most important thing in ski jumping is the wind, which is actually the only factor that decides who wins. Headwind increases the distance that you jump, and tailwind decreases it (the opposite is true for running). In the past the technical directors of competitions often let jumpers ski in precarious wind conditions because they claim that they were not aware of dangers caused by it. The wind caused a lot of ski jumper injuries as a result, and sometimes it is also possible for a particularly lightweight jumper to be blown away by the wind.

BMI[edit | edit source]

The BMI was introduced to ski jumping in order to prevent ski jumpers from dying due to anorexia. That was a smart move and saved lives of several German and Russian ski jumpers. However, some ski jumpers were naturally thin and BMI forced them to put on weight or shorten their skis and that of course would shorten their jumps. Sigurd Pettersen, Norwegian jumper needed to put on 15 kilos. He was not able to and from the good jumper he became loser.

The typical jump[edit | edit source]

Before[edit | edit source]

Before the typical jump, ski jumper is preparing himself mentally to it. Well, it's not weird if you realize that you will be thrown out of the inrun at the 100 km/h speed and you will be approaching the ground at only minimally lesser speed. Then ski jumper needs to sit on the log that's attached at the inrun and need to wait for the green light. Ususally, the guy who turns the light on, will turn the red ligth on forcing him to go down. This guy is called Miran Tepes and he is the right hand of Walter Hofer. His popular excuse of turning the red light on are "wind conditions" or "I don't like this guy really". Miran Tepes was heavily criticized in 2007 when he let his fellow Slovenian Rok Urbanc take the jump at extremely strong wind. That let this poor ski jumper actually win the event beating all the other competitors by big amount of points. The problem was not actually win itself but the fact that he didn't allow any other ski jumper to jump in such conditions.

Start[edit | edit source]

You are so bad and not even now that, Wolfgang

When the green light is on, the skijumper needs to close his eyes and slide off the log forcing himself to run towards the end of the inrun at dramatically increasing speed. In the past the jumpers needed to care about their feet positions as there were no slots for the skis. But still, not every ski jumper is able to ride downhill without problems even though it's considered the easiest part of the jump. This is shown in the famous case of [1] who fell off the log and slided on his back to the end of the inrun, harvesting by the way all the sticks put in the inrun for a decorational purpose.

Take-off[edit | edit source]

Bad take-off

All ski jumpers needs to fit in the 0,02 second boundary of "good take-off". If they do it too early or too late - the jump will be short and danmgerous for their life. You probably guessed that most of the ski jumpers got problem with fitting in the boundary. In some famous cases, ski jumpers actually frgot to do a take-off what resulted in faboulous crashes of South Korean jumper Choi and German Frank Loffler showed it's possible to forget it even though you are a proffesional ski jumper. However, despite the lack of take-off, Loffler was able to land telemark but fell anyway.

Flying[edit | edit source]

Remember, freestyle skiinig is not a ski jumping. Seems Daito Takahashi forgot about this but he is nordic combined skier so nobody cares

One of the most orgasmic part of the jump. Ski jumper flies in the air and feels every single touch of wind over all his parts of body. He flies for about 1-3 seconds. He needs to "lay" slightly over the skis to be more aerodynamic. However, Czech Jakub Janda lays between, or even under the skis and using this eccentric technique he actually won the World Cup. Ski jumper should focus on not moving while flying but some jumpers, like Robert Mateja, preferred constant moving and twitching while flying but it never resulted in anything positive.

Landing[edit | edit source]

The most dangerous part of the jump. Most of poor ski jumpers prefer to land safely in the Finnish way - with both feet together. But if ski jumper wants to get more points, he needs to risk his life and gesundheit by landing in telemark. However some ski jumpers prefer to land on their heads, backs or asses, especially if they forget it's not freestyle skiing.

Ski jumping hills[edit | edit source]

Nice view from a top of Letalnica mammoth hill in Planica

Ski jumping hills are... hills or mountains with inrun and outrun built on it. They look like some penis with tongue. Ski jumping hills are usually in small villages that did not deserve that and those villages live only during the ski jumping events. Of course all hills are placed on north hemisphere in countries that experience snow at least occasionally.

Some hills are smallish and in theory nobody can be hurt on them (with some Dutch exception, but later about it). Some are average and big, where World Cup competitions are held. And there are few monsters where ski jumpers fly over 200 metres and quite often hurt themselves while falling.

All hills got their K and HS points. The K point is named after G point becaus it's most important in jumping - it's the length where all distance points are based. The HS point is a Holy Shit point - the length where only certain death awaits for a jumper.

(In)famous jumping hills[edit | edit source]

Suicide Hill, Ishpeming, MI, USA
Famous American decent sized jumping hill with K-90. Name was given because American laymans had no freaking idea that ski jumping is actually a sport and thought it's a place for commmitting suicide. Some retarded cults actually committed there some mass suicides so the name suits perfectly.

Letalnica, Planica. Slovenia
The biggest mammoth jumping hill in the world. The smallish Slovenia has most jumping hills/square km. Wherever you go you can find a jumping hill. However Slovenians are tired of them and no longer look after them. But at the times they gave any shit about ski jumping, they decided to build "da biggest hill ever". And they built Velikanka, later renamed Letalnica due to a copyright infrigment. The Letalnica's record is 239 metres by Bjoern Einar Romoeren.

Olympic Ski Jumping Hill in Hakuba, Japan
Wholly made of metal ski jumping hill is quite interesting in its design. The jumping hill includes river that crosses the outrun in half and the bridge that is hung over the outrun. If a ski jumper jumps too heigh, he may cut his head off the metal parts. The hill in Hakuba was built for a tremendous cost of 50 million $ and investors will start to earn circa 2095 but only if Japanese government will still donate to them. Another interesting thing about the Hakuba hill is that the wind conditions always disturb the event. Yet there was no normal event in Hakuba.

The Big Krokiew, Zakopane, Poland
One of the things that the Poles most certainly care about. When World Cup arrives to Poland, everybody goes to Zakopane in a way similar to Muslims pilgriming to Mekkah. However, the hill is nearly ruined and FIS indicated several times to rebuild it but Poles do not care about it and they think that The Big Krokiew is the most awesome hill in the world.

Mühlenkopfschanze, Willingen, Germany
The biggest of the big jumping hills (not to be confused with mammoth hills) is known for its wrongly measured K-point. For many years it was K-120. But one day an anynymous engineer spotted that it's actually wrong and it should be K-130. K-point was moved without rebuilding. So nowadays the record of 151,5 metres of Adam Małysz is not that faboulous as it's just 21,5 meters over K. In past, people thought it was 31,5 meters over K and that was looking definetely better.

Rukatunturi, Kuusamo, Finland
Not much is known about that hill but it has a funny name.

Ski jumping teams and ski jumpers[edit | edit source]

Germany[edit | edit source]

In the past, that was one of the best teams. Such jumpers like Sven Hannawald or Martin Schmitt were well-known in Germany and were winning many competitions but they were more often losing to the Pole - Adam Małysz. Due to this fact Sven Hannawald got anorexia and severe depression and gradually retired from proffesional sport. Martin Schmitt also got depression and recently in 2010, anorexia. From now on suffering from anorexia is considered a natural event in the life of every German ski jumper.

Poland[edit | edit source]

The best of the best of the best of the best of ski jumpers ever ever ever ever ever and so on: Adam Małysz.

Adam Małysz, Adam Małysz, Adam Małysz, Adam Małysz and once again Adam Małysz - that's what the Poles only care about. Actually Adam Małysz is the only ski jumper in Poland you can describe in positive way. He won four World Cups and four World Championships. Well... about the rest of the team... Tomisław Tajner the son of coach embarrassed himself in an every jump he did. Robert Mateja became a synonymous of a short jump with a high risk of a severe injury. Marcin Bachleda and Tomasz Pochwała showed that you neither have to be talented nor skilled to be a proffesional ski jumper.

Austria[edit | edit source]

Austria has so many ass-kicking ski jumpers that most of the world already lost their count. At the same time they are able to have 6 jumpers in the first 10 of any competition. One retires, they find another and so on. They had so many jumpers that even Arnold Schwarzeneger was competing for Austria and even placed 3rd in Nagano.

Switzerland[edit | edit source]

Switzerland is a team made of two proffesional jumpers - Simon Ammann and Andreas Kuettel. They don't need any more. First one is Olympic and World Champion and the second one is World Champion. The case of other ski jumpers is similar to Poland.

Norway[edit | edit source]

Alcohol is your best friend at training! With that motto Lars Bystoel won his three medals (one gold; two bronze) in Torino. However, he also started to take drugs and it was not a good decision as he quickly became a loser. Another famous Norwegian ski jumper is Sigurd Pettersen who is the best example of a ski jumper who falls from a peak of his career to its bottom. He was good, he was winning and then, apparently due to a Walter Hofer's irritation, some rules changed and he had to use shorter skis from 2004 what totally ruined his career.

Finland[edit | edit source]

After a marvellous ski jumper's career, Matti "Mäsä" Nykänen achieved such a fine second stage start as a pop singer. His third stage launched to an entry of ESC final.

There are several good Finnish ski jumpers but what's characteristic - all of them are either black metal singers like Matti Nykänen or apathetic guys unable to show any emotions like Janne Ahonen. For example Ville Kantee retired early in order to become an unknown singer and Janne "The Mask" Ahonen did not smile during whole his career even when he won World Cup.

Japan[edit | edit source]

They say Japanese got best ideas. But some of them are definetely a complete failure.

Apparently, there are no real people in Japanese team. They're rather robots because nearly all the Japanese ski jumpers are older than 35 (some have 40), while the age of 33, 34 or 35 is the best age for retirement for any particular ski jumper. Japanese do not care about that.

Recently Japanese ski jumpers introduced some sumo wrestlers to the sport as they claim fastest speed at the end of the inrun is the key to victory. As we know, fatter you are, faster you are. At least in ski jumping and luge.

Japanese ski jumpers also got the best financial condidtions. They are donated by government as long as they want to train regardless of the age.

United States[edit | edit source]

Actually, US sucks at ski jumping. They had one good jumper circa 2002 but he decided to give up ski jumping in order to become a pilot. He wanted to fly higher and longer.

Slovenia[edit | edit source]

Funnily, this 2 million nation got many ski jumpers and the most jumping hills per km sq. from any known country. They also got the biggest jumping hill (Letalnica). They got a good team but we can point out that they change ski jumpers more often than average guy changes slips. Howewer, they have a statue erected for the Big Holy Prevc Brothers [1] in each village.

China[edit | edit source]

In order to not abuse and blame young Chinese ski jumpers, ski jumping has no future in China. At least, this is a sport in which China will never win a gold medal.

Trivia: In an individual competition during 2009 Universiade in Chinese Harbin, Peilin Gong, one of their ski jumpers, achieved a rare feat as he got total score lower than 0...

Hungary[edit | edit source]

Compared to Hungarian ski jumpers, China is even quite good. It's unbelievable how bad can be a certain nation in a sport. Hungarian ski jumpers occasionally compete in less important competitions regularly occuping the last positions. And to make the matters worse, lengths of their jumps are so short that it's actually hard to imagine that somebody can safely land there.

In order to visualise, in one competition Armin Csukovics from Hungary had 44 meters long jump (on K90 what is really short), in theory it was correct ski jump consisting of take-off, short jump and landing. Later in that competition, Austrian ski jumper Thomas Turnbichler made a mistake at a take-off and nearly fell on the head. Thank to his abilities, he landed safely but still jumped longer distance than Armin Csukovics'.

Great Britain[edit | edit source]

Main article: British ski jumpers

We claim Hungary the worst nation in the ski jumping world because they have many ski jumpers and all of them are the worst. But Great Britian achieved something extraordinary. They had a ski jumper who was a complete failure, who reached such an incompetence in this sport that he was seriously banned from competing after Olympic Games in Calgary. His name was Eddie Edwards, better known as Eddie the Eagle. He placed last in all competitions he took part in, he broke bones 17 times but always returned. Finally, after Olympic Games, Walter Hofer invented Eddie the Eagle rule which banned him from competing. The rule stated than nobody can start in Olympic Games if he didn't get into best 30 ski jumpers in competitions and didn't do it 30% of times he started. Additionally, every competition will have prequalification in which the worst ski jumpers will be eliminated.

Sounds complicated but that simply meant: No more Eddie Eagles.

Eddie was commercially the most successful ski jumper. He was a guest in all American talk shows (like Late Night with Somebody) and he earned over one million dollars due to his inepitude with ski jumping.

Ski jumping culture[edit | edit source]

A fine example of Polish ski jumping culture. Józef Chełmoński praised Adam Małysz for his successes and painted this famous picture for his glory.

This kind of thing actually exists only in two countries: Austria and Poland.

In Austria, supporters of ski jumping support their ski jumpers, love the sport, follow the ski jumpers in different parts of the world during World Cup and generally have very good attitude to Walter Hofer (as he is Austrian.

In Poland ski jumping cultures means praising or blaming Adam Małysz (praising when he wins, blaming when he is lower than 3rd), playing De Luxe Ski Jump PC games and openly hating Walter Hofer.

Other countries do not care much enough to have any ski jumping culture. Norwegians care more about biathlon, Japanese about baseball and Germans about soccer.

In USA ski jumping is usually erroneously taken for freestyle skiing.

Financial situation of ski jumpers[edit | edit source]

It's bad. They're poor. If you are ski jumper, you can't do it for money. Most of ski jumpers are not able to live without government's support. Only the best are able to earn enough money to feed their children.

However Walter Hofer seems to be rich. We do not suggest anything.

Gallery[edit | edit source]

To show you how awesome ski jumping is, we put here some YouTube videos including best jumps and the most remembered actions from Word Cup, World Championship and Olympic Games.

The first film shows fantastic jump of Polish Łukasz Kruczek who jumped 94 meters on K185 in Planica.

And this film shows the beauty of this dangerous sport (how haven't I used this word earlier?). The ultimate collection of the worst ski jumping crashes. Note that Frederic Berger got hit in head by ski shot in the air with great timing and accuracy and that Bjoern Einar Romoeren lost his ski before take-off. EDIT: Oh... Damn... Fucking YouTube deleted video due to some "copyright issues". But don't worry, we've found another videos. They are and they're not exactly the same as the previous one but they're all similar.

As we all know, Americans can accept everything if it includes anything connected to American Football. In the film below we can see the American Skifootball Jumping in action where two jumpers practice playing American Football while jumping on the skis. The sport has been invented by Japanese who try to put this in the Olympic Program and gain a huge audience across the USA.

And here you have a sample of summer ski jumping. Instead of snow a wet plastic is used. Starring American ski jumpers Tim Nelson and Blake Hughes. Note they jumped during hurricane.

  1. They're two: Peter and Domen