Talk TV

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This is talking....

...and this is Talk TV

“Better quality gammon than Nigel's mob”

~ Rupert Murdoch

“WOKES. THE YOOF TODAY. LUVVIES. IMMMMIGRANTS. MUSLIIIIMMMS. LGBTQs. TRANS. MEEEEEEGGGGHAAAAN MAARRRRCKLLEEEE. "”

~ TALK TV BLAME GAME BINGO

“Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for error. For a Talk TV personality, this is typically ranting about immigration and multiculturalism and then going onto purchase a £20 Mediterranean themed ready meal from Marks and Sparks. With Nan Bread. ”

~ Seneca

TALK TV is a British right wing news channel. It caters for classy ignoramus persons who share gammon opinions with their kin at GB News, but take delight at shopping at Waitrose or Marks and Sparks.

TALK TV presenters spout shit not unlike the content of that guy's bedside table drawer. They don't like it when they are owned by American Youtube personalities, or the British Yoof. The weatherspoon pub bores like to whine about FREEZE PEACH even if they are caught out spreading disinformation and are notorious for it.

Origins

Castle Murdoch

It was late night at the sinister Castle Murdoch, home to goblins, CHUDs and the Murdoch family.

From the living room, the young bride could hear cries of anguish, and she rushed to see what was upsetting her newlywed 200-year old husband.

"What is it Rupert?" she cried, seeing that the gentleman was ranting at the television.

"That Damned Nigel", Rupert replied, raising his fist at the sky, "the Lovecraftian monster has beaten me!"

The young bride looked at the TV and saw that the obnoxious reptilian was there, talking his typical backwards stuff that would make Enoch Powell and Mosely shiver, that he, a desperate spiv, was their legacy.

"But Rupert...Nigel is mad as cat piss" the twenty-something stated, desperate to calm her husband.

"Everybody is talking about his new channel. Everybody is!" responded Rupert, and threw his can of Fosters across the room.

The Bride paused and then stated " Rupert. I have an idea. Why not create your own version of the gammon channel?"

"I love this pop up, old fashion countryside theme bar. You get no riff-raff". "Oh I agree." " Now where was I...yes its immigration that's set Britain back." "Oh I agree" "So do I" "Cool, now finish your gin and tonic, and your coffee and we will all go to a pop-up Indian - Bangladeshi restaurant !"

"Yes!" Rupert replied, excited like a shark knowing there is blood in the water.

"Why not feature instead... middle class twats"

"Yes!"

"You know, persons who are better dressed but equally deranged".

"Yes!"

A Nostradamus illustration coloured in for the 21st century.

"Persons who already are known to the British public and like to indulge in bigotry and elitism"

"Yes!"

"The audience being not the typical pub bore found in decrepit shady outlets, but bars and pub chain outlets. Prats who poor scorn on their Dad's stupidity but are in denial of their own"

"Thank you, my dear" Rupert stated; "I will get my great grandchildren on with producing the channel".

As the bride left the room, Rupert had picked up his mobile and was barking orders to his descendants regarding the new venture.

...and thus Talk TV was born.

Motto

Common Sense upon learning Talk TV is apparently her home.

MOTTO: THE HOME OF COMMON SENSE

“I am proud to wear the poppy come November but excuse me whilst I come out with crap that would make that failed artist bloke proud, and do my upmost to stop Britain becoming a home for heroes. Its common sense.”

– Talk TV

“We love the monarchy. We are patriotic. We care. Now excuse us as we go through the house bins of William and Kate, in order to get an exclusive. Its common sense”

– Talk TV

Common Sense is a deity often invoked by the British right wing in order to excuse idiocy. However, this understandably upset the fair and youthful lady, and she explained why when we invited her to drink a mug of tea with us, in the living room.

"There was a time when I would appear to them, and try to put them right." Common Sense stated, looking downtrodden, as she drank the Tetleys.

"I would take my time and attempt to explain to them, how they are wrong." She said, sighing deeply, looking into the distance.

"I was reasonable and proportionate, but they would go full rabid, stating I was woke and politically correct, even when I myself, spoke of my sibling - the Golden Rule - and how we must always bear them in mind".

The deity was tearful as she helped herself to a biscuit. "And they are now apparently my home. I don't want a house full of bins full of half burned BNP membership cards and GB NEWS HQ parking permits.".

Common Sense then smiled, "Satan has given me an accommodation thankfully. He doesn't go near those fucks. I fear for Satan's mental health, frankly. You know its hell when you have got Hitler on one side of the Dinner table barking about the Jews, and then Julia Hartley Brewer spouting shit about Muslims and the Woke. Not even the antichrist deserves that". Common Sense then departed, but not in the manner that Common Sense has departed the soul and body of Talk TV presenters.

Presenters

Lizzie Cundy after enticing some young buck into thinking she was a cougar.

“I care for all humanity and believe in equal rights; that in order for Britain to come out of its 35 year old self-imposed neoliberal rut, we must accept our mistakes and learn from them. For Britain to heal and become respected, we must produce societal values that are inclusive, compassionate and frankly, leave no body behind.”

~ How to bait GB News/TALK TV/TIMES/DAILY MAIL/SUN/TELEGRAPH.

Lizzie Cundy

A scary ex-WAG and attention seeking socialite who likes to bark about Prince Harry and Meghan not being respectful to the King. Interestingly though, the classy Cundy once proudly shared with a British national newspaper, how her lady parts were updated. Cundy likes to regularly pose for provocative photographs in a manner in which even OnlyFans account holders would find desperate..

These desperate actions no doubt upset her teenage children but makes their male teachers eager to meet her on Parent's evening.

Mike Graham's backyard as featured on Gardeners' World. Alan Titchmarsh was not impressed.

Mike Graham

Grade A dumbass liar who left Talk TV, to sell his own brand of concrete, which miraculously grows just like a tree. Just fancy that!

Jeremy Vile at his part-time motel job.

Jeremy 'Kyle" Vile

“Vile. Vile. Jeremy Vile. Rant and rave and utterly depraved; Vile. Vile. Jeremy Vile, the nutjob had a tv show, which led a vulnerable adult to die, but instead of retiring, Vile. Vile. Vile Jeremy returned, like a peculiar itch, because Mr Murdoch is one hell of a horrible----”

~ British Children's rope skipping song (2020s).

Heartless Bozo's favourite make up brand

Julia "Hartley-Brewer" Heartless Bozo

A 60 something journalist who has a part time School Matron/Dominatrix job at House Slytherin, Hogwarts. She was Voldemort's bit on the side. And Lucius Malfoy's.

Her seedy Hogwarts room, features murals dedicated to Maggie Thatcher, Cruella De vile. Elizabeth Bathory and Eva Braun.  As well as Halfords bought, spray gun which Julia uses to apply her make up. The Heartless Bozo unashamedly likes to stir things up and laugh off her twattery.

Oakensnob meeting Rupert for the first time.

Izzie OakenSnob

A notorious journalist who would make Ayn Rand and Marie Antoinette proud, and is likely a descendent of Hansel and Gretel's nemesis. The permanent sour faced madam will no doubt become Rupert's 17th bride.

Alex Phillips's back.

Alex Phillips

A proud wine bar stool sitting Diane Mosely - ala a classy female pub bore. A woman who appeals to middle class Tommy Robinson fans. Especially your dad.. Alex likes to criticize the state of the UK and say things like London doesn't feel like London anymore, due to immigration. After stepping out of the plane, from Belgium. Which is where the proud Englishwoman lives. Fantastic !

James Whale preparing for work.

James Whale

An obnoxious, middle aged Mussolini lookalike who acts like he has the answers but spouts deranged drivel. Whale has put his own tongue in danger when he rants.

The bloated flowery shirt wearing Whale has a habit of cancelling interviews with guests, if he knows he is being shown up; Whale will unleash phlegm, before quickly exiting the debacle.

Past Talk TV Fuckups

If the current roster of Presenters doesn't make you concerned. Here is a list of their previous ones.

• Nadine Dorres. Former Tory MP who has a really questionable relationship with Boris Johnson.
• Vanessa Feltz. Don't go there.
• Piers 'Morgan' Moron. That guy who has a really questionable obsession with Meghan Markle.
• Tom Newton Dunn. A shifty journalist and professional that guy.
• Sharon Osbourne. Ozzy's wife. Whilst he once bit a bat in a drunken episode, Sharon probably has done so, whilst sober.

Quality moments

A typical Talk TV moment and the bane of the cleaners's existence.

“Fuck this. Why me?”

~ The Deity Common Sense.

• "JULIA HARTLEY-BREWER GOES FULL ON RABID. The permanent ink pen make up wearer received 15,500 complaints when she went on one towards a stoic Palestinian bloke, in a manner that would make a XL Bully dog scared to come out of its kennel.

• GET SOME CONCRETE AND PUT IT IN POT BY A WINDOW AND SEE IT GROW. According to serial bell end, Mike Graham concrete can grow.

• ALEX PHILLIPS: COULD I GO TO JAIL OVER MY VIDEOS. In which Alex Philips throws a karen tantrum that would make most 3 year olds' reconsider their behavior, because she has been caught out spreading BS about the UK Riots. And weirdly defending Andrew Tate, to be fair she is the sort of woman who he would like. And Julia Heartless Bozo.
  

  The Talk TV vigil, which Alex Phillips funded, showing solidarity to the brave Tommy Robinson Rioters entering different cities by train, attacking communities in order to protect them. Coz its em muslims ain't it !

• ALEX PHILLIPS: ITS THE MUSSSSSLIMMMMS. Phillips, upon stepping off the plane from Belgium goes full nutjob about British Muslims, implying they all think alike and want to talk over Britain, imposing Islam on us as well as banning christmas.

• CLIMATE CHANGE IS NATURAL. Yep it certainly is, in the same manner that Wallet Inspectors are also real!

TALK TV BINGO SHEET

Week 1	Week 2	Week 3	Week 4	Week 5
There is no patriotism today!	Liz Truiss was set up	HAAAAAAMMMMMAS!	The Irish!	Oh F-ck I bit my tongue!
That LGBTQ mob!	Meghan and Harry	Tommy Robinson is a national hero!	Vaccines are mind control!	The French
Coming up next on GB News...i mean Talk TV!	Fear the Muslims !	The Yoof should know their place	Bloody immigrants coming here and nabbing our jobs	Meghan coaxed Harry!
Its our right to insult Germans as you know what'll come, World Cup Time!	Brexit was brilliant	Ayn Rand was right!	Tommy Robinson is a journalist !	That bloody Rainbow flag, its everywhere you go now!
And here is our guest from the Daily Mail !	Bring back National Service	Its Common Sense!	The NHS should be privitised	We should have the right to bear arms. AK47s and M16's etc. like America, its sound over there !
Cut the Red Tape! Big Business is great!	Why should I care if there are people in Britain relying on food banks	If Covid comes around again, I am not wearing a mask, period.	Damn the Woke!	Boris was the best PM ever!
Enoch Powell was right!	Its Cancel Culture!	Climate Change is natural!	Let them eat porridge!	My former BNP membership doesn't matter and is none of your business!
I hate immigration and an inclusive society; but hey let's go out to that new curry house !	The woke and the foreigners are a threat to women ! Now you women you cannot do that with your body or be in relationship with that person.	And here is our guest from the Sun newspaper.	I love Jeremy Clarkson.	It's political correctness gone mad !
Its Jeremy Corbyn's fault!	Concrete grows like a tree!	Flipping doctors and nurses wanting a good wage!	Welcome Richard LittleJohn , to our show!	Alex Phillips rants about immigrants after arriving at the studio from Belgium.
Lawrence Fox is a hero!	....and here is our guest from Spiked online!	They are banning Christmas!	And here is our guest from a Rightwing, Billionnaire owned Think Tank.	I have updated my nether regions, who fancies a look?
All Hail Maggie Thatcher!	It was acceptable in the 80s.	The EU is rubbish!	Alex Jones is great!	I am alright Jack!

See also

• GB News
• Fox News
• UK Hitler Channel

Footnotes

UNCYCLOPEDIA CABLE PROGRAMMING
2 - FOX 3 - CBS π - DuMont 4 - ABC 5 - NBC 6 - PBS 7 - The CW 10 - QVC 11 - HITLER 12 - ESPN 15 - USA Network 17 - Lifetime	20 - UPN 21 - CBC 24 - Discovery 25 - MTV 27 - Nick 49 - History Channel 50 - Syfy 52 - Comedy Central	55 - Talk TV 57 - CN 61 - CNN 67 - EWTN 76 - PAX 78 - G4 79 - BBC 81 - HBO