Rupert Murdoch
- Not to be confused with: Satan; Margaret Thatcher; a Bastard.
“No, I had nothing to do with phone hacking, I was let down by the people I trusted. But it’s all in good fun. In a few weeks, we’ll all be able to look back and laugh at this. Why is everyone being so fucking sensitive? It’s not like I disinterred a dead corpse and beat it with a shovel. Oh, that reminds me: I better cancel my 4 o’clock.”
Rupert "Murderoch" Murdoch, a.k.a. Montgomery Burns, was born in 1891, Aberystwyth, South Australia. He controls Fox News, Skynet, and numerous newspapers all over the world, and he is the Devil incarnate.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Probably if you're not getting the news from News Corp, then you will shortly. That is, once they get a few "technicalities" out of the way.
Recently Murdoch has gained a great deal of attention for his involvement in the News of the World tabloid scandal. All of which is quite hilarious, I'm sure you'll agree. Read more to see what's got everyone laughing.
Murdoch coined the word proactive along with "it is what it is", "utilization", "synergism", and other nonsensical business-speak. Murdoch received a rating of .99 on the Belmonet-Lenner scale of evil, beating the former all-time high score of .94 achieved by a serial-killing transvestite, one M. Thatcher of Grantham.[1]
Rupert Murdoch bought MySpace at its peak popularity for a $1.4 billion. Recently, he sold the loss making site to Justin Timberlake for a combination of stock options and whatever Timberlake had in his wallet (which turned out to be some mints and condom of poor quality).
Biography[edit | edit source]
Reared in Melbourne, Australia, Murdoch began his interests in media and takeovers at an early age. At 1 year old, he forced his father to step down as owner of one of Australia’s most profitable newspapers. He went on to acquire several television and radio news organizations by the time his voice broke. His first newspaper[2] was published by William Caxton's printing press.
A taste for blood[edit | edit source]
In 1909 Murdoch's father was baffled at how the youth had gained not only power of attorney but 51 percent of the stock for his successful newspaper. Although he later said he'd given it to Murdoch as a Christmas present, at the time he was quoted as saying, "The little illywacker's done sold his own pop out. The bloody little pissant." Murdoch let his father stay on at the newspaper as a security guard until he was able to retire at the age of 86.
Leveraging his newly acquired newspaper, Rupert bought out several more newspapers in the penal country of Australia, including various different types of news media, such as television.
Murdoch began news media acquisitions in other countries. His success was short-lived when he started production of high-quality news reports investigating social and political inequalities. Murdoch needed something that would costs less but feel like actual news.
The beginning of the end[edit | edit source]
One day, Murdoch, dressed in a purple velvet jogging suit, went speed-walking through Central Park in New York City. While vigorously pumping his arms, he came across a white, middle-aged man yelling barely intelligible screeds about liberal gargoyles and minorities keeping the white man down. That man, Murdoch found out, was one Bill O'Reilly.
Murdoch later wrote that he was so caught up in this man's ability to excite the rage center of his brain that he had no idea that he was slowly massaging his nipples.
Murdoch called his assistant, and within a matter of hours, O'Reilly was cleaned, clipped, and deloused for his first appearance on his own show. Ratings for O'Reilly's first show (demographic: 62- to 80-year-old curmudgeon group) were so high that Murdoch fired all investigative reporters, who were "costing him a fortune with their bloody depressing and down-right whining reports that nobody wants to sponsor."
Emotional breakdown[edit | edit source]
His formula for replacing journalists with end-of-days street preachers worked well. He started hiring entertainers and former disc jockeys to fill as the alarmists. Things took a turn for the worse, however, in his personal life.
Success was difficult for Rupert, who would often lock himself in Sean Hannity's dressing room for days, collecting clipped ear and eyebrow hair.[3] His assistant, a Kathoey he later married, recalled how she shrieked when he saw so many stacks of ear hair in one location.
During this tenuous state, Rupert would often be seen scolding his dog, a collie named Doug, for he claimed that Doug was "abusing" itself.
In another incident, he gave his personal secretary a letter, telling her it was a list of complaints on new FCC regulations. When the secretary looked at the paper he had handed her, she saw crude drawings of gnomes engaged in degenerate sexual acts.
His family became extremely concerned over his condition. One of his sons later recalled an incident in which the Murdoch wrote a check for 3.8 billion dollars to Africa, saying, "I can live comfortably for the rest of my life on a few 100 million buckaroos. I must help people. This check will ensure that the people of Africa will be able to get the tools and equipment to live long, healthy and dignified lives."
Murdoch's closest confidants were able to stop the check in time before it provided many drought-stricken villages wells, vegetable seeds, and other supplies.
Shock therapy[edit | edit source]
Murdoch's friends began controversial shock therapies treatments to rid him of his philanthropic tendencies. But the problem didn't abate until, straitjacketed and with eyes fixed open, Murdoch was forced to take vomit-inducing medication while forced to watch hours upon hours of PBS. The therapy cured Murdoch. To this day, people will often witness Murdoch crippled by violent spasms and bloody vomiting every time someone mentions social equality and/or social justice.
Anarchy in the UK[edit | edit source]
Murdoch is suspected of ordering employees to hack into the voice and e-mail accounts of individuals who were subjects of media investigations. Those hacking incidents included cases of reporters erasing voice-mail messages before those messages were heard and recorded by law enforcement officials. In the United States, reporters for Murdoch's tv news station FOX News is suspected of engaging in similar behavior after the 911 Terrorist Attacks. Murdoch is also suspected by some of ordering the gangland style execution, and mutilation of the corpse of former News of the World journalist Sean Hoare, but since the people that Murdoch was bribing have assured the media that there was "nothing suspicious" about the Hoare death FOX News reported to everyone that there's no reason at all to be concerned.
Assault[edit | edit source]
During a committee hearing on the 19th of July, 2011, Murdoch was attacked by known pie-rights activist Jonnie Marbles. Marbles attempted to hit Murdock in the face with a small nuclear device cunningly concealed in a plate of shaving cream, but missed and merely succeeded in vaporising Murdoch's jacket. Murdoch's loyal wife and sacrificial offering Wendi Murdoch leapt into action, beating the assaulter to death. Marbles bloodied remains were then escorted into a nearby corridor and arrested by the police.
Those who spawned him[edit | edit source]
Internet rumor say that Murdoch's parents were born in Australia but emigrated to Mordor, after their extended family was likely killed by socialized medicine. However, there exists another Internet theory that says Murdoch was not actually born but was grown on the back of some kind of space turtle. When questioned about this theory, Murdoch seemed unwilling to discuss the subject, preferring to retreat into his scaly, scaly shell.
People, mostly soad-soaked Internet cruisers who "choose" not to get gainful employment, say Murdoch has several thousand eggs waiting to hatch all over the globe. To date, only two of these eggs have hatched: that of the Taco Nazi and that of James Murdoch, who heroically pointed out the grave threat the expansion of the BBC presented to Democracy in Britain (unlike News Corporation's expansion to control every major newspaper in Britain, which only enabled it to further the causes of truth and justice). Murdoch promptly disowned the former when he came out as a bread-based tapas accoutrement.
Murdoch is the third cousin (once removed) of Baron Silas Greenback.
Personal interests[edit | edit source]
Murdoch's interests include mushroom stamping employees who sleep on the job, as well as inventing new scents for his cologne line,[4] loading his nose with cocaine, strangling the homeless, using his connections at the News of the World to disinter the dead for his deviate purposes, and completing a sudoku puzzle in the bath after a long day. One of his many Pastimes include hosting parties for politicians and other people who's careers would surely falter if they did not have the support of his numerous Newspapers, News Networks, News Stations, News Channels and News Phone Hacking Squads. His favourite food is fear (i.e., other people's), but he also likes to EAT CHEESE.
Business methods[edit | edit source]
Workers' rights[edit | edit source]
In Murdoch's presence, journalists and other staff members are instructed to not make eye contact and line up against the wall. In Murdoch's Chinese companies, Murdoch requires all his males employees let him "have the first crack" at their spouses on their wedding nights. Contractually, employees are allowed to opt out of prima notca, but Murdoch then gets to watch subsequent consummations of their love any night of his choosing for as many nights as he desires.
The Murdoch Method[edit | edit source]
Since expanding his media empire to encompass most of the Western world, his detractors say he's making tabloids full of information, not good information, just information; he contends, however, that no newspaper under his control has ever printed anything other than the plain, unvarnished truth, which is very difficult to do, Murdoch has been quoted as saying.
Critics have also claimed that Murdoch blackmailed others, giving him leverage to an unfair advantage over competing networks.
More criticism arose around the media tycoon in an incident that occurred when Murdoch denied any wrongdoing. His denial and refutations of wrongdoing brought up actual allegations of wrongdoing, because no one had actually alleged Murdoch of any wrongdoing.
The incident began when the CBS network announced plans to cancel the American situation comedy Two and a Half Men because of an extreme lack of interest. It was later discovered that a note from a mysterious source had been sent to CBS head offices that read: "Remember the girl in the red dress, Moonves?" Chairman Leslie Moonves announced that the show would be picked up for many seasons to come.
Critics later alleged that this strong-arming allowed Murdoch to pick up ratings for his mediocre lineup while other networks were forced into showing low-quality shows.
Side note: Charlie Sheenwas seen weeping, cradling a bottle a bottle of gin, and mumbling something about not believing in God as long as he is forced to read another script for the sitcom. He has since figured out how to get out of his contractual obligations that tied him to the show. Unfortunately, many say he may be overdoing it, at this point.
Curiously, Murdoch called for a press conference to deny any wrong-doing--curious because no one actually accused him of blackmailing anyone. But because the only people in attendance were impressionable preschoolers (an illustration of the event was drawn by one Susie Blackwell) the audience members believed Murdoch, and criticism among toddlers went abated. At the same time, the fact that he had the press conference made everyone else in the adult world fairly suspecious of Murdoch's actions.
Animal cruelty[edit | edit source]
As an avid devotee of cockfighting, Murdoch advocates tirelessly on behalf of this industry. His journalists are committed to reassuring the public that it's a harmless pastime with no proven links to animal cruelty and that any rooster suffering injury or death afterwards is purely coincidental.
Recent acquisitions[edit | edit source]
Well on his way to total control of the world's media, Murdoch most recently paid to castrate the only free business news outlet, Dow Jones, which he plans to use exclusively as the newspaper and magazine arm of his main media venture, Faux News. "I've always been fond of my old, Bogan television roots. They do reality TV so much better over there. Unfortunately, American Intellectual just didn't seem to get off the ground in the states; I don't think viewers responded particularly well when the hosts "started using really long words."
Murdoch shot to fame, yet again, during the 2008 US election, when it was announced that he had purchased Mr. Hilary 'Hitlery' Clinton for an undisclosed sum. When quizzed about his choice of acquisition he remarked, "She's a tidy center-forward, as long as we can move the ball up the pitch and maintain a good back line to support her she'll do well."
Charity[edit | edit source]
In spite of Murdoch's conditioning that prevents him from donating to causes for social justice, Murdoch still offers charity donations to the various political parties in the United States -- you know, whoever seems like a likely winner of elections.
Black people[edit | edit source]
Rupert Murdoch likes black people and claims to have many black friends. Scientist have researched whether this is true. Lab results were inconclusive.
His views on law and order[edit | edit source]
Rupert Murdoch would like to see the complete abolition of the welfare state and the immediate reinstatement of the death penalty, flogging, the whip, the chain, torture, ball gags, nipple clamps, PVC catsuits and much more discipline for naughty, naughty people - usually anyone vaguely left-wing.
His hard-earned reputation[edit | edit source]
Back in the day, social conservatives and the religious right hated Murdoch for his (at first) "sleazy" television programs on prime-time slots in the early days of the FOX network. Then something happened when he got to meet one concerned Michigan housewife and mother who had written to FOX in the late 1980s that she hated Married...With Children for being too sexually explicit. After a few minutes (wink wink) she and the whole right-wing changed their minds about Murdoch and his television network niche. Now I see what happened, if it weren't for FOX Network's sleaziness, you wouldn't have Fox News channel to cater to the same kinds of people who once jeered Murdoch's media enterprise.
“It’s not misinformation if there’s a seed of truth. Now if that seed has been stood on by a fickin’ dingo bummer, what then? Well anyway, Aussie Bushman will tell you that it’s about making up the best of what you think you’ve got.
That – for me – is journalism.”
Reptilian humanoids[edit | edit source]
Many sources report having seen Mr Murdoch fraternising most raucously on numerous occasions with "shifty looking beings six or maybe eight feet tall, with scaly green skin, extremely long and forked tongues, and an uncanny resemblance to John McCain". Having ruled out the possibility that he was merely visiting his relatives[5], a hypothesis was formed by a leading scientist in this field that he was in fact, negotiating some kind of dodgy deal with reptilian humanoids. Leads remain sketchy of what this deal may consist of, but popular consensus among peers seems to be that he has been a long time member of the Illuminati, bears some kind of allegiance to these alien creatures, and may indeed be sub-letting certain parts of the earth for them to Inhabit to facilitate a smoother transition into the New World Order. Others, however, believe this to be a load of old cobblers and continue to watch the news, and read the papers.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
