Cole Palmer
Cole Jermaine Bloodclart Palmer (born May 6 2002), better known as Cold Palmer is a Rastafarian the coldest soccer player footballer who current plays for Chelsea Kids FC and the Jamaican soccer football team. He is widely regarded as one of the COLDEST football players of all time with the most aura despite being just 22 years old, known as one of the coldest young players ever for dunking a hat trick on the banter club formerly known as Banchester United and even cooly slotted against his former club Oil Money Manchester Shitty. He's colder than Messi. He's colder than Penaldo. He's colder than any footballer that has ever lived on Earth.
“If Palmer was playing during my prime, I'd be working as a janitor by now.”
Early life[edit | edit source]
Cole Jermaine Bloodclart Palmer was born on 6 May 2002 in the shitty suburbs of Wythenshawe, Manchester, England. While Palmer may look like your average mouth-breathing Yorkshire Eminem doppelganger, his Rastaman history goes back to the mid 20th century, with his great grandfather emigrating from the Caribbean to England in 1960. He has a sister as well but legend has it that in the year 2006, she used Doc Brown's DeLorean to travel to the year 2186. She has never been seen or heard from since. By the time we get to 2186, Palmer will probably have been long dead by then...
Well anyways, Palmer's father (despite his real badman heritage) was an avid football hooligan and Sunday league player for nearly twenty years with Palmer regularly watching his father play. Most puzzling though, Palmer grew up a Banchester United fan. If only Palmer knew what he would to his boyhood banter club more than a whole decade and a half in the future.
Club career[edit | edit source]
Despite being a boyhood Banchester United fanboy, he ended joining arch nemesis Oil Money Manchester Shitty at a very young age as still a minor. Hopefully he didn't run into Drake there. Or John Wayne Gacy. Oh wait, he died ages ago, sorry. Well anyways, when Palmer was a teenager, there were concerns that he was too much of a scrawny, lanky fuck to even play football professionally. Thankfully, they realised the potential of the coldest man on earth and they didn't release him. He made his professional debut for Shitty in 2020, but nothing much of note happened while he was at Shitty and didn't play very much and started even less. He was part of the treble-winning team of the 2022-23 season, but Palmer barely played, when he did did shite all and only scored one goal and that was in the fucking FA Cup that nobody really gives a shit about. That's why Assnal (formerly known as Anal Probe FC) think they're the biggest club in London even though they haven't won a fucking league title since two thousand and shitting four. "oH bUt WeVe GoT 14 fA cUpS!". Shut up bitch! (*dwayne the rock johnson voice*)
Well in 2023, after finally realising he isn't gonna be getting any game time for that shitty club with no fucking history, Palmer probably made the smartest decision he ever made by leaving Oil Money Manchester Shitty and joining the biggest club in London, Chelsea Kids instead of going to another banter club like Tottenham Hotsperm. And it was after this move that the world truly became familiar with Cole Palmer Cold Palmer. The Caribbean prodigy instantly hit the ground running, scoring big goals against two teams full of virgins who Chelsea are way bigger than: Assnal and Tottenham Hotsperm. However, Palmer's true breakout moment and his Cold Palmer nickname would come in the match against the very oil money team who grew up and spent 13 years with: Oil Money Manchester Shitty. Let me set the scene:
It is 12 November 2023. The fixture is Chelsea Kids vs. Oil Money Manchester Shitty at The Battle of Stamford Bridge. This is a crucial game for the kids and the they are losing 3-4 to Shitty late on. However, Chelsea are awarded a penalty in the 92nd minute and Cole Palmer, who had become a penalty merchant scored all three of his previous penalties for the Kids, was to be the one to take the penalty. The pressure was huge. It felt like the entire world was watching. But in the 95th minute, the unfazed Palmer cooly slotted it in and it was 4-4. Palmer simply shrugged his shoulders as his celebration but sort of not celebration. Ice cold. Brrrr! And it was here that Cole Palmer became Cold Palmer. And the rest, as they say, is history...
Palmer would continue to steal the show and carry Chelsea Kids on his entire back while the rest of the players did practically fuck all... However another one of Palmer's shining moments would happen on 4 April 2024, where Chelsea Kids were losing 2-3 at home to... FUCKING BANCHESTER UNITED!!!! FOR FUCK SAKES!!! Sorry... well 99 minutes and 17 seconds in the match, Chelsea's Crappy Kids were losing 3-2 to Banchester United. Within 82 seconds, Palmer netted twice to make it 4-3, scoring his first hat-trick and stealing all three points for the Kids. If that isn't aura, I don't know what is... What is even more crazy is that just 11 DAYS LATER, Palmer got himself another hat-trick by scoring four goals sexier than Rihanna and Beyonce against B-Tech Liverpool. By the end of the season, Palmer had done numbers that had outnumbered the likes of some of the best seasons of Fat Frank and Thierry Henry! I meant Didier Drogba (aka the gay Ivorian player). In the course of one year, Palmer had went from nobody from one of the most famous footballers in the Premier League, even though it might as well be a farmers league at this point cos Oil Money Manchester Shitty are winning the league what seems like every single fucking year now! Like Pep Guardiola, fuck off please just like Cole Palmer did to your cheating team.
International career[edit | edit source]
In 2023, after proving his worth by taking the fattest shite on his former club Oil Money Manchester Shitty, Palmer received his first call-up to the England national football team aka It's Not Coming Home. Because it isn't. I mean, he might as well have joined the Jamaican Yardies cos even they have more chance of winning something than England for fucks sake. Even the stinky people from Greasy Greece have won something after 1966 before England. Unfortunately for a cold player like Cold Palmer, he was a victim of quite possibly the worst football manager of all time: Gareth. Fucking. Southgate! And we saw this at the Fucking Euro 2024. (yes, England didn't win. Shock.)
At the Euro 2024, Gareth Southgate was too busy get blowjobs from Phil Foden despite the fact Foden was stinking up the gaff every single fucking game. Statically, Foden scored ZERO goals at the Euros and got NO assists either (which if you're not a football fan, that is EXTREMELY fucking bad, especially considering Foden robbed Palmer of the Premier League Player of the Season award). Like what the actual fuck?! So because Southgate was too busy getting sloppy-toppy from a bastard like Foden, Palmer somehow didn't start a single game at the tournament and was disappointingly limited to substitute appearances whist Phil Foden started EVERY SINGLE SHITTING GAME. And even then, Palmer was still doing way more than Foden off the bench while Foden was taking literal dumps on the pitch.
Goals[edit | edit source]
For all you statistic nerds out there, here is a list of every professional goal scored by the man with ice in his veins, Cold Palmer:
Oil Money Manchester Shitty[edit | edit source]
| No. | Home team | Score | Away team | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 6-1 | Mindless Wanderers From Wycombe | 21 September 2021 |
| 2 | Some Belgian Team Nobody Cares About | 1-5 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 19 October 2021 |
| 3 | What The Fuck Is Swindon Town | 1-4 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 7 January 2022 |
| 4 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 6-0 | Brexit Burnley | 18 March 2023 |
| 5 | Assnal | 1-1 (5-2 pens.) | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 6 August 2023 |
| 6 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 1-1 (6-5 pens.) | Sevillains | 16 August 2023 |
Chelsea Kids[edit | edit source]
| No. | Home team | Score | Away team | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Brexit Burnley | 1-4 | Chelsea Kids | 7 October 2023 |
| 2 | Chelsea Kids | 2-2 | Assnal | 21 October 2023 |
| 3 | Tottenham Hotsperm | 1-4 | Chelsea Kids | 6 November 2023 |
| 4 | Chelsea Kids | 4-4 | Oil Money Manchester Shitty | 12 November 2023 |
| 5 | Banchester United | 2-1 | Chelsea Kids | 5 December 2023 |
| 6 | Chelsea Kids | 2-0 | The Team That Everyone Knows Will Finish Last | 16 December 2023 |
| 7 | The Worst Town In England | 2-3 | Chelsea Kids | 30 December 2023 |
| 8 | ||||
| 9 | Chelsea Kids | 1-0 | B-Tech Chelsea | 13 January 2024 |
| 10 | Chelsea Kids | 6-1 | Midbrough | 23 January 2024 |
| 11 | ||||
| 12 | Chelsea Kids | 2-4 | Wolves Wandering | 4 February 2024 |
| 13 | Chelsea Kids | 3-2 | Oldcastle United | 11 March 2024 |
| 14 | Chelsea Kids | 4-2 | Lesstard City | 17 March 2024 |
| 15 | Chelsea Kids | 2-2 | Brexit Burnley | 30 March 2024 |
| 16 | ||||
| 17 | Chelsea Kids | 4-3 | Banchester United | 4 April 2024 |
| 18 | ||||
| 19 | ||||
| 20 | Chelsea Kids | 6-0 | B-Tech Liverpoo | 15 April 2024 |
| 21 | ||||
| 22 | ||||
| 23 | ||||
| 24 | Chelsea Kids | 5-0 | East Ham | 5 May 2024 |
| 25 | Brighton and Homo Albinos | 1-2 | Chelsea Kids | 15 May 2024 |
| 26 | Wolves Wandering | 2-6 | Chelsea Kids | 25 August 2024 |
International[edit | edit source]
| No. | Home team | Score | Away team | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | It's Not Coming Home | 3-0 | Bosnia or Boston? | 3 June 2024 |
| 2 | 2-1 | It's Not Coming Home | 14 July 2024 |