GB News

“You can put gammon in a suit. You can put them behind a smart looking desk... but they are still gammon.”

– Confucius

“Emulation is often a sign of desperately wanting acclaim. When the chosen subject is Fox News, covering oneself in shit, is way more honourable than the ignorance and hatred involved. You might smell like faeces but at least you will have your dignity”

– Noam Chomsky

“Bollocks to this, we are going to need a huge mop and bucket for dealing with this mess. And a flame thrower. Maybe some crime scene level bleach. Great stuff!”

– Senior Ofcom Officer

GB News or GBeebies is a 2021 reality tv satellite channel, featuring tantrum prone Grifter Gammon who are overdue cuddles, milk bottles and naps. It likes to believe it is a proud patriotic news channel a la Great Britain News, but that is bullshit given its the creation of Andrew O'Neil, a proud Scottish TV presenter living in France and is funded by proud patriotic tax exile companies, and it is actually Gammon Broadcasting News. It is the UK equivalent to Fox News and given that US channel's known progressive and inclusive nature, people are welcoming it .

UK Televisual Pandora's Box courtesy of Andrew O'Neil

Andrew O'Neil is the man on the street. A person who always gets heard last. Never mind that he worked for Rupert Murdoch as an national newspaper editor. Never mind that he has been pictured with several British prime ministers. Never mind that he lives in the French Riviera and has a prestigious lifestyle. Never mind the permanent tan that makes him look like a cooked turnip. Andrew O'Neil is the man of the street. An outsider. A rebel... who had a plan.

O'Neil wanted to take on the establishment. He was going to take on his former employers, the BBC and Rupert Murdoch by providing his own news channel.

One where britons in denial about the world and its history could relish narrowmindedness and bang on about things which annoy them like lockdown, climate change, Covid and Lockdown, immigrants, etc. in peace. One where if thugs harrass a leading Covid medical advisor to the Government, then they will have someone on TV taking delight in the crime and defending them . One where people could lie about refugees pouring into The UK and be free to do so . One where persons could come out with things which are conspiracy theory level anti-Semitic crap, are excused .

Since then, Andrew has learnt the hard way that actions have consequences. He has stepped away and even complained about GB News even though he ensued that the UK has another toxic disinformation filled can of bile thrown at it affecting it on a cultural and societal level. A refuge bin sized can of shit even the fabled Pandora would walk away from in disgust, knowing it would be unwise to open.

Please note that when Andrew has made appearances since it is has been in the Times and Daily Mail! The cooked turnip has not learnt a damn thing and, like any right wing grifter, cares more about his own prestige than doing right and admitting his culpability in ensuing the UK is subjected to further bollocks.

GBeebies in a summary

Note: read the following text with David Attenborough's voice.

An extraordinary phenomenon has taken place: the British pub bore, usually a solidarity figure has been joined by figures who are equally toxic, judgemental and prejudiced.

Persons about whom proud and respectful locals once stated aloud: "oh fuck's sake", "not them again" and "ignore them, ignore them" upon entering the pub, have now been legitimized by a Satellite TV channel cum primary school catering to their sad act and pathetically hateful nature.

It might mean for the pub and its other customers that they are free to drink, converse and laugh; free of a sorry shit stain masquerading as an mature adult human being. but in the long run, for British society at large, it means a lot worse. Expect even more crap on a greater level, which our nation has to deal with. Utter shite which we do not need.

Notable GBeebies Presenters

• Tommy, a nitwit who was the youngest of the bunch until Lil Darren appeared. Tantrum pone. Needs a good nap. Has a habit of copying the older children when they are blatantly being shits. Tommy, though, has a bit of an obsession with Greta, a girl from a foreign school who has achieved a lot in the community, to extent of which Tommy will dress up as Greta in order to be mean, like a jealous sad act. Once notoriously attempted to correct a prestigious student from another school about UK Law, only to find out they have a major qualification in the subject.

• Lil Darren. Younger than Tom and equally as bad. Will say anything to escape his Mum's basement. A hateful gobshite who has a history of talking bollocks. Don't ask them to fill forms.

• Calvin, the sort of Christian, Jesus themselves would karate chop and then in a final move rip out their heart like that character from Mortal Kombat for messing with his church and spreading BS in his name. This Grifter became a priest via some obscure faction; the mainstream churches apparently don't like his conservative ways - make of that what you will.

• Young Sophie, an embittered first year on par with Calvin who looks up to Tom and Darren. Yes you did read that right. She looks up to them and their BS and yet there is another vibe. A wannabe K A T I E H O P K I N S vibe in which, if you read her comments, you question which party should lead the intervention, her parents or Hope Not Hate . Even the Conservatives have halted her membership which is insightful for the wrong reasons...

• Neil, a wee barra who has revealed themselves to be bit of a dobber. Had a firm interest in digging the playground and telling other kids all about his finds, but now wants people to believe he is a Doctor, annoying adults who actually know a thing or two. Sadly, there are fools who believe him and think that his scots accent - which Mel Gibson would adore - excuses him from talking utter utter shite. He is if you can imagine it, the Scottish equivalent of legendary English twat and bellend, Jeremy Clarkson.

• Nasty Nigel. A status driven huckster who will steal other kids cookies/crisps and then point to new kids and blame them. Some of the old staff refer to Nigel as a wannabe spiv or carpetbagger. Kith and kin to Andrew and his replacement in true dog eat dog neoliberal style, as both want to be seen as outsiders, yet have prominent positions. With Nigel, this was best demonstrated how he would go out of his way to please others e.g. Donald, the former head boy from our US counterpart school, who liked to also blame new kids for all life's problems. Rumour has it that Nigel allowed Donald to give him secret paperwork from the US school teacher's rooms.

• Smarmy Dan. A kid who reeks of smugness. Think of a right wing James Obrien and you are there. Has a history of writing horrid misleading stories which he wants others to believe is news. Dan thinks he is an respected adult journalist. Bless him. Needs monitoring though, as Dan has been telling the kids that a virus affecting other kids is harmless and not as bad as the adults tell them. Has an obsession with Meghan, a US school student, betrothed to Harry, a prestigious student from another British school.
• Demon Headmaster Kathy.. Remember in the '80s and '90s when children of famous Hollywood actors from the '50s and '60 sused to publish expose autobiographies featuring cruel parenting ? Imagine that occuring now but with complaints of a head-teacher who would be a sadist's wet dream.
• Two face Lizzie. A columnist who likes to complain about how a certain royal couple reveal much of their life, yet has gone full newspaper and magazine spread about her surgery ....down below... which she even admits, her children don't like her sharing. A softly spoken person who would probably engage in mob rule.

• Kirsty and Michelle. Two mature former IT girls who have a habit of following the crowd. Former in particular has displayed some alarming behaviour, as seemed to undermine the seriousness when a couple of boys harassed another lad, Chris, who has first hand experience of the before mentioned virus.

• Doyle. Sees themselves as a comedian and is creator of a cartoon which features in the school newspaper, Teeny McGrath, which apparently a lot of the kids find funny but is baffling to adults. Has a segment Woke watch, where he appears to belittle kids who attempt to be kind and considerate to others, but occasionally get things wrong.

• 'Oakensnotsnob'. A Senior year girl who thinks that kids from poor backgrounds should be just given porridge and live off this. Well known for slandering other students and ruining their reputations especially when they are in the way academically of her current boyfriend. A future 'Why won't they think of the children, lets burn an innocent as a witch' type if there ever was one.

• Beverly, A former IT girl who used to be popular in the playground. All the kids loved her, however, they won't go near her now given she is the anti vaxxer equivalent to a bunny boiler and likes to write in chalk her conspiracy theories everywhere .

Guests

• Denise and Ian. Two pupils from a Manchester based drama school. An actor and a singer who like Dan and Neil, are in denial of the dreadful virus doing the rounds and believe that people should listen to them due to their entertainment based backgrounds. Ditto.

• Jim. A school pupil from yesteryear who put people off from playing pool for a long time, due to his twat nature. Does not help that Jim stated recently that well known kiddyfiddlers should be forgiven.

• No-go Andy. US equivalent to Smarmy Dan (whom he is mates with) who has a habit of making up crap - here about kids who go the extra mile and fight bullies. No-go Andy has a record of being on the side of the latter and has been praised by them and their mates. Praised by a member of a 'folk music' band, Manky Sons.

• Lawrence. A racist hipster from a prestigious acting dynasty who thought they were an actor like their relatives but now thinks they are a musician as well as political commentator. A CD of their music is something you give to somebody you despise. The more this prat comes out with stuff, the more their ex, a famous actor and musical artist, should be given an OBE for putting up with them.

• Julia. A heartless sixty-something female gammon, who modelled themselves on Margaret Thatcher and has never looked back.

Tory Presenters

In recent months many endearing Tory MPs have taken to presenting on GB News.

• Lee '30 PENCE' Anderson. The MP equivalent of former Sun newspaper writer Kelvin McKenzie, ala somebody who has a unashamed record of spouting narrowminded and prejudiced claptrap and being photographed with questionable individuals. Thinks 30 pence a day is enough money for food. Male counterpart to Oakensnotsnobb.

Notable incidents

• Prankster auteurs Mike Hunt and Mike Oxblood have made appearances

• Nasty Nigel accusing the Royal Navy Lifeboat Institute of being a Taxi service for illegal immigrants. This episode of xenophobia and barbarism towards volunteers putting themselves in harms way to help their fellow man, led to the RNLI, a charity, receiving a huge amount of donations .

• Scottish Jeremy Clarkson ala Neil, interviewing holocaust denying, Hope not Hate subject Peter Sweden ala Peter Imanuelsen about population collapse .
• Resident 'actor' Laurence Fox dismissing the opinion of a female journalist, stating that her feminist perspective was was irrelevant and nobody would like to want to shag them.

GBeebies School rules

• You must be proud of Great Britain at all times.
  Great Britain, hurrah! Great Britain, hurrah! Great Britain, hurrah! Greeeaaaat Briiiitttaaaaain! Hurrrrrraaaaaah!

• If somebody tells you information that contradicts the above, you know like a fact or a continuing issue that needs resolution... instead of listening to the person and reflecting on your own experiences, roll your eyes and demean them as being unpatriotic. Our guest pupil Lawrence Fox is an expert on this.

• If you come out with bullshit about this nations' history or bollocks about the Covid pandemic - don't worry. Everyone working at the station or funding it, equally does not have a conscience. Being British does not mean having shame or integrity. Appearances matter only.

#The School Motto:        Licuit sum Jack, Margaritam Thatcher colam!        a la I am alright Jack, worship Maggie Thatcher!

References

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