UnNews:Donald Trump presents new science project to Cabinet
Sunday, August 17, 2025
Donald Trump was reportedly given a round of applause after presenting his science project to his Cabinet this afternoon, with dumbass and idiot alike crying tears of awe in response to Donald's presentation. Although it was hard for Donald to put together his project without eating all the contents of his glue stick, he managed to control himself and only ate half of the glue while he properly used the other half to stick the pictures and text he printed out earlier this week onto a big, trifolded piece of cardboard, ready to display.
The project itself was of incoherent substance and topic. One part of it goes over the hypothesis of his untitled experiment he supposedly conducted at home, although it seamlessly transitions into a monologue about golf halfway through. Most of the other paragraphs follow this same formula with minimal continuity between them, with one exception being the conclusion paragraph which derails to talking about Barack Obama's birth certificate instead of golf. Nonetheless, Trump included just enough buzzwords and personal insults directed at left-wing politicians to keep his Cabinet engaged throughout his presentation. About 10% of all text on the poster consists of the words "Many such cases".
Some of the pictures Trump printed out and glued to his project include his 2023 mugshot, all four of his official presidential portraits, his raised-fist photograph, and several AI-generated Studio Ghibli versions of those images. However, after spending about three hours perfecting the positioning of those photographs on his project, Trump's last remaining brain cell randomly fired and caused him to realise that these pictures have nothing to do with his project. Since his printer had run out of ink printing all those photographs, Trump finger painted over the pictures with several kinds of bodily fluids to create some generic pictures of flowers. Apart from a couple of complaints about a strange smell coming from the poster, things worked out well for Trump in this regard.
Strangely, in the post-presentation interview we had with Trump, he gave different answers to the same questions asked multiple times in a row like he was a fucking Magic 8-Ball. For example, when asked about the relation between Trump's project and climate research, Trump's possible answers ranged from weird monologues about his angst over his recent divorce with Elon, something about "nuclear warming", and some deranged fanfiction about him hooking up with Putin and Kim Jong Un for a threesome. The one time he provided an actually relevant answer, all he said was "This project exposes liberal climate extremism lies because I don't feel it getting any hotter," which was honestly a lot less entertaining than the other answers he was giving so I just kept talking with him about those.
Esteemed readers may have noticed, how could we at UnNews have deduced what Trump's presentation entailed if all we were given was an unreliable narrator in the form of Trump's answers? No other media source picked up on this event, and none of us reporters have any sort of clearance to the White House. That can only mean one thing...
That's right, fuckers! We've got a man on the inside. Good luck figuring out who that one is! (Hint: it's not the janitor this time. They stopped hiring janitors at the White House since we kept sending in obvious moles to take that position. Trump and his advisors now have to shit outside since their toilet's clogged and nobody knows how to fix it, but that's a story for another UnNews segment.)