So, how are you guys doing?
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Obama
Growing up in Hawaii, I could never imagine that I'd be on this stage today, making my case as president to people-with-nothing-better-to-watch everywhere. Just ten years ago, I was running for senator in Illinois, and even though all the odds were against me, I managed to prevail. You know why I managed to prevailed? I gave the Illinois people something they never heard before, a message of hope and progress. It's the same message that got me this seat four years ago, and it's the same message I'll moderately tweak to get me this seat again in November.
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Romney
I'm doing quite fine, thank you.
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Now, let's start with the big one. How will you create jobs?
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Obama
I know that if we wait long enough and spend enough of China's money, we will have all the jobs we need. If you don't believe me, just look at how I dealt with General Motors when it was on the brink of bankruptcy. I walked up to the GM executives, looked them straight in the eye, and handed over every single dollar they asked for. The result? General Motors is now the most successful car company in the world, and we now owe China a trillion bucks. Mission accomplished, America. Mission accomplished.
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Romney
I have a five-step plan for creating jobs:
- Win this debate
- Become president
- Write an autobiography after my term's over
- ???
- Jobs!
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Are there any fundamental differences between you two in the way you'd tackle business?
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Obama
Simple. We'll shut down any business we don't like and give billions of dollars in subsidies to any business we do like. I know that strategy sounds completely insane right now, but just give it a few days, and it'll sound only partially insane.
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Romney
As a businessman, I know that we hate being regulated, so once I'm president, I'll let America's businesses do whatever they want whenever they want. Want to make "too big to fail" bets that threaten to plunge our country into more recessions? Go ahead! Want ships our jobs to Indonesia, Argentina, and a bunch of other places I've never heard of? No problem! Want to blow your company's assets on drugs and hookers while your employees are barely scraping along? Fine by me!
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What are you going to do about our massive debt?
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Obama
I'll reduce the debt by raising taxes for the wealthy. Except me, of course. I don't like being taxed. It's too annoying to fill out all that paperwork.
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Romney
I'll reduce the debt by cutting our subsidy to PBS. Don't get me wrong, I like PBS. I like Big Bird, but that Elmo cunt needs to die. Pardon my French, but he's almost as annoying as that purple fucking dinosaur.
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Now on to immigration ...
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Obama
Dream Act.
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Romney
Pass.
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Now on to gay marriage ...
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Obama
Pass.
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Romney
Pass.
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Drug laws?
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Obama
Maybe next debate.
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Romney
What the black guy said.
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What about abortion?
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Obama
Under my administration, we're going to do everything we can to preserve a woman's right to choose. If you want to choose to eat cake for breakfast, nobody's stopping you. If you want to choose to go out there and vote for me, please do so. It would be very much appreciated. If you want to choose to abort an unborn child, we'll leave that to the states, but we're totally rooting for you.
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Romney
Under my administration, we're going to do everything we can to preserve a baby's right to life, except in cases of rape, incest, life of the mother, or the father being me. If the father's me, I'll allow you to abort the child and never speak of it again. In fact, I'd personally prefer if you do that.
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Alright, then. So final question: Nuclear weapons. Iran. What's the deal with that?
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Obama
We have done everything possible to ensure that Iran doesn't get a nuclear weapon. We've talked sweetly to them. We've imposed sanctions. We've talked sternly to them. There's just no way they can get a nuclear weapon at this stage, and ... just hold on a minute. My phone's ringing.
What? They got a nuclear weapon? Shit, that won't look good on my record.
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Romney
I have nothing to add, so I'll just sit here and smile nonchalantly.
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Let's just move on with the closing arguments before I lose what's left of my sanity.
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Obama
I know things have been tough for the past four years, and I know you have little reason to re-elect me, but look at Mr. Moneybags over there.
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Romney
Someone call?
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Right here. Yeah, what's up with those 47% comments? Were you trying to give me the election?
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I didn't know I was being recorded!
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This is the 21st century, Willard. Everything you say is being recorded.
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Yeah, I've realized that by now. How do you put up with all this?
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I ask myself that every day. You want to get a drink when this is over?
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Well, that goes against my Mormon beliefs ... but fuck it. I deserve a drink.
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