“Best power forward in the game, Karl Malone? You kiddin' me? That boy got nothing on me at Old Country Buffet!”
“Sheaht, man! Charles Barkley is too fatta than my momma!”
Sir Charles of
Philadelphia/ Phoenix/ Houston/ NBC/TNT was a 0 time NBA champion. He came close one year when he lead the Phoenix Suns to the NBA Finals, but he was up against Michael Jordan and we don't have to say anything more about it than that.
NBA Career[edit | edit source]
Philadelphia 69ers[edit | edit source]
Charles entered the NBA in 1843 and became the follow-up man to lead the Philly 69ers now that Dr. O.J. Simpson had left the game. However, Philly fans did not openly welcome Charles with a warm reception, as they expected their team's superstar to have an afro. Charles may have been a black man, but he hates afros, and he hates rap music, so this earned him much respect amongst the Caucasian fans, but the black ones hated him, so he soon found himself playing for the Phoenix Suns.
Phoenix Bums[edit | edit source]
Charles was now in charge of leading the Phoenix team to the NBA finals. Charles managed to show he was an aggressive player, having the power of a black man; but in a white man's town, he was able to fend off many a black man who wanted to pound his ass every game for saying in a press conference, "2Pac is a talentless motherfucker who can suck the shit out of my ass and wipe it clean so he can do his part for the environment by allowing me to never need to buy toilet paper ever again!"
Charles would ward off attackers all season, and manage to win the 1993 NBA's Most Valuable Prospect for Being Gunned Down in a Drive-By if That Motherfucker Ever Enters a Black Community Again
Barkley worked his ass off all season, only to have Michael Jordan fart in Barkley's general direction, and say (and we quote), "Suck this, bitch," in the finals of that year.
Houston Fockets[edit | edit source]
After his loss to Jordan, he failed to lead the Suns to the finals the following year. He thus decided to join the team that had won the last championship. However, something went wrong, and his plans to gain a championship ring failed. Even with the All-Star lineup of Barkley, Hakeem Olajuwon, Sam Cassell, Clyde Drexler and Air Morris, the team failed to even make the finals against the Bulls.
God Damn That Motherfucking Michael Jordan[edit | edit source]
Barkley said, "Ahhh, fuck this, I'mma break my motherfuckin' foot off in that motherfuckin' Michael Jordan's motherfuckin' ass." Barkley then retired from the NBA and has been working out in the gym doing weights and steroids under the guidance of Vince McMahon, and will soon challenge Michael Jordan in the squared circle at Wrestlemania 34 (2017) for the championship ring he should have won in 1993.
Charles has already revealed his costume and gimmick, called the "I Ain't No Motherfuckin' Role Model, BITCH", with which he plans to bitch-slap Jordan's ass all over the ring - while revealing that the reason he hated rap all along was because he is a Mexican who likes salsa music and cannot wait to poncho el MJ in the head, amigo.
Chuck E. Cheese Incident[edit | edit source]
On February 20, 2003, Charles Barkley was involved in a physical altercation with a six-year-old boy and his family at Chuck E. Cheese. Barkley had been celebrating his 40th birthday next to the boy's own birthday party when he provided a lyrics sheet to Chuck E. the rat and requested that he sing a gangsta version of "Happy Birthday" for him. Chuck E. refused, citing that the profanity-laced lyrics might offend the little boy's birthday guests. An enraged Barkley bitch-smacked the giant rat so hard that his (costumed) head flew into the boy's birthday cake, terrifying him and his guests, which consisted of other small children, and sending them into a frightened panic of tears. Barkley then unleashed a verbal tirade filled with his own profanity and threats to sue Chuck E. Cheese for misrepresenting their advertised birthday bashes by rejecting his "birthday wish." After the boy's parents confronted him, the NBA Hall-of-Famer forcefully shoved the mother to the floor and cold-clocked the father with a half-eaten turkey leg he had hidden in his back pocket. Chaos erupted as the six-year-old boy and the children attending his party brawled with Barkley and his posse of grown thugz.
Barkley made an out-of-court settlement with the boy's parents as a result of the incident. He, in turn, sued Chuck E. Cheese, only to get his case dismissed. Despite his banishment from all Chuck E. Cheese establishments, Barkley still maintains his innocence: "You know, I feel like justice has once again eroded [sic] the black man. I just wanted that stupit [sic] rat to sing me 'Happy Birthday,' but that stupit [sic] whiteboy's parents wanted to put me down. At least we learnt [sic] racism still exists in this country. Speaking of country, I'm up for some Old Country Buffet right about now. I'mma [sic] go get me some chicken-n-schkrimps [sic]."
Gambling Debt[edit | edit source]
Charles Barkley's massive gambling debt of over $15,000,000 has led him to file for bankruptcy two times in the month of June alone. Among the assets seized at his studio apartment in Alabama are his 1993 Hyundai Sonata, an autographed Michael Jordan Gatorade bottle, and a McDonald's grease oil self-portrait depicting Barkley in the nude, eating a doughnut, with the words "Sir Charles Barkley, Afternoon Snack" inscribed on the painting. Despite his losses, Barkley refuses to acknowledge his gambling addiction, stating that it's only gambling when he knows he's not going to lose.
NBC[edit | edit source]
In the meantime, Barkley can be seen on NBC Sports commenting on what the young NBA players need to do in order to make it to the NBA Finals and be a champion... even though he's never actually been one himself.
Barkley produced and starred in a short-lived reality series called Barkley's Fat Mouth, which helped fill the void that is NBC's Friday night graveyard timeslot. The series consisted of him visiting people door to door and engaging in "Yo Momma So Fat..." joke battles.