“TurboDymoMan has gone out!”
TurboDymoMan (the English translation is TurboBangMan) is a superhero of the 21st century, who worked in forgotten Poland from August 2009. He was actually the only Polish superhero at the time, but due to Poland's low crime rate—as most of its criminals had emigrated to the United Kingdom—he got bored and became a star of TV commercials for the 36and6 cellular network. Those commercials became a hit, but started a public debate over the embarrassing level of commercialization in Poland. The controversy was short-lived because teenagers were enthused that there was a superhero in a fantastic costume who possessed unbelievable ability.
TurboDymoMan had only one super power: He could do everything 50% better (or do 50% more of it). He could swim 50% faster than a dolphin, fly 50% faster than Superman, kick 50% harder than Cristiano Ronaldo, and so on. This super power was the basis of the above-mentioned commercials. However, some of these feats resulted in things of which no one wants to have half again as much.
On the commercials shown below, TurboDymoMan shames: hen, Betty, brush, and beaver, in that order. Unfortunately there are no English subtitles, but the message transcends language. In fact, you may wish to dial down the sound, as hearing the Polish language is sometimes fatal.
The following achievements are documented in TurboDymoMan's commercials:
- Betty looked at the 10th floor. TurboDymoMan shamed Betty, looked at the 15th.
- A hen pecked up 100 seeds. TurboDymoMan shamed the hen, pecked up 150 seeds.
- A brush was put in water for an hour. TurboDymoMan shamed the brush, was put in water for 90 minutes.
- A beaver knew 1000 beats. TurboDymoMan shamed the beaver, knew 1500.
The following achievements are not documented at all:
- A goal was scored in the 10th minute. TurboDymoMan shamed the goal, scored in the 15th minute.
- Hardcore Guy got 4 certificates in his home. TurboDymoMan shamed Hardcore Guy, got 6 certificates.
- TurboDymoMan gives 50% minutes more for 36and6 cellular network users. TurboDymoMan even shamed himself, gives 75%.
- Usain Bolt ran 100 meters in 9,58 sec. TurboDymoMan shamed Usain, ran that distance in 14,37 sec.
- LeBron James routinely scores three-point goals. TurboDymoMan shamed LeBron, often scores for 4½ points.
- A cricket player scored a six. TurboDymoMan shamed the cricket player, scored a nine.
- Ron Moss played in the 5000th episode of Bold and Beautiful. TurboDymoMan shamed Ron Moss, played in the 7500th episode.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity 2 times. TurboDymoMan shamed Chuck Norris, did it 3 times.
- Robert Mugabe won 98% of the vote in the most recent election in Zimbabwe. TurboDymoMan shamed Mugabe, and won 147% of the vote. Equally probable.
- Simon Mol infected 16 Polish women with HIV. TurboDymoMan shamed Simon, infected 24.
- Have you got 3 sons? TurboDymoMan shames you, has 4½ sons.
- Most men have a penis. TurboDymoMan has 1½.
- Are you $100,000 in debt? TurboDymoMan shames you; he is $150,000 in debt.
- SuperEs said that SMS in 36and6 never end. TurboDymoMan shamed SuperEs, he said it about SMS in 54and9.
- You have a brain. TurboDymoMan shames you, he has 1½ brains. Just to make it fair.
- Irina from Bulgaria serviced 120 men per hour. TubroDymoMan shamed Irina, serviced 180 per hour.
- Blonde girl got an IQ score of 0. TurboDymoMan gave up.
- Adolf Hitler killed six million jws. For the love of god, never, ever tell that to TurboDymoMan.
TurboDymoMan devises a new ability
“TurboDymoMan...breaks the barriers...breaks the rules...”
One day, TurboDymoMan got tired of using the same ability over and over, and invented a new ability: the ability not to care. This new ability avoided fatigue and still let him achieve new feats. He often expressed his lack of concern with the typical middle-finger gesture. However, since TurboDymoMan didn't care, he merely gestured with his pinkie.
The following commercials show TurboDymoMan displaying his insouciance using his pinkie. (Rather than "flipping the bird," this is essentially "flipping the chick.")
TurboDymoMan's achievements using the power of insouciance
- A policeman needs to stay on guard. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to.
- A British guardsman needs to stay without moving. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to.
- Stańczyk needs to wear weird clothes. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to.
- A dragon needs to eat virgins. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to eat them.
- A sandwich needs to fall upside down. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to.
- You need to breathe. TurboDymoMan doesn't need to.
- A corpse doesn't need to do anything. TurboDymoMan gives up.
TurboDymoMan eventually got so popular that commercial interests decided he had to be killed off. They recruited SuperEs--a super-adversary also working for the 36and6 cellular network. After slamming a door in TurboDymoMan's face and claiming victory over him, SuperEs became the only active Polish superhero. TurboDymoMan retired and disappeared.
The following commercial illustrates the "death" of TurboDymoMan. But we all know that he survived, just like Elvis: