Loughborough University
“If all the women in Loughborough University were laid end-to-end, no-one would bat an eyelid”
Loughborough University (pronounced loo-ga-ba-roo-ga) was founded in the middle ages by a whimsical travelling band of scholarly monks. It has always been a centre of academic excellence despite having to operate in secrecy after the refermation and during Oliver Cromwell's War on Terror, only to re-emerge as a Polytechnic in the 20th century before reclaiming its rightful place as the number one academic institution in England in 1966 (although this is greatly disputed by Thames Valley). The Queen was forced to give royal charter to Loughborough due to the radical fundamentalism of students who were trained by Che Guevara's evil twin who was also a ninja, like Gandhi.
After the so-called "Great Fire of London", Loughborough was rebuilt by Christopher Wren, who re-modelled the campus using Loughboronian Geometry as a guide. This was later stolen by a cheating-crack-smoking-no-good-commie-trickster, known as Ling-Fung-Wong, a sleeper agent under deep cover disguised as an international student from China, who took it home and repackaged it as Feng-Shui before using China's cheap labour to mass produce the product and export it to gullable North Americans and Europeans.
Loughborough has always been a target for academic espionage and many of its discoveries have been plageurised by international playboys such as Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Edison and Stone Cold Steve Austin. A prime example of this is the "Stone Cold Stunner", a technique pioneered by the Civil Engineering Department who used it to crush concrete blocks.
Sport and the Fountain of Justice[edit | edit source]
Sport has always played a great part in Loughborough life ever since an underground stream was found to be flowing underneath the 1st XV rugby pitch. This was rediredcted to feed the fountain in the courtyard of Hazelrigg Castle by an african student known as Isambard Kingdom Brunel. This stream was later confirmed as the only surviving tributary of the ancient River Styx. The true power of this water was not fully realised until one night when sub-average student, Achilles Jones, was on his way to the running track to commence the naked-400-challenge. He took a fateful shortcut across the courtyard of Hazelrigg "Motte and Bailey" Castle where he was accosted by a loutish gang consisting of Sebastian Coe, Paula Radcliffe and Monty Panesar. All loitering with intent and a bottle of Strongbow. The posse then proceeded to perform a treble Irish Whip on Achilles, catapulting him into the fountain. Like a Phoenix, he emerged from the fountain with god-like strength. Little did the hooligans know that their drunken japery would spawn the scourge of Troy, and ever since the treaty of Versailles, Loughborough University has had to pay war reparations to the people of modern day Turkey for the emotional and physical damage that they endured during Achilles reign of boystrous pranks which he took with him from his time at university.
The Ratio Issue[edit | edit source]
The cock-fest at Loughborough is steeped in history. It emerged in 1987 that Oscar Wilde had found Orson Welles' time machine in the boot of a car he had been joyriding, and by harnessing his powers of 'camp' he was able to power the time machine up and use it to travel back to a time when boys in short trousers and skirts was common. And so it was in fact Henry VIII that first passed a royal decree that limited female entry into Loughborough after Oscar Wilde refused to stop "goosing" parlour boys unless a sausage-fest was created in a central location that was easy for Mr Wilde to access from anywhere in England.
Henry VIII quickly tired of having Oscar "arse fondler" Wilde around, and granted Oscar his Midlands-based Pork-Sword-Jamboree on the condition that Wilde returned to his own time period.
People have called for the Royal Decree which keeps girls from entering the university grounds to be torn up, but a long standing story claims that Oscar Wilde once rubbed his arse on the document, knowing that no man would ever touch it.
Loughborough has been named a Sausage Fest Centre of Excellence on no less than 3 occasions in the last decade. The invention of global warming in 2001 has also helped to maintain the reputation as a male dominated institution since sun spots began interfering with televisions and peoples eyes, causing a trick-of-the-light which makes it look like there are less girls around than there actually are.
There are around 18,000 students at Luffers, and the ratio of male to female students is approximately 8:1, thus one would imagine that a male 'luffy' would have a 1/8 chance of securing a woman with whom to have sex. However, in practice about 75% of the women (1,500) are absorbed by an equal number of men, leaving only 500 women free for the remaining 14,500 men; a ratio of 250:1. Fortunately these are not ordinary women, no, they are Loughborough women, and perfectly happy to take up the slack.
Loughborough is well known for its enormous number of male individuals wearing Jack Wills/Abercrombie attire. These are often found to be matched with flip-flops, floppy hats, and very very gay little shorts. This extremely homosexual way of dressing only encourages more and more 'men' to attend the university, furthering the very serious cock-fest issue. One would not be ashamed/wrong for thinking Loughborough University to be an ACTUAL cock-fested gang-bang, with a few girls interspersed - just for jokes. However some girls can be mistaken for guys - make sure you look closely when seeing floppy hats and joggy bottoms, because it might just be a lesbian - and not a gay, as originally speculated.
The legend of the Pilkington Library[edit | edit source]
Contrary to the popular myth the Pilkington library was not a design dreamt up by David Blunkett when on crystal meth binge. In fact it was the visionary Sir Norman Foster who conceived the radical concept. The idea was simple – build everything from concrete, with no internal finishing whatsoever and supply a hugely insufficient number of computers. It is a little known fact that the library houses the world’s only concrete lift and is grade II listed. Many consider it to be the ‘unofficial’ 8th wonder of the world.
Speculation has always been rife as to how financing for such as spectacular design was raised. It is alleged that Oscar Wilde, the then Chancellor of the university approached the Pilkington glass company and after a night of homoerotic tomfoolery it was agreed that they would put up the cash. However there were conditions to the financing; the library must forever bear the name of Pilkington glass and for 99 years all students of the Civil and Building Engineering Faculty must be indoctrinated with the virtues of Pilkington glass by being forced to watch the “That is Glass” propaganda video. Stanley Kubrick cites that this was a major inspiration for his cult film ‘A Clockwork Orange.’
The library has an inverted pyramid shape and legend suggest that the bones of the elephant man are buried at the apex, some 200m below ground level. In keeping with its Egyptian heritage the library was constructed using traditional methods from the time. Many international students who agreed to work on the project rather than paying extortionate tuition fees, perished during the marathon 10 year construction period. General Pinochet, who was the head librarian at the time, ordered that the bodies be buried in mass graves under the many sports pitches on campus.
It is true that the library is gradually sinking into the ground below. Ignorant proletarians suggest that this is due to the fact that the design calculations were made by a BEng Civil Engineering graduate who forgot to include the weight of the books and experimented with glass foundations. In fact the library is designed to sink into the ground and reach the centre of the earth by the next millennium.
The Loughborough Prowler[edit | edit source]
The Loughborough Prowler is a mongrel sex offender who is said to be half gay/half gay and a member of the electrical Engineering five aside football team. This limits the potential prowlers on campus to approximately 82.3% of the university population. The story goes that he grew up in a council estate called Falk Egg which is where he first discovered the formula for his secret rapey juice. His nickname is one minute will and he uses the juice to transform from Dr.Manc to Mr.Rapedo- an alterego with an infinite thirst for Nasty. Since 1999, he has spent his life in his box (falk egg), occasionally playing awful music to stun his prey, drunken fat bitches on the way back from the union.
A recent poster campaign around the university titled "don't be a victim", has gone almost unnoticed and the number of drunken fat bitches being abused has remained unchanged. Even in this utopian society, names like chubber, shamu, wide-load and pie are still common place, and the number of bigger-mommas being picked up between the hours of 2am and 3am remains high.
DON'T BE A VICTIM! DRUNKEN FAT BITCHES ARE WARNED NOT TO GO HOME WITH ANY GREASY MANC TYPE
Engineering[edit | edit source]
Engineering has been a problem at Loughborough University since 1973 when civil engineering students who were playing with diggers, accidentally dug up an ancient Indian Applied Science burial ground.
Famous Alumni[edit | edit source]
- Calum "Cal*Oil" Courtney
- Monty "Don't touch the hair" Panesar
- Tanni "Hot Wheels" Gray-Thompson
- Sir Clive "Half-Pint" Woodward
- Christopher "C-Train" Crabtree
- Terrible Terry Tate "Triple T"
- Samuel "Lanky Shit" Neilan
- Michael "Chairman Mal" Mullally
- James "Pull my Finger" Gibson
- Paula "Pissy Pants" Radcliffe
- Sheppy ' its Grant' D
- Mitchum Bates, Stallion of the North
- Patrik, Hungarian Princess
- Bear Wayne Jonson, Inbred of the IOW
