SL Benfica

Benfica's logo.

“Our greatness is obvious. We have a concrete bowl, they have a toilet.”

~ Benfica on Sporting

“We will win 15-0.”

~ Benfica on every game

Sport Lisboa e Benfica, roughly translated to Cocky Disrespectful Lisboans United; and also taken to mean Sporting Lamps Eating Benfica or simply Benfas, are, apparently, the only football club consisting of cunts in Portugal, and thus the world. They are thought of to have took out every other club during the Great Ego Inflation of 2002. Rumours of a third club in Portugal persist, though SLB dispute this as merely a poor dining club.

Even when there were other football clubs — and when O Merdoso ("The shitty one") admitted there were other clubs — Benfica never really paid attention to them, as they kept thinking that the 1962 Benfica side reincarnated (yeah, we hear that every year) will simply steamroller every other team, barely having to turn up.

History

Pre 1960

More titles than Sporting, FC Porto and all the other clubs combined. Cheating included bribing referees, goalkeepers and having assistance coach offering prize money to players from clubs when playing against Benfica rivals. Still, Benfica didn't managed to win them all.

The 60's

Salazar was a Sporting fan and admitted to being one and a Belenenses fan. Dispite all this nay say he still had the secret political police beat up Eusébio when he wanted to leave Benfica for a foreign club. Salazar would only have the national song Fado and cheap low taxed wine to distract the common peasants from national affairs.

The 70's

Still have more titles than Sporting and Porto combined, unfortunatly wine taxation kicked in, Eusébio was turned into a bronze statue by Darth Vader and people somehow got hold of records with proper music. Legendary player Vítor Baptista lost one of his earrings after the end of one match and had all LGBT community including Gorge Takei looking for the earring. They looked for the earring for 5 seconds until a massive orgy started including people on the pitch, Benfica staff and players and Benfica fans. This become known as "The day Benfica made God cry".

The 80's

Dominated until someone named Pinto da Costa aka Don Corleone of football arrives at Porto, Benfica cheats harder and harder but the more they cheat the more they lose.

The 90's

FC Porto cheating is more effective than Benfica and Sporting cheating combined so FC Porto starts to win a lot of championships thanks to the pre coke addict Mario Jardel who scores almost as many goals as Rui Costa, Michel Preud'Homme sucks cocks. Fortunately for FC Porto sucking cocks does not count as goals so Benfica lost leagues and try adapting new gay tactics. It was impossible to bring back Salazar as a zombie so the situation could not be rectified. This has a pronounced ego trip effect making all Benfica supporters eat lots of sardines and get boozed up on cheap beer just before beating up their spouses. An activity now known as "post match wind down". Wives suspect Benfica husbands of being gay.

Millenium

In the mid 2000's Benfica invents a new way of cheating and finally wins a League offering fresh pairs of football boots to referees, and bribes satellite club of Estoril to secure the game and championship. Benfica's president boyfriend José Veiga gets pregnant and helps deliver a championship to Benfica. On the late 2000's Benfica yet invents a newer ways to cheat. A plan convinces hardcore fans to become referees and these magically get promoted rapidly. B plan is to have "Referee commision President" bow to Benfica and make sure Benfica gets the right Referees to their games. C plan involves meal vouchers offered to referees, so they can enjoy a well cooked meal if they previously cooked the game in Benfica's favour. D plan is to secure the flow of cocaine via Porta 18 or "Door 18". This ensures the financial stability of the club after the failed attempt of Benfica's president to make a fortune hiding coke in cheap second hand tyres, when he was selling them.

Benfica Legends

• Eusébio - Benfica's all time goalscorer, and one of the best players in the world of all time. Scored 317 times out of 301 games. Nicknamed the "Pantera Negra", black panther. He is a symbol of the club. He spent all his money on prostitutes and alchool. To show the grandiosity of the club, and symbolize the types of supporters Benfica has, who could be better than a guy who can't even speak perfect portuguese? Yet and as this wasn't enough Pantera Negra after leaving Benfica and signing for smaller club Beira Mar refused to be a professional and play properly agains Benfica, and almost scored own goals.
• João Vieira Pinto - A brilliant player, played with Benfica for most of his career, 8 years. At Benfica, he won one league and we cups. Played for Portugal 83 times, hitting the back of the net no more than 23 times. One of the best players of time and was part of the Portuguese 'Golden Generation' which won the Under 20 World Cup in 1989 and 1991. After Benfica, he played in Sporting... and says it was the worst club in which he played. Simultaneously with football, he was undertaking a careers in both diving and boxing. He also had deep interest in practicing swing with his colleague Nuno Gomes.
• Calado* - The most successful player ever in Benfica history and probably the best in the world, actually 100000000 times better than Pelé, Eusébio, Ronaldo, Ronaldo II and Messi combined. Only possible because he had a sex affair with a singer of a Portuguese boy band named Melão ("Melon"). Calado's wife found he was having a gay affair with mentioned singer when he found Melon seeds inside his boxers. It was also strange because sewers form the area Calado lived at the time were blocked with full sized melons.
• Rui Costa - Another player of the Portuguese Golden Generation. Rui was a brilliant number 10, one of the best in the world. Also played for Fiorentina and AC Milan, where he won a Champions League. He retired at the end of the 2007/2008 season and is now the director of football for the club. He had sex with Nuno Gomes... but it was only once, so I guess it's ok. Know for his signature "cock sucking mouth" stance, always playing with his mouth open.
• Michel Preud'homme - One of the best goalkeepers of all time, won the first Lev Yashin trophy for best goalkeeper in 1994, a goalkeeper who will always be remembered. Benfica had a special place for "cock sucking mouth" players. Preud'homme was almost as good as an example of this as Rui Costa, but despite a long career he never sucked as many dicks as Rui.

Estádio da Luz

The Cathedral (The concrete bowl), where Benfiquistas come to pray for a time machine to take them back to 1962. There have been two incarnations of this stadium, the half-decent one that finally crumbled in 2002, and the new one, now complete with such amenities as videos of the old finals, half-decent seats, and, in a jibe to possible cross-Lisboa rivals Sporting, cheap, tacky toilets. However, this is confusing, as Benfica seem to think that Sporting does not exist, but still... Benfica tried to get a special stadium contract going with the power company so that they could conduct high voltage reviving experiments but spent all the money printing fake out of market bonds (with zero nominal value) to pay taxes. The fake bonds worked so good the zombie making has been postponed. From 1998 to 2000 Benfica said "sod it tax office!" and the tax office went easy on them on accounts of a fake FPF comission led by a well known deuche bag that white washed it and made it all good.

Supporters of "O Merdoso" ("The shitty one")

In Portugal, malicious Benfica Special Ops teams go round the country, maintaining a special "Castle of Benfica" in each municipality, making sure that most people are brainwashed so that they support Benfica. The club keeps its record of having the highest number of sócios (paying supporters) via mass brainwashing camps in many countries, such as Andorra, Angola, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Cape Verde, Croatia, France, Germany, Guinea-Bissau, United Kingdom, Japan, Luxembourg, Macau, Mexico, Switzerland, Netherlands and United States.

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Football