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Portal:Politics

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The Political Portal
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Politics is the art of being wrong. The name is based on the words Poly and Ticks, Poly meaning many, and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites. Politics therefore means many blood thirsty parasites. Basically these politics/politiks or politicians, exist to drink the blood of the citizens of a nation. There are generally three categories of politicians: liberals, moderates, and conservatives. Each are equally partial to the sweet, sweet fuckred liquor of the populace. Conservatives want to make all but the the richest 1% into slave laborers who are forced to build giant pyramids, whereas Liberals want to allow gays to legally marry you against your will. Moderates strike a balance between the two positions, arguing that gays can only force you into a "civil union" and that everyone should have the option of building giant pyramids. Besides these groups, other known practitioners of politics include waitresses, who are most proficient at doing so while businessmen slowly get stoned. (See more...)

Featured Article
The American Dream in its most powerful and subversive guise.

A hauntingly compelling vision of crash consumerism in Mona Lisa Overdrive, the American Dream continues to call its public on closer to the precipice of overweight hubris. The most successful public relations campaign of all time, even exceeding that of Stephen King and surprise silent partner Jimmy Carter's conspiracy to Scare the Hell Out of Everbody at $36 a hardcover pop, this barbecue heat-shimmering vision transcends all times, all moral values, and all tax classifications. What is this silent killer, and why does it draw the ambitious onward like trailer park girls to a free keg party?

Existing as a featured article under the right to pursue Happiness with an itchy trigger finger, the American Dream rapidly gained a large following. Virginian, Carolinian and Georgian landowners resisted the idea, claiming that as they had gotten there first they deserved all the gains. Yankee carpetbaggers, naturally, disagreed.

Written by Shandon
Featured Image
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Little known fact: Mae Zedong earned the pejorative "Chairman Meow" due to the mutated cat-like ears which grew out of his skull. Almost every picture of Mao has been airbrushed to hide them.
Image by Sockpuppet of an unregistered user
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Featured Biography
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Colonel Bernard "Bernie" Sanders (born September 8, 1941) is an alleged U.S. Senator and dirty communist representing the 9,615-square mile patch of progressive insanity that is Vermont. After having served nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, a demented Sanders had developed delusions of grandeur, and announced a 2016 presidential candidacy, genuinely believing America was ready to elect a senile socialist to the White House.

Aided by an army of young white people with money and the Internet, Sanders had become a popular "meme" candidate, along with Donald Trump and, previously, Ron Paul. Sadly, another political underdog with her anti-establishment vagina won the primary and the nomination, and the millennials who upvoted him to success will hang their heads in shame, their nascent political optimism crushed by reality's cold grip. With Trump's ascendancy to the Presidency, all the political pragmatists who said, "Bernie is a pie-in-the-sky choice, choose compromise," will hang their heads from their ceiling fans. You fuckers.

When Sanders was a young man, Eugene V. Debs told him: "Socialism ain't that bad. Here, read some pamphlets." He's been a leftist ever since. Sanders was mayor of Burlington, Vermont, for several years, turning the cozy New England hamlet into a repressive socialist dictatorship. Dozens of Bernie Sanders statues were built in the city, and hundreds of bunkers were constructed, dotting the landscape like goosebumps on a moderate Democrat.

Did You Know?
  • ... that a Civil War is a form of warfare defined by its kindness and civility, in stark contrast to other methods like total warfare?
  • ... that the Republicans chose the elephant to be their political symbol because they are fat, heavy and like to trample over Black people?
  • ... that swing states are called "swing states" after Jazz musicians, who frequently vacillate between being Democratic or Republican?
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