José Sócrates

When granted his powers, José Sócrates was branded for life.

For the Brazilian ancient philosopher, see Socrates. Duh.

José "The Engineer" Sócrates, Socras, Socas or Sapo Cocas (1957-present) is a superhero who sold his soul to Satan. He has silver hair and sometimes, a big nose. And he's the Chief Executive Officer of Portugal (Where he feeds from the homeless and sacrifices Zé Povinho to Darth Vader). He has got the honor and the humiliation of being the most satirized person in Gato Fedorento. Sócrates I was the last emperor of the Portugeese Empire, from 2005 to 2011. During this period, he and his friend António Costa fought in the Magalhães Wars and defeated king Jorge Mendes and his dog Max in the Pingo Doce Battle, in 2008.

“I have a son called Magalhães”

~ José Sócrates at the maternity Alfredo da Costa

“Awesome, dude, awesome”

~ José Sócrates moments after signing the European Treaty of Lisbon (True fact...)

“Porreiro pá”

~ José Sócrates first words as Emperor

Early life

Sócrates was born in Funchal, and in that day Satan visited young Jose's parents. He told them that if they handed him the soul of their son, he will grant him magical powers (you know, like the witches who were burned). As Jose's parents were poor and had no sense of humour, they thought that was supposed to be funny and agreed.

Satan gave José magical powers. This gave him the right of studying in Hogwarts, the wizardry school. This would have made him the second Lord Voldemort, if the Sorting Hat, who couldn't decide in which house to put Jose (Slytherin or Slytherin?), had not send him to another wizardry school, The Independent Hogwarts (Hogwarts Independente).

Young Sócrates went to this wizardry school, proper for people like burglars, bastards and thieves who wanted to go into politics. This school was famous for being the only school to give diplomas on Sundays in Socrates's time, and to erase the teachers' memories so they don't remember which students frequented their classes. Sócrates was not able to complete his master's degree however, as PCP's new laws deemed private schools evil reactionary institutions, forcing the school to close.

Magalhães, the supercomputer invented by Sócrates. Only 3 units were produced, 1 for Socas himself, 1 for António Costa and 1 for NASA. NASA later used this computer in the Apollo 11 mission, with Neil Armstrong reportedly being a big fan of SuperTux.

Superpowers

Socrates has many superpowers, the greatest ones being his super-speed (affording him the world record of fastest engineering degree, which he completed in less than 3 minutes) and his ability to create diplomas at will. He has also the power of annoying God to the point that He gives up. Many see him Portugal's a more handsome and demonic version George Clooney. He also possesses the mighty power of Magalhães, the awesome 8-bit computer designed for children (and by children). This supercomputer was able to calculate Portugal's budget deficit in just 2.13 seconds and is still widely regarded as the best computer to have ever existed. Unfortunately, all units were destroyed by the Passos Coelho army during the Magalhães Wars.

José "The Engineer" Sócrates is the only true ruler of the European Union because he was the official MC of the music festival known as Treaty of Lisbon.

Weakness

Let's face it. José Sócrates eats kryptonite for breakfast. However, he has some flaws, for example his bad memory. Whenever he makes a decision, he then forgets it and does something completely different.

He also has a compulsive tendency to buy flowery dresses.

Emperor

Sócrates testing military equipment that would later be used in the Magalhães Wars.

Accession of Socrates I

After Cavaco Silva died in 2002, Sócrates was effectively sole ruler of the Portugeese Empire. The formalities of the position would follow. The senate would soon grant him the name Socas and the title imperator, and he would soon be formally elected as pontifex maximus, chief priest of the official cults. Sócrates, with his preference for the trafulha life, found the imperial office unappealing.

Early Rule

Soon after the emperor's accession, Jorge Mendes and his dog Max, alongside Passos Coelho, tried to invade the Portuguese Empire. They first invaded Freixo de Espada à Cinta (Sword Ash with Strap), however, no one really noticed it as they were too busy getting used to the new spelling agreement.

Sócrates and his army only realized that they were being invaded after 15 days. The first battle between the two forces was supposed to take place in Trancoso, however, no one showed up because they didn't know how to get there.

Pingo Doce Battle

The Magalhães Wars ended with the legendary Pingo Doce Battle, which took place on 31 July 2008. Sócrates used the extreme computing power of his supercomputer Magalhães to defeat king Jorge Mendes.

In memory of those who died in this battle, a supermarket chain called Pingo Doce (Sweet Drop (Drop, as in a liquid's drop, not candy drops, which is widely regarded as kind-of weird)) was created.