Geraldo Rivera

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“He must be hiding something underneath it”

~ Homer Simpson on Mustache

“Habla Ingles?”

~ Geraldo Rivera on Immigration

“Fear tactics with a stache...”

~ SOADalien on Geraldo
Geraldo with one of his early lovers.
Geraldo with another one of his lovers.
Geraldo and his lover before his assassination.

Geraldo Pedro Miguel de Pablos Sánchez Chávez González Jesus Pancho-José Mierda Riviera Smith (or better known as Geraldo "Out-Mustache-You" Rivera or Horrendo Revolver) (May 5th, 1912 - April 6th, 2007), was a walking mustache and news dude for CNN or FOX. Underneath his Chorizostache is of course, G-Zeus & Noel Coward in disguise. It is notable however, keeping in mind that that the name "Geraldo" is merely the name of his mustache, the rest of his body is in a symbiotic relationship with it; almost acting as a parasite as it branches off. This is a highly controversial theory though and is debated by many scholars.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Geraldo was born somewhere in Mexico with the mustache. Yes, we said it: he was born with his mustache. He was raised by the Mexicans and like most Mexicans, lived in a house made out of compressed soil, which is technically worm shit.

He grew up in the typical Mexican fashion, with sixteen sisters and seven brothers. Geraldo describes his home life as being very dirty, and, "No había suficientes burritos para todos nosotros" (translation: "there weren't sufficient burritos for all of us").

Geraldo Gets a Yob[edit | edit source]

He began doing news reports for local television stations, despite the fact that nobody had a television in Mexico. He eventually got a job offer from Telemundo, which required he relocate himself in the United States. He gladly accepted. He had little success in the five days he spent with Telemundo, and he was eventually fired from Telemundo for urinating in the staff lunchroom coffee maker.

He went on to co-anchor for a brief time with Ron Burgundy, and then got an offer from the recently founded FOX or CNN news stations. He still works there for below minimum wage.

Homosexuality[edit | edit source]

In 1985, Rivera declared on one of his news segments to the entire public that he was a homosexual. Over the years, suspicion grew from such respectable sources as The National Enquirer and Star Magazine. Star Magazine released an article in a later magazine issue in which they taunted the reader, with such statements as, "nah-nah-nah-nah, we told you so".

The first suspicion of Geraldo's homosexuality was suggested by the fact that Geraldo's stache is enormous, and that he was seen flirting with candidate, Borat Obama?. Geraldo's mustache flatly denies any homosexuality.

Capone's Vault[edit | edit source]

In '86, Geraldo opened what many thought was Al Capone's vault, only to be surprised later that he was actually opening his own refrigerator. Despite popular belief, two lumps of poop were found in his refrigerator as well as a shit-encrusted bottle of bathtub gin that Geraldo claimed belonged to his cousin, Christofer. His career never recovered (and neither did his rectum.) Many folks are still angered and would like to put the bottle back up Geraldo's ass. To these people it is a precious hour of their lives that they will never recover. From this we can draw the conclusion that Geraldo Rivera is an enormous asshole. This is but one example. Yet that example later made Geraldo qualified enough to get a job with Bill O'Reilly on Fox News, as Bill loves to stick things up his ass and other people's asses and is also an asshole. Not really a career, unless being a right-wing asshole is a career choice or something like that.

¡Odio Iraq![edit | edit source]

While with CNN/FOX/Whatever, Geraldo was located in Iraq for a brief time, being an on the field reporter for the "war". However, being the evident retard that he is, he started giving away troop positions to the enemy, who evidently watch Geraldo as much as we do (which means that they don't watch Geraldo). He was kicked out of Iraq.

The famous Geraldo Mustache[edit | edit source]

As of 2007 Geraldo Rivera's very distinctive and trademarked mustache has passed into legend as the single greatest piece of facial hair known to humanity. Affectionately refers to his moustache as the "Castillian Cock Duster". Geraldo's moustache has more male DNA in it than the Department of Defense Serum Respository.

During the landfall of Hurricane Ike in 2008, Geraldo's Mustache helped him to stay grounded in 150mph winds, and acted as a life preserver for fifteen people.

Death[edit | edit source]

In 2008 Rivera was stabbed and shot 9 times in the head by former member of the KKK Robert Byrd who was angry that his white wife was having an affair with Geraldo. Michelle Obama was behind the attack.

At his funeral only Mexican President Felipe Calderon attended and Rivera was buried in Mexico.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • He is married to Connie Chung, and subsequently had an affair with Maury Povich which ended in a bloody divorce. Chung never questioned the blood stains.
  • He is rumored to be very fond of cheese and often feeds his mustache cheese as well.
  • He joins Bob Saget in his pass time of blowing cigar smoke in orphans faces.