Tom Morello

Thomas Methodist "Tom" Morello (May 30, 1964 – May 2, 2008) was an un-American guitarist. When he was killed, he was the lead guitarist of Soundgarden, former guitarist of Audioslave, and former guitarist of Rage Against the Machine. He is the founder of the Chinese Communist Party, and former dictator of North Korea. He is still the leading candidate for Prime Minister of Canada, even though he is dead.

Early years

Tom was born in Kenya, where he served as king for three years (from the age of 4 to the age of 12) before being overthrown. His time as the ruler of Kenya facilitated his vast knowledge of warfare and his militant communist ideals. One year into his reign, he decided to invade Uganda. His onslaught was a failure, and soon after he decided to invade Korea. With the help of United States nuclear missiles, South Korea was able to fend off the hordes of Africans, but North Korea had no such luck. With Morello's decision to fight on the front lines, no one was assigned to take care of his affairs in his absence. Fueled by Absynthe and scotch, the peasants of Kenya revolted. Tom's own uncle, Jomo Kenyatta, took the throne, and formed the military state of Kenya of Red Blood. No one understands the name.

Morello decided not to take back Kenya, as he was happy with the slave labor available in North Korea. At this time, Morello decided to start listening to music. The call of American Rock and Roll captivated him, and made him a slave to it's ways. At this time he started trying to play guitar. Because he is such a slow study, he became frustrated with guitars, and ordered all guitars in his country destroyed. With these orders, his army invaded Kenya to destroy all of the guitars there. They shortly dispatched all the stringed instruments and returned to Korea, where Morello was still fiddling with one.

At this point, TMM became bored with music, and decided to take over China. Since his armies couldn't match the sheer numbers of China's, Morello used his superior intelligence to use politics to find an efficient way to do it. Tom studied the teachings of Groucho Marx, and used his philosophies to brainwash a number of Chinese into following him (he also accidentally brainwashed himself in the process). When the time for him to take power came, one of his followers, Mao Zedong, stabbed him in the kidney. Morello was rushed back to Korea to be treated for his injuries. In TMM's absence, Mao took control of the Chinese Communist Party and, subsequently, China.

Tom was so angered by this betrayal that he ordered the invasion of China. Rather than face certain destruction by China, the Koreans decided to deport Morello to the United States. Because of his reputation as a despot and a raving communist, Morello was unable to find any friends in the US. At was at this time, at the age of 23, that he sank into the deep depression that led to him becoming a guitar virtuoso. For a year and a half, all he did was sit in a room and play guitar.

Musical career

When TMM was 25, his appearance had changed enough that people no longer recognized him, so he was free to leave his shack. At this time, he met and befriended a young neo-nazi and anti-intelligenceist named Zach de la Rocha. Z-to-tha-D was a gifted vocalist and composer, and TMM envied him. For a few years, they wrote and played music together, but soon Morello's envy turned to anger, and he brutally murdered Zack de la Rocha with a spork and a blunt rusty stick.

Rage Against the Machine

With all the music TMM and Z-to-tha-D had written, Morello started a band call Rage Against the Machine. Morello sang and played rhythm guitar, Tim Commerford played bass, Brad Wilk played drums, and C.C. Deville played lead guitar. The band recorded 45 of the songs Morello and de la Rocha had written, and put them onto three albums. The albums were all released, but not before the band broke up. In fact, the band broke up two weeks before the first album was released. In spite of there being no chance of support tours, all of the albums went at least double platinum.

RATM's songs were known for their strong anti-American lyrics. Nothing about the country pleased them, yet they refused to go anywhere else, and they refused to give any suggestions as to how to improve anything. It was like they were ignorant or retarded or something...

Audioslave

In 1993, Morello decided to restart RATM. However, C.C. Deville, citing musical differences, refused to reunite with the rest of the band. This was quite odd, considering he never attempted to write music himself, and he was barely more than a zombie fueled by booze and narcotics. With Deville out of the picture, the rest of the band decided that their hearts were no longer in it. With no band behind him, Morello knew something must be done. He travelled to Seattle to recruit new musicians. The first to join was a drummer named Chris Cornell. Double C said he refused to have anyone but himself sing in a band. With this new revelation, Morello decided to go back to his roots and play guitar. Before more musicians could join, Brad Wilk and TIM.COM decided to re-join. However, TMM Could not bring himself to call the band Rage Against the Machine if C.C. Deville was not in it, so the band decided to use the name Audioslave.

Audioslave released a few albums, but then Chris Cornell wanted to go solo, so quit. Thus was the beginning of Soundgarden.

Guitars

Tom Morello was famed for his unique guitar style and many customized guitars. His guitars are so important that they warrant being explained here.

• The Arm of a Hobo is just what it sounds like, a guitar made of the bones of the severed arms of a homeless man. It's got some fancy parts, but none of them are really all that important. It's covered in stickers and painted blue. It also has commie symbols on it because Tom Morello was a commie.
• Soul Power Generator is a Fender Stratocaster that is powered by human souls. It is called generator because the energy it takes from souls is so much that it can also power all the amps and PAs and all that other junk needed for a good concert.
• Sendero Luminoso (Sharting Patch) is a black Fender Telecaster stolen from a Mexican.
• Pabst Blue Ribbon Les Paul is a guitar set on fire and then thrown into the fires of Mordor. Sounds like crap.

There are some others, but none of them are important.

Musical style and influences

In an interrogation interview with Total Retard magazine, Morello was asked about his musical style and what influenced him.

He claimed that he “loved guys like Al Di Meola (brother of Al Queda), Joe Satriani and Randy Rhoades”. He in fact loved Rhoades so much that he organised the plane crash that killed the man, as it gave him an opportunity to have sex with his corpse.

He made mention to the fact that the rapist teacher in his local sex shop guitar store was Michael Angelo Batio, but this is irrelevant because nobody knows who he is, and he had no influence on Morello whatsoever, apart from the 5 months of therapy.

In fact, Tom developed his own style using the pickup selector switch and both volume knobs which magically appeared on his guitar as a gift from God. The meat and potatoes of his guitar solos involved flicking these back and forth very, very fast and scratching the strings randomly with his other hand. It is debated how he perfected this technique, but even a halfwit could understand it involved a tight daily schedule that entailed 22 hours of masturbation practice.

While perfecting his technique, he went head-to-head with Buckethead. Buckethead played insanely fast with a rendition of Jordan, but broke all his strings during the solo, instantly losing to Tom. As a reward, Morello was given a big bucket of KFC chicken.

His style also depends heavily on the use of effects pedals. Using them near-constantly has had a long-term irreversible effect on his posture while walking.

After drinking a lot of Jack Daniels during another interview, he let slip on his actual influences. As a child, he was abducted by aliens. The weird and wonderful sounds are what inspired him to make such odd sounds with his guitar. His favourite of the sounds was the anal probe, which can be heard on the famous Rage Against The Machine track, Blowjobs On Parade, during the bit best described by fans as ‘wah-wah-chika-wah-wah-chika-chika-chika-chika-wah-wah’, and it is interesting to note that that deodorant was inspired by this riff.

However, after becoming The Nightwatchman, Tom sold all his guitars to afford an acoustic guitar. He called it Whatever It Takes and wrote the name on it with a shitty permanent marker. However, this is actually an encouragement note from his favourite gigolo mother. When asked about his first album, One Man Devolution Revolution, he said “This is the heaviest record I’ve ever made, even though there are no Marshall stacks on it.” This is indeed true, as the disc weighs 5 kilograms.

Guitar Hero appearance

Tom appeared in the 2007 video game Guitar Hero III: Lovers Of Cock, developed by Foreversoft where he cropped up as a boss character at the end of the second set of songs. All the RATM fanboys were incredibly annoyed at this, as:

1. They demanded he replaced Slash.
2. He looked like he walked out of a Tony Hawk game.
3. The battle against him was piss easy.

However, the in-game version of him on the Playstation 2 version of the game proved that Tom had supernatural powers, as seen when his hand passed through the neck of his guitar.

After defeating him, you were allowed to play an encore with him – Blowjobs On Parade. Nobody knows how this is possible, seeing as though RATM had only one guitarist. And no, bass doesn’t count as a guitar.

In addition to this, you could play as him, as well as the other 2 bosses – Slash, who used his signature Gibson Les Paul and Oscar Wilde, who used the unstoppable power of his mind. Top that, Buckethead.

Later days and death

Morello never gave up his political beliefs or agendas. At the end of his life, he made it his goal to to re-conquere Kenya and North Korea. He also wanted to take Uganda and South Korea, the two places he failed to rape with his military might. Because of his controversial political views and agenda, he was at all times guarded. With his connections in world military and politics, he was able to acquire the services of a special task force trained in all forms of offensive and defensive combat. When in his service, these special agents were called The Night Watchmen.

After a time, people began to realize that Morello was putting his commie hippie ideals into the lyrics of his music. After gaining funding from a few uber capitalist mega corporations, as small contingent of ultra conservative lobbied to have Morello deported. For some unknown reason, they failed miserably. In light of this, the mega corporations decided to just have him kidnapped and sent to Uzbekistan or Crapistan or some other place that sucks.

In 2008, Morello was loaded onto a plane that was sent flying into the Middle East. The pilots, who were incredibly drunk, couldn't read the map to figure out where he was supposed to be dropped. When they realized in their drunken stupor that they couldn't keep flying because they'd run out of gas, the decided to just throw him out of the plane with a parachute. They forgot that they would have to get out of the plane before it crashed to survive as well, but that's what happens when you're drunk.

As it happens, Morello landed in a mountain range in Afghanistan. The local terrorists found him and forced him into their ranks. Eventually, they found out he was a communist, at which point they laughed hysterically until they fell asleep. When the woke up, they decided that with his inferior beliefs he would be the lowest of their ranks. This terrorist group had been hired by a large weapons manufacturing company to kill some unknown target, whom they later found out was Tony Stark. Their leader, some bald guy that looked like Imhotep from The Mummy, found out that Stark was not building him a missile, so sent in a small group of soldiers to find out what exactly he was doing. Morello, being the lowest on the totem poll, was sent in first.

Tony stark had actually been building his prototype Iron Man suit, which he was wearing when Morello entered the room. Stark saw Morello and instantly knew who he was. He was thrown into a rage, and yelled out "I always knew you were a fucking terrorist!" at which point he punched TMM in the chest, sending him flying across the room. This is how it came to be that Iron Man's first act was to kill Tom Morello.

Selected discography

Lock Up

• Something Bitchin' This Way Comes (1989)

Rage Against the Machine

• Rage Against the Machine (1992) US 3x Platinum
• The Empire Strikes Back (1996) US 3x Platinum
• Return of the Ragi (1998)
• The Battle of a Wall with a Man Graffitied on it, (1999) US 2x Platinum
• Redneck Gays of Funk (2000) US Platinum
• Live at the Grand Olympic Arsehole (2003)

Audioslave

• Audioslave (2002) US 3x Platinum
• Out of Retirement (2005) US Platinum
• Live in Communism (2005) US Platinum
• Revolutions (2006) US Gold

Prophecy of the Rage Against the Machine

• Rage Against the Machine (2016)
• Rage Against the Machine (2018)