F.C Porto
| Founded | Sadly |
| Short Name(s) | Porco,Putedo, Andrades, Focul |
| Arena/Stadium | Estadio do Ladrão |
| Capacity | 30,000 Corrupt Politicians |
| Head Coach | Sergio Cãoceição |
| President | Portuguese Osama bin Laden |
Futebol Clube do Porto commonly known as (F)utebol (C)orrupto e (P)remeditado, Futebol Clube do Porco, or simply Putedo is a bribery scheme ran in north Portugal. They are known to give the best bribes in all of Portuguese sports. They have won 30 league titles (3 legitimate ones 27 using bribery) and are the main rivals of S.L. Benfica and Sporting CP. Once they realized they could no longer bribe the red light district folks and tourists, they turned to making a football club as a way to possibly cover up their bribery.
"History"[edit | edit source]
Focul was founded around the 1500's when bribery was founded. They first started small bribing your local politicians, school board members, and crossing guards to let them cross first. After this they expanded into bigger and better things. Once they became experts at the envelope exchange, they decided to start a football club. Not much success was had early on as they used most of their money getting fat by buying pasties de belem and drinking their money away. However, after they sobered up, they decided to start buying players to actually play the game and not just hand envelopes filled with euros inside. Porco would revolutionize the game by introducing what was and still is called the "Porto pass". It consists of handing the official money before the game to which all the match official would need to do is any time a Putedo player would get inside the penalty box he would need to blow his whistle and say "penalty para o Porto"! This would then give the Porto player a penalty kick even if no one was around him at the time. Porto would go on to "win" 27 of their 30 claimed titles this way once even having 259 goals scored in a league season 258 of them coming on penalties and 1 coming from a own goal against their B team Portimonense. 2022 would be a slow start for Focul losing to Rio Ave away. Sergio Cãoceição would say this was due to Porto not having the mailing address for Rio Ave. Porto would then lose 4 (four) nil to Club Brugge. As bribery is illegal in Belgium, Focul was unable to "convince" the officials.
Former Players[edit | edit source]
Art Deco:Now an agent for players. In typical Porco fashion he was fouled the most of any player one year in the Champions League en route for Porto to "win" the competition.
Pepé Le Pew: Portuguese with a French ass sounding name where is he even from?! Still plays and even plays for the national team at an astounding 385 years old.
Louis Dish: Sold to Liverpool in the 21/22 season the rats do normally get out first before the ship sinks so this checks out.
Hulk no Smash: He's called Hulk for fucks sake he doesn't do much but get lucky and score some cheap ass stat padding goals.
Penie Penremi: Focul's most famous diver. Dives for the swim team and the football team. Goes down easier than a smooth drink.
Estadio do Ladrão[edit | edit source]
Built sometime around the war its original use was to teach soldiers diving and swimming techniques to survive. It was the biggest training pool in Europe until Camp Nou was built. After the war Porco bought the stadium to use for their football team. Using this stadium the team perfected the dive and were one of the first teams to use diving in the game of football to their advantage. To this day the stadium has been known to hold the yearly biggest televised diving event called O Clássico. In this event no less than 18 Focul players will dive atleast 5 times with each dive being awarded points. Porto to this day are undefeated at diving in their home stadium due to their training and familiarity with the craft. The record set is 598 single dives in 2021 in a 158 minute match (Porto were losing 3-2 and magically there was 68 minutes of added time. They went on to win 4-3.)
Portuguese Osama Bin Laden Street Name Jorge Nuno Pinto da Costa[edit | edit source]
Jorge Nuno Pinto da Costa Portuguese translation:Ladrão corrupto filho da puta Arabic translation: أسامة بن لادن Was born in a brothel in Porto in 1499. He started his life wandering from house to house looking for table scraps to eat and a pot to piss in. He was adopted by a family from Porto who taught him from a young age that money can't buy everything. He used these wise words all through his young life up to the age of 18 when one day he bought a lottery ticket and won 10 euros. He then purchased a skank on the corner one night with his winnings and even got change back. He then realized that in fact money can buy anything he wants. He saved and saved up for his biggest purchase the bribing of his local crossing guard. See Jorge was always waiting behind kids waiting to cross the street at a young age so he decided to grease the crossing guard's pocket with a nice crisp 5 euro note. This then let him cut all the kids in line waiting to cross. He then would go on to bribe other sites around Porto. FC Porco took notes of this and decided to make him president going on record saying "he is just what we are looking for he's the perfect bastard really". He was officially nominated president on May 2, 1808. The day Portugal went to war VS Spain.This prick was so hated his entire country went to war vs someone else in the hopes they would be controlled by Spain just so he wouldn't be their problem anymore.
Apito Dourado (Golden Whistle)[edit | edit source]
Porto fell on hard times in 2004 and as such had to get more bold with their "gift giving". As such, bribes to league officials were handed out not in hands but by the truck load. The trucks were rumored to have "Property of Benfica" on the trucks to try and put the blame on Benfica for bribing the officials. The authorities caught on to the fact that Benfica were not the ones handing the bribes out because the trucks were painted blue not red. Normally the league would let this slide as they are a thieving bunch however, it was getting so bold that teams like Real Madrid and Barcelona tried to join the Portuguese league. Finally even though the pockets of the league officials were being greesed, they finally said lets punish the pricks finally. So they did. By docking points that wouldn't matter then overruling the verdict years later. Teams like Boavista who we not near as guilty were hit with bigger penalties such as relegation yet Porto got a few fines and a don't do it again. Porto then bribbed the league officials many years later to have the original verdict overturned and their points restored making this whole thing basically a show with no result. Because of this Porto now still use bribery in the league to this day.