Lost
- If you're looking for the TV show, you are – ironically – lost.
“There are some things that are pretty tough to find once they are lost. My virginity for example.”
“You too?”
Being lost is the state of having misplaced oneself, as is done often by the careless and consistently by fools.
Lost can also apply to a possession that has been misplaced. Some[Which?] scientists believe there is actually no such thing as a "loss" – but that it is a cultural/mental construct whereby people are unable remember where they put their god damn keys I swear to f*ck I left them on the god damn coffee table. However, in this article we will assume that something can be in a real and meaningful state of being lost.
How to tell whether you're lost
Many people wonder how they can tell if they are indeed lost or not. In 1958 Japanese Buddhist priest and quantum physicist Hideki Tojo discovered a simple process that would allow most people to determine whether they are lost:
- Look around. Do you recognize any of your surroundings?
- Listen to what the people around you are saying. Do you understand it?
- Open up google maps and hit the GPS button. Does it rapidly scroll and zoom to your current location?
- Look around. Are you in gay bar full of aggressive leather-bears?
- Are you having tea with the Duchess of Cambridge in Kensington Palace?
- Are you in Space with a full view of the Earth slowly getting larger and larger while your body starts to get really really hot?
- What is the airspeed of an unladen African swallow?
If your answer to any of the above questions is negative you are most likely lost. If you are having tea with the Duchess, please ask her which fabulous aggressive gay leather-bear does her hair.
What to do if you're lost
The first and most important thing to do if you're lost is to panic and scurry about in circles. This will get you familiar with your new surroundings. Once you are familiar with the area, you are no longer lost and the problem is solved.
- Look to see if you are there or here. If you are in either place, you are probably not lost.
- If all else fails, masturbate unashamedly and openly. Stare deeply into the eyes of strangers passing by. Inevitably someone will offer to help you.
- Go to Las Vegas and ask a pirate if you can take a picture with them.
- Dress up as a pirate in Las Vegas and say yes when people want to take a picture with you.
- Hide inside an empty coffin in a funeral parlour and jump out when a bereaved family is trying to find a good value casket.
What to do when you've lost something
In addition to themselves people often lose possessions; examples of items that can be lost are: your car keys,[2] your children,[3] your court case(s) and your sanity.
Chances are that if you lost something you probably didn't need it that much anyway. But if you decide you do want it you may want to consider these pointers to help you in your search.
- Is it in the last place you left it?
- If not, you may have offended it. Give it some time and when it turns up again, apologise.
- If it doesn't show up again after 48 hours, it may have run away. You'll have to wait 24 more hours before filing missing persons/object report.
- Was it suffering mental-health issues recently?
- Look out for self-pitying notes and wills that may have been left by the item.
- You may also find that searching in the water under bridges – or in that secluded cabin in the forest out back where you keep all the guns – more successful.
- Did it have any enemies?
- If yes, enlist the help of your favourite detective or vigilante ex-cop and set him on the trail.
- Make sure to record the events as they happen, so you can sell the movie rights later on.
- In the special case of having lost your sanity the thing you think you're looking for probably doesn't even exist, and it's probably safe to stop looking for anything else you think you might have lost.
Statistical research indicates that when a possession that had been lost is found somewhere that place is definitively where the thing had been looked for last, typically because of the fact that only the excessively stupid then kept looking. Obviously.
Getting lost
If you engage in conversation with another person you may disagree with some of their comments. Variations of this situation can occur, such as calling the other person a "wanker" which can cause offense. The request to "get lost" often follows these comments. Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean you should buy Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and in some of the most serious cases 6, on DVD. Many people find this hard to do if they know their surroundings.
To get themselves lost people like to blindfold themselves, ask another person to spin them round, and walk in a random direction. This however caused many accidents as people attempting to "get lost" often stepped onto a busy Dual Carriageway. In an attempt to reduce the number of blindfolded people being knocked over, the Government requested that these people drive in random directions instead of walking. This however increased the number of accidents on the road by six.
Safer alternative ways to get lost include riding the London Underground on any random train without a map. Choosing to get off and on randomly helps to make you more lost. Caution must be used when wearing a blindfold, as people have been known to walk onto a track.
Lost, the direction
Lost was first perceived as a direction in 1968 in the small town of San Diego. They found it in their own way, which might have included either drugs, sex, a spaceship, or aliens. It used only one of the previous four ways of being found, though, and they don't really remember which they used, so it is theorized to have been a spaceship.
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