Caitlin Clark

“Okay, Stephen A., now we gotta do our obligatory, woke coverage of the WNBA. STAY ON SCRIPT!”

~ ESPN execs

“DAAAMN girl! Caitlin Clark is a MIGHTY fine specimen. She look fine, she PLAY fine! Take that, you black lesbos!”

~ Stephen A. Smith on Caitlin Clark

“That's it, back to the Disney brainwashing and emasculating chamber you go!”

~ ESPN execs on Stephen A.'s "cold take"

“I don't get it, what's all the fuss about a so-called "hot chick" playing basketball? Bring me some more Shaq highlights!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Caitlin Clark

Caitlin Clark
Watch out, the gal might even break your ankles if you challenge her to 1-on-1.
Born	Caitlin Clark January 22, 2002 The Corn Capital of the World
Other names	"The real Defender of Des Moines" "Starbucks Steph Curry"
Occupation	Basketball player, female icon
Years active	2024–present

Caitlin Clark (born January 22, 2002) is pretty darn good at basketball. She is also a girl. Not just any girl, but a cisgender, 100% heterosexual and attractive white woman who plays basketball with some sweet moves and a killer 3-point shot, instead of merely focusing on fundamentals and being lesbian or identifying as "they/them" like many of her counterparts. And while this may be paradoxical to WNBA haters, what you are reading is not just the figment of some Uncyclopedia writer's wild imagination, but is real.

As such, Caitlin "Starbucks Steph Curry" Clark has piqued the interest of Neanderthals who only watch the NBA, men's sports, or women's sports in which they are clad in bikinis or miniskirts and even straight, non-SJW women into watching the WNBA, single-handedly boosting the league's cashflow tenfold when it had previously consisted only of liberal government subsidies and handouts from Disney. However, despite Clark's pull making the league more profitable than ever, traditional WNBA fans and even some WNBA players are triggered simply by Clark existing and playing in the league.

Early life

Caitlin grew up in a loving, traditional Catholic family out in Iowa, and her dad was a basketball and football coach who supported her athletic ambitions. She didn't grow up angsty or in a broken home. And she turned out alright, despite having to play ball against boys because all the other girls were more interested in becoming Instagram or YouTube stars.

Because Clark grew up in a normal home, her parents, being anti-vaxxers, politely declined an offer by a company purporting to be a superhero manufacturer, with those creepy men in suits instead going to another Iowa girl named Annie January who only had a single mom raising her. While January eventually became a corporate superhero due to that, she also got super fucked over by her coworker Homelander. Thank God for conservative, traditional parents, as they allowed Caitlin Clark to instead take whatever superpowers she had to became a darn good basketball player who also happened to be an otherwise normal young lady, living a relatively normal life until her traditional profile sparked waves in a non-traditional environment in the WNBA.

Player profile

Despite now being hyped up as the face of women's sports and feminism, Clark is.. actually not the type that represents those annoying activists. She is actually relatively quiet, is dating a nice boy on the side, and enjoys the occasional pumpkin spice latte when not on the court. And she actually has decent ball-handling skills, breaks other players' ankles (even some mens' ankles!), and actually makes her shots, all while looking pretty and badass while doing it. This blows the mind of the American audience and piques their interest.

Some of her rivals, such as Angel Reese and Chennedy Carter, just cannot stand this. As a result, players like Carter have started catfights in the middle of the game with Clark, turning a once tame sport into the WWE, complete with random bitch slaps, hair tugging, nail clawing, and name calling, typical "Mean Girls" bullshit. All this was because the other players, some who were men who transitioned into women after being too sucky for the NBA, were jealous of Clark's actual basketball skills, claiming she only got the attention due to "being pretty". As a result, after all the big, aggressive "women" get fouled out for catfighting with Clark too much, she has open reign to pump up the score on opposing teams' benches. Despite the Indiana Fever still playing like relative crap, Clark's presence alone has turned the team into must-watch television simply due to all the drama that ensues.

Later in her rookie year, after Clark and the Fever got knocked out of the first round, the WNBA's viewership predictably tanked.

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Basketball