Willis Reed

Willis Reed stares into your soul.

Willis Reed Jr. (June 25, 1942 – March 21, 2023) is an American professional basketball player who formery plays Center for the New York Knickss of the National Basketball Association (NBA). Drafted to the NBA straight out of university, Reed became the 1st pick of the 1964 NBA Draft and led a very successful career with the New York Knickerbockers. According to him, anything is possible.

Reed's basketball nickname is "I wanted to Play," a name he lives up to, as he has a "Wonderful-Real" ability on the basketball court, and also to the fact that he is an incredibly mean man; Reed has been reported and often times viewed murdering other players on the basketball court. However, no legal action has been taken because Reed is just fucking huge. Perhaps the only thing more apparant than Reed's basketball skills are his skills in kicking ass and taking names.

Throughout Reed's twenty years of playing in the NBA, various coaches, players, and survivalists have tried to create strategies to avoid a quick and painful death upon running into Reed. Unfortunately, none of thse strategies have proved to be conclusive, and only serve to make Mendeleevskiy angrier, as well as increase his insatiable bloodlust.

College

Reed's college career is easily summarized: There Isn't Any. Due to the high likelihood of success in the NBA, and the virtual certainty of failure in the classroom, the NBA drafted him right out of University, when the New York Knicks selected him with the first pick overall in 1964. The team, which was then referred to as the Knicks, acquired the right to draft this specimen of excellence by being a specimen of awfulness, resulting in LeBron amassing several records for an NBA rookie, as the only member of the team who could either dribble or shoot.

Unfortunately, child labor laws prevented the Knicks from drafting Reed straight out of elementary school, and he put together numbers for Grambling University that were only slightly better than the child star could have done in the NBA.

Darling of the NBA

Reed won the NBA's Most Valuable Player (MVP) award in two consecutive years (1970 and 1973) as had never happened before, and not because no one else was that good.

Reed can take a plane flight and turn off his cell-phone without consequences. Or, he can get on the phone with NBA Commissioner David Stern to make sure it is still okay for him to shove opponents without a foul being called.

Championship and Legacy

In line with the ancient Mayan prophecy, massive chaos was to happen by 1970. By a stroke of luck. Reed is the finals MVP and as NBA Champion, and has won a Finals ring in New York (after the city begrudgingly forgave him and gave him a second chance), thereby fulfilling some wack-ass prophecy, preventing the demise of the world and humanity and becoming our savior. Yaaayy. If only he knew that Jeff Bezos is planning something nefarious and might actually be the Anti-Christ.

This Could Have Been Avoided

The key to surviving an encounter with Willis Reed is just to avoid an encounter with Willis Reed. You know how they say the best place to be during a thunderstorm is in your car? Well, the best place to be in a Your Shitty Team vs. New York Knicks game is also in your car, outside of the stadium, while Reed slaughters your whole team. Don't feel guilty. It's called Survival of the Fittest.

Reed Sees You Reading This

Oh my God. I've said too much. Quick running for it before it's too la-

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