UnNews:Boy born with unusual mathematical skills to undergo corrective surgery
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Portland, OREGON: Earlier this week, a five-year-old boy in Oregon was professionally diagnosed with an innate (as opposed to acquired) understanding of higher mathematics. He has been summarily excused from his local kindergarten class and admitted to the Springfield branch of the Beth Omega Pediatric Hospital, where he will be surgically treated in a valiant attempt to remedy his woeful congenital state.
The child (whose name and residence and email address have been secretly ROT-13-encoded to safeguard his family's and school's privacy) was noted by his kindergarten teacher (Miss Pollyanna[2]) as asking untoward and age-inappropriate questions about integrating trigonometric expressions whilst drawing a crayon-colored picture of a square-rooted hippopotamus on an illegally-obtained piece of graph paper. After quelling the subsequent classroom disruption with an electric bullhorn and several warning shots, Miss Pollyanna sent the boy home and demanded an immediate medical evaluation. The patient was thoroughly examined from head to toe by a large contingent of expert pedophiles pediatricians, who then recommended emergency surgical treatment for later this month, with a fair-to-good prognosis for a complete (but excruciatingly painful) recovery.
Advanced mathematical ability[3] is an exceedingly rare birth defect among male children; estimated to occur in less than 0.00253 (+/- 0.000000000002) percent of the suburban male population. Commonly reported symptoms include obsession with numbers, logical analysis, mild headaches, and extreme social astigmatism. In the distant past, sufferers of juvenile mathematicalitis were forced to grow up to become famous mathematicians (an extremely unpopular and unlucrative career). However, what with today's modern surgical techniques, such unwanted abilities can, in most cases, be safely excised from the child's premature brain with reasonably low rates of mortality. The child is then free to live a normal non-mathematical life, relatively unharassed by family members and peers.
The young Bobby J MacPher***ooops boy remains heavily sedated, pending his hours-long procedure under the surgeon's knife, in order to prevent further inadvertent displays of incomprehensible mathematical theorems. In the meantime, his parents (Mr and Mrs Frederic J MacPher***ooops) are requesting fervent prayers and donations from well-wishers so that they may invest heavily in balefuls of lottery tickets in the hope of recovering the enormous uninsured medical costs of their child's operation and subsequent years-long anti-remedial rehabilitation.