Chav/Nature

Natural History and information pertaining to the Chav species

Habitat (Council Estates and cheap housing, mostly)

The chav can be found most commonly on council estates; run-down areas in good need of a decent firebombing e.g. Corby and Mangravet Avenue. Technically, they should be made into concentration camps as soon as possible, since they are pretty well squalid ghettoes to begin with. The chav will return to these at night to sleep, but spends most of its time in town with fellow chavs. In answer to the request of gassing all chav homes, George W. Bush declared war on chavs in 2005 for 23 seconds. Upon realising that he didn't know what a chav was and that they don't have them in America.

The County of Buckinghamshire in Southern England contains surprising numbers of chavs, probably due to the fact that Basingrad (the ancestral home of Burberry) is in Hampshire. Chavs are very much a cowardly species. It is due to this nervous disposition that they need to mark their territory by either urinating in back alleys or scrawling their names illiterately on whitewashed walls.

Chavs will often fight for their land (other such words include: 'turf', territory', or 'patch'). One such war happened at the birth place of chavs, Chavham in Kent. this historical town was formerly known as Chatham before the great "Friday Night outside McDonald's War" of 2003 and the "Battle of the High Street" of 2004 in which, despite suffering some key setbacks in skirmishes at the "underpass where all those hobos hangout" and Halford's car park, the chavs held the logistical advantage as they controlled the Pentagon bus station and the train station, meaning they had the ability to txt for reinforcements. This tactical advantage meant that ultimately the chavs held that off license that sells booze without ID and managed to regain McDonald's. To this day the chav boiz still control Chavham town centre, despite sporadic resistance from emos.

These battles often consist of Beatboxing Battles and rave dancing. These battles stem from the music chavs play to occupy their vast amounts of free time. To the sickeningly 'chavvy' beat of such music, chavs perfect their monotonous mannerisms in order to attract the 'opposite' sex ( males - males often ) - plus it allows them to gain at least some exercise.

These competitions (also commonly known between chav 'gangs' as 'dance-offs') are carried out by the female of the species, during which she will try to out-dance her opponent without inducing pregnancy. The loser is often declared when a 'chavling' is successfully laid or when her opponent collapses in a 'rave music'-induced trance. The territory is then preserved, and quality street pavements are once again littered with the cider drinking species.

The chav habitat has a few distinctive features. There are four common types of Chavitat:

• The Drinking Hole. This area is usually any one of the four walls which make up Tesco's.
• School Most chavs are forced to go to school but they often vent their feelings all over the toilet wall with sayings llke: beenzie was ere 2k7, reppin this school since day 1 and call 4 sex numbers. Such a zone can be seen from a distance, due to the bottle build-up.
• The Marking Tree. This area is commonly known as 'a wall'. It contains writing including "Mess wit us n u di". Notice the missing letters; this sums up the tribe's collective intelligence. The Marking Tree can be seen as the historical record of a particular chav gang.
• The Mating Area. This area is commonly known as 'an alley'. It contains used contraceptive items and marks on the wall, showing the gang's lost virginity count.
• JJB Sports. This is where the most fashionable chav goes to keep up on the latest chav trends. You can see many chavs sporting newly-stolen JJB items, such as the fashionable Pink Tracksuit for girls, or the traditional but still fashionable Blue Nike Tracksuit for both genders of the chav race.
• McDonald's. This is a popular place where chavs "chill innit bruv". Also known by chavs as "Maccy D's", this is a place many a chav considers a 5 star restaurant.
• The Bus station. This is a place where many a chav would hang out, smoke, have a fight and play obnoxious loud hip-hop music (the music of a chav) on their mobile phone. Some may even walk up to you and ask if you have a lighter, even if you're 14, quite obviously dont smoke (as you dont have the trademark stench of fags that seems to follow around chavs of both genders) and are waiting for a bus with your 5 and 11 year old cousins.
• The Train station. This (much like the bus station) is where many of the weaker of the species join together in numbers to gather strength. They go about the usual rituals of smoking and drinking but they usually feel threatened when a superior trades glances with them (which will often result in retaliation). The "Chav" has been known to gather at "Train station" for many hours then leaving without getting on (or disappointingly in the way of) a single train.

Feeding Habits

The chav’s digestive system is truly a marvel. NOTE: This is the only time the words 'chav' and 'marvel' can be used in the same sentence, while maintaining perfect grammar. Fresh fruit and vegetables are as poison to a chav, and it can somehow survive on a diet consisting solely of kebabs, crude oil, KFC, McDonald’s, fags, booze and chewing gum. The chav's ability to scavenge off whatever rubbish is available in primary schools suggests that chavs are descended from seagulls. This is further supported by Chavs' failure at doing maths and concentrating in school, as well as their remarkable similarity to seagulls when shot at with shotguns.

Aside from the fact that genetic research has failed to confirm this, the National Association of Seagulls has threatened to sue anybody who compares them to chavs. They have realised how stupid this makes the seagulls look. Instead, it is more likely that chavs are more closely related to sewer rats, Dolly Parton or Graeme Souness. The National Association of Sewer Rats have also lodged a complaint at this unfair comparison, although Graeme Souness has accepted that he is related to the chav, on the basis that everyone hates him as well.

Language/Communication

Chavs will communicate with one another by several methods. The most prominent methods are shouting loudly for no reason, and via one of their many mobile phones. Chav language attempts to imitate good old fashioned English, but the utter incompatibility of solvent-riddled brains with larynxes result in any spoken words becoming a gross, slurred parody of an otherwise fine language. Chavs can apparently understand one another without any trouble at all, excluding chavs from opposing gangs, known as crews; communication with these normally leads to misinterpretation leads to mortal combat. Any non-chav attempting to understand chav speech will neither understand what is being said, nor want to. The general indication of the chav's intent is the tone of the speech - if the tone is slurred and subdued, the chav most likely wants a "tab" from you. If the tone is slurred and loud, the chav is becoming likely to attack, which consists of threats and gentle shoving. One upshot of chav language is being able to detect potential chavs when one's sight is otherwise compromised. On average, a chav will swear with every other word.

A recent breakthrough by analysts of the chav dialect reveals that the aggressively and repetitively used word "cunt" is actually a pronounced form of punctuation, representing full stops, commas, semi colons, colons, exclamation marks and question marks.

when a chav is offended, it will usually resort to weak insults in order to regain its self respect. among the most common of said insults is instructions to fornicate ones mother, an invitation to fellatio or an instruction to perform fellatio on ones mother.

Having gained confidence from this new-found 'wisdom', chavs will often attempt to start fights with normal people with pig-English phrases like:

• "Looking funny?!"
• "You wha' dick'ed?!"
• "Which one o' you's looked at mai bird?"
• "You got a insert expletive spare quid/fag/drink etc?"

This grasp of 'language' slips occasionally, and a chav will approach thinking it is speaking an understandable sentence; but instead it will just be shouting a slurring gibberish. Upon finding that no one knows what it is saying, a chav will often become enraged and either attack or run away (the latter is probable if there is more than one person in the target group).

Shortened language guide: Just swear at them. For example, the other day I went up to one and said, "Ooh fucking hell wanker like fuck you wank fuck fuck wank fuck piss shit dickhead nobjockey poof arsehole fucking fuckpillow fuckhead fuckup fuckdown wankshafter nobsack gay boy twat ooh." And in return he gave me a tab and said, "Yeah, I'm alright, thanks for asking." Also, speak like a mentally challenged idiot.

On some occasions chavs will misinterpret speech from their superiors (i.e. all non-chavs and most of the domestic animals, such as dogs, cats, rodents, fish and even dead pets) which can lead to some confusing situations, especially when key words such as "yes" and "no" are mixed up. A person might try to prevent a chav from pushing in a queue for example, at which point they will enquire "do ya want your face breakin, mate?" to which he/she would reply yes, knowing full well they would not attempt any violence amongst a crowd of people with no back up. However, it is likely the chav will reply "well ya best shurrup then". This will often stun the person into a confused silence, leading the chav in question to believe they have won this particular battle of wits.

Predators and Enemies

The natural enemy of the Chav is the police officer or the ‘LAPD’ as the Chav likes to think of the British police force, the result of spending too much time listening to shoddy mass-produced rap music. Few sights are funnier than the sight of an English chav referring to the British police force as the 'feds', in a vain attempt to gain the mindset of a Latino drug dealer (or affiliated law- breaker). Chavs are in effect anarchic, and their society has not yet evolved sufficiently to understand the need for law and order.

Hence, they refuse to accept they have done anything wrong when they are dragged off to jail on a Saturday night for smashing a bottle in someone’s face. Scientists believe this might have been what civilisation was like on Earth 300,000 years ago, before intelligent life developed. Another natural enemy of the Chav is anyone with money or intelligence, most likely engendered as a result of their own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth resulting from them being a cancer upon humanity. The student presents itself as a natural enemy due to their greater than 2 GCSE abilities and the natural skill at having a good time on a night out without needing to try and punch someone.

A natural enemy of the Chav is the foreigner; Chavs are intensely jingoistic and when they go on holiday will only stay in British holiday resorts to prevent contact with any foreigners. Indeed, the Chav can go to Spain and never be exposed to a single word of Spanish for the duration of its trip. Majorca, is a particular favourite (Blackpool but warmer), where the Spanish inhabitants were driven off the island, or into slavery, serving the chav in one of the many 'London British Pubs'. These are often poor attempts to make Majorca less like a foreign country,and thus more appealing to the chav. Benidorm is also a favourite, where everyone has a Yorkshire accent, there are many pissed stained diners serving shitty English breakfasts for a euro, there is crap on the streets, fat old Lancashire housewives wear little to no clothing, and where everyone is under 5'6" tall. Anybody called Juan or Pablo are mocked and threatened for being a foreigner despite being on home turf. It is unsurprising because as everyone knows, Benidorm used to be a part of Blackpool.

Another enemy of the chav is someone not of their own race e.g., the 'mosher' or (incorrectly referred as) 'grunger'. These beings are, to the chav, said to 'slit their wrists' and 'worship Satan', although they are somewhat mistaken for 'devil worshippers'. The Mosher in fact listens to the opposite of the chav's much-loved music of DJs, instead, they listen to music such as Metallica, Iron Maiden, Guns 'N Roses and other bands with musical talent The other thing which the chav doesn't enjoy in the 'mosher' is the dress sense. As you know, the dress sense of the chav is somewhat different to the actual fashion, and also the dress sense of the mosher is opposite to that of the chav. The moshers clothing consists of baggy street-sweepers, baggy t-shirts with the name of a heavy metal band and converse boots. Also to be seen with the mosher could be a skateboard and some plastic jewellery such as a beaded bracelet. The chav, seeing the mosher over the street, will shout offensive insults in their direction or go over to attack the intruder (obviously oblivious to the fact Moshers generally wear very heavy and long metal chains and sometimes have badges that have pins or even have pins on their clothes which would act like a weak protective barrier but is sometimes effective).The Chav also my show aggression to the common emo this is perfectly normal due the emo although as useless as the chav is seen as threat chavs naturally will yell abuses across the street (fights my start form this)

Perhaps though the Chavs greatest enemy is "The complete Anti-Chav Solution", Norton Anti-Chav now used by all right thinking and honourable everywhere. To protect yourself from the Chav hordes buy Norton Anti-Chav today!

Life Cycle of the Chav

Mating

Mating Call

When a chav has that reproductive urge they will make squack sound and start insulting all the others of the opposite sex (or same sex, it can be hard to tell) by say "mwoah! mwoah! dickhead." The female chav will usually make this sound when the off licence they're standing outside is closing, especially while she's having her male friends happy-slapping the owner, she will be saying, "mwoah u dickhead, don't fuckin' close on us, yeah, mwoah innit." After which her and the chosen mate which has happy-slapped the hardest, will retreat to her lair (the council estate) and mate, to produce chavlings, who's first words are "mwoah, what you lookin' at dickhead." and also piss cider.

For group mating between clans of Chavs and Chavettes, the Chavs get into the more intelligent one's "well bad" vehicle, usually a Peugoet 206 with plastic super glued (with used cheap bubblegum) to the bottom. They then head towards the Chavette's lair (down town street corner) or watering hole (cheap corner shop) whilst playing music at approximately 90 decibels to ensure that the Chavettes can hear with their badly-infected home-peirced ears.

The music resembles this sort of rhythm: "Bum-Tet-Bum-Tet-Bum-Tet-Bum-Tet-Bum-Tet".

This usually is accompanied by poorly thought out repeating lyrics. After two minutes of this drum 'n' bass onslaught (and not the good type, the really boring, generic, chavvy type), the Chavettes, similar to what was described above, comment on the music through insult. For example: "Yer, dick'ead that is de shits!" If the Chavettes seem to be "fit" then the Chav in charge of the stereo will change the CD to the "baddest tune" they have. Usually resembling: "Tet-Tet-Boom-Tet-Tet-Boom-Tet-Tet-Boom-Tisshhh" The rest of the night involves drinking cheap cider, unprotected mating and waking up on a bench in a council estate park covered in vomit.

Male Mating Rituals

A male chav in full mating regalia.

The mating rituals of the male Chav are interesting. Firstly, the Chav will attempt to ‘chav himself up’, by putting on his most expensive Burberry shirt and baseball cap - normally stolen or bought from Argos. He will then cover himself with fake gold jewellery known as jewellery – female Chavs share genetic traits with magpies and are attracted to shiny objects. He will then plaster his hair with hair gel. The reasons for this are unknown – it does not have any aesthetic advantage, indeed quite the reverse (please note that chavs are put off by hair on a male longer than that of a bald cockatoo). A beguiling theorem is that female Chavs, on seeing the excessive amount of grease in the male Chav’s hair, will assume that he must be ‘loaded’ to use so much of a precious commodity, and thus be attracted to him. Despite the prevailing trend in chav courtship for large amounts of grease in hair they still term 'normal people', like you or me, 'Grease-Heads' as if intending to insult. Anyway, then he goes out and "blapses up his mates", the weapon of choice here is an Uzi however chances are he'll resort to a sovereign ring as a make-shift knuckle-duster as few Chavs can afford or have the contacts to get an Uzi in the UK. He will then go to a gathering spot such as a pub or bar and attempt to attract females by drinking, dancing, flashing off a packet of 3 Lambrini flavoured condoms and trying to start fights which he inevitably loses.

Female ("Chavette") Mating Rituals

When the reproductive urge is upon her and she is in heat, from the age of 5 onwards this is encouraged, the female Chav will naturally look for a mate – not a long term mate, but effectively a sperm donor. She will therefore ‘slag’ herself: This means putting on more make-up than KISS, Motley Crue, Marilyn Manson, Nicki Wall and Camilla Parker-Bowles combined, squeezing into a strapless top 2 sizes too small or too big for her and putting on a miniskirt that barely covers the pelvic regions. The overlap of fat folds or an exposed anorexic waistline are 'essential' to the pulling process (either that or the male chav doesn't have any of the standards normal humans retain). She will shower herself in cheap perfume, brush her hair tight to the back of her head (this gives the effect of a facelift) including the wrinkles when it is released and thus attired will sortie to a gathering spot.

This fashion technique has affectionately been dubbed the Croydon Facelift over recent years. Upon finding a suitable mate she will ‘come on to him’, allow him to cop a feel and get a few free drinks off him before suggesting the alley behind the pub or a nearby chavmobile as a suitable place to consummate their sordid affair. The female Chav will repeat this several times during the night to ensure maximum possibility of impregnation.

It should be noted that female Chavs do not have babies to ensure the continuation of their race, but merely as a way to scab extra money off the benefit system. Further financial gain can come from calling rape, even the male of the species does this. The resulting Chavlings are a tragic but apparently necessary side product.

Chavettes have to do the least amount of work to get knocked up, just get pissed and go with the flow.

The Lesser-Spotted Chav

This particular mutation is a young chav, who has just recently hit puberty, resulting in an outbreak of carbuncles all over its face. An example, once again, is Chronicle. Despite their diminutive stature, the Lesser Spotted chav is in fact virtually indistinguishable from the Common Chav. This has led many prominent scientists to believe (falsely – see ‘mating habits’) that chavs do not breed, but in fact split down the middle like amoebas. This is why it is not a good idea to attack a chav with a large Oriental sword (as tempting as it may be), as it will just speed up the process. This amoeba-like breeding is yet to be seen outside of Liverpool.

These creatures should not be approached under any circumstances. Although they have roughly the stature and intelligence of a large turd, they often attempt to start fights in what they believe is a manly way, in order to sate their endless testosterone-fuelled rage. Thankfully, due to their substance abuse they rarely come out on top in a fight unless they have their friend "Stanley" with them. Once you have beaten a chav to the ground and knocked all its teeth out in one punch then they will soon be defended by a fag-handed, drunk, loud-mouthed mother who is expecting a baby within 3 months. Although quite whose baby it is remains a complete mystery to both the mother and God himself.

Chavette/Oompa Loompa Theory

Chavettes and Oompa Loompas have quite a lot in common, this maye be evolution or some form of mutation from frequent over use of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes...

Oompa Loompas are small, orange, have green hair and people can't really understand them, lots of people have started to see these traits in chavettes and have logical reasons for their 'disfigurements'...

Chavettes are small because they chain smoke, they are orange from over use of fake tan, the green hair is becoming rarer now as they have learned how to better dye their hair... the green pigment was a result of bleaching their hair and then going swimming thus turning it green, and finally, they use either a long forgotten form of communication which resembles a dying cat or they are constantly fucked from overdoses of drugs and alcohol but it is hard to tell sometimes.

There is however one major difference between the two; Oompa Loompas are small and cute and are Ideal for working in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory Chavettes are Small and ugly and are only worth working as Mcdonalds till assistants or vessels to carry on the next generation of chavlings( they are already generating more!!) .

Some people frequently debate on whether Chavettes evolved from Oompa Loompas, whether Oompa Loompas evolved from Chavettes, whether they are a completely different species, wheter they are just freaks of nature or a result of inbreeding... which would explain the ponytails tied to one side of their heads as one arm is longer than the other as a result of inbreeding.

Chavettes are also similar to Anglerfish. Chavettes seem to be the dominant of the species, they have larger builds, more muscle mass and deeper voices than male Chavs * who's role must be to provide for the Chavlings or to try to impregnate the largest amount of Chavettes to carry on the species, like Anglerfish. The female is big, fat and has a HUGE mouth that will eat anything in its way (including any drunk man's penis); and the make being a small, scrawny pathetic lump of meat, sucking off her vagina.

Billy the Quid

Now, once upon a time lady and gentlemen, all of the chavs roamed around Chatham without any care in the world and caused havoc all across the highstreet. Essentially, when billy the quid came along and started asking everyone for their £1s every time they walked past, the chavs started to understand their place in the world. Unfortunately, not every town in england has a billy the quid so some of the chavs were able to emigrate elsewhere where they still cause havoc to this day