American English

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~ Oscar Wilde on an American trying to speak

Amerikaans, better known as Americaneese, Amurican or verbal farting, is the principle (previous word presumably written by someone from the USA) language spoken in the United States of America and her incontinent little sister Canada. American English is not to be confused with Antarctic English, which can only be translated by snowmen.

It is estimated by the Bureau of Utter Bullshit that American English will be replaced by Spanish sometime before 1986.

A User's Guide to American English[edit | edit source]

The funny thing about American English is that most words are actually spelled correctly, but are just pronounced in a retarded manner. For example ham as haaaaaaymm, socks as saaarcks, window as weeeeeyndark and chips as chipes.

If you are cornered by wild Americans, who are demanding you say something in their strange, esoteric language, DO NOT PANIC! Just adopt a comedy American accent, the kind you may have seen in sitcoms and suchlike, and use the word 'boy' after every sentence and confirm everything with 'yeah' and 'sure thing' instead of 'yes' and 'of course'. Unless TV and films have lied to me, this will fool even the most American of Americans. And they're pretty damned American. Take it from me.

If you really want to sound like an American when you speak, then pronounce -a as uh, and -er as er, for example, don't say Americker, Africker, or Chiner. Don't pronounce Korea as career. Also, don't say proppa when you mean proper, wahtuh when you mean water, and heatuh when you mean heater. When speaking to Americans, you must be aware of their primitive diction. In the American education system it is very taboo to actually teach anything worth learning and instead try to prepare students for very standard and very simple SAT Reasoning Test (formerly Scholastic Aptitude Test and Scholastic Assessment Test, pronounced as three separate letters). This has made American English nearly rely on the mindless babble of greater speakers of English, such as, the English. In short, no words that contain more than two syllables should be expected to be understood. This includes the word "American" which has four syllables, so don't try to explain to an American what it is to be an American; the word is too long and will confuse them.

How to write in American English[edit | edit source]

If you're American: do whatever comes naturally. If you're not: there are two rules to writing American, one applies in the north and both apply in the south.

The first rule to writing American is simple; write in normal English, just miss out some of the vowels. You can easily check yourself. If 50% of the letters are missing from your sentence, then you are in the clear. (ie I like those doughnoughts. They are my favourite. vs. I like em donuts my favrit!) The second rule of writing American is not so simple for the educated, thankfully it only applies to southern Americans.

If the Americans reply to your writing with the American Phrase "Ain't Savvy'd" you may be talking to a Southerner. In this case, normal English has been so far distorted with apostrophes you will have to employ your imagination to write in an understandable way to these Southern Americans. The imagination is something of a God to Southerners and is prominent in their English. To master this distorted way of writing you simply must let go of any extra letters or syllables you thought were silly to have before you graduated from high school. It may be hard to forget your basic schooling; but southerners have been doing it for generations. Here is an example of a sentence that has been made distorted by American Pride. "I don' gon to Bill's and 'em 'er' makin' fun a' Sarah Palin, i dun get comp'ell'd to 'ell 'em 'ya'll're mean!'" The original sentence was: "I went to Bill's house and they were making fun of our mistress; I was then brought to the compelling decision to let them know that they were, in fact, being unfair to her." Did you catch all the imagination that was contained in that southerner's speech? If you would take the time to imagine these people being profound you would find that they are profound in their own imaginative way!

History[edit | edit source]

Puritans' progress, or lack thereof[edit | edit source]

The history of American English (also commonly known as ‘gimped English’ or ‘dumb English’) goes back to the Puritans in England during the 17th Century.

In school, Puritans were often bullied for their uncommon dyslexia, unique in that not only could they not spell words properly such as ‘mum’ as ‘mom’, ‘colour’ as ‘color’ or just fucking up completely by mistaking ‘biscuits’ for ‘crackers’ (now also a symbolic word used in American politics) but also in that they could not pronounce these words correctly, instead using a high pitched squeal like a gerbil with a rocket shoved up its arse.

Because of this not only did usual folk in the playground revert to ‘taking the piss’ out of them, but so did other more common dyslexics.

In a last ditch attempt to hold their proud identity (their mummies told them they were ‘special’) they fled England and arrived in a giant country they later named America – named so it was easy to remember and say by any linguistic trait. They naturally named themselves Americans to disguise themselves from being pilgrims (in which case they weren’t that proud), naturally.

Knocked by the natives[edit | edit source]

The newly founded Americans wanted to spread their new culture (they were quite proud) in order to show the English that they were the minority so they dropped by their next-door neighbours the ‘Natives’. The natives disagreed with changing their language and dialect and reverted to bullying the Americans also.

The Americans, now with no newly founded land to move to next, decided upon themselves to invade the Natives. However, they soon grew tired of waiting for them to regroup in base and pick a new leader every time the current one was shot, so instead resorted to the more subtle approach of stealing the Natives' babies, raising them on American culture and sending them off to fight their parents.

Beating the Brits[edit | edit source]

Years later the Americans still never forgot their grudge with England (a common trait of an American is to hold onto a grudge rather than accept that shit happens) and created the make believe ‘war of independence’ and shared the story to fellow countries.

The story turned into a game of Chinese whispers in that by the time it came back to England, England had won the war they didn’t even know squat about (much in the same way America later LOST a war with Vietnams rebals and ran away so fast they had to dump half their helicopters and sold the rest for 1 dollar a piece).

TV, yet not TV[edit | edit source]

Still diligent to get the one up on England they came with the cunning trick of creating American television shows littered with American abbreviations and colloquial language specifically to change the English language on its own turf. America boycott the popular youth television station ‘Channel Four’ for its up-from-under approach. Early attempts were unsuccessful including ‘Cheers’ and ‘Roxanne’, foiled by shows such as ‘Monty Python’ and ‘The Young Ones’, but the Americans came to a revelation with the hit show ‘Friends’ with the trend setting ‘like’ colloquial setting. Ever since everyone on both sides of the Atlantic have been like this and like that and like everything.

England, like, fought back with shows such as ‘The Office’ and ‘Top Gear’ but America had, like, a contingency plan that instead of investing in shows that were unlikely to beat such original talent they bought the rights to American adaptations.

These were heavily marketed and advertised to mystify people of any knowledge of the English originals.

Another cunning trick sought to ‘one up over the English’ was to include them as bad guys on every highly prolific movie on the planet. Most notable English actors as bad guy roles include Schindler’s List, Raiders of the Lost Arc and Star Wars.

Europe, seeing the English as bad guys so many times, has since parted leaving the country at the mercy of America.

The English, now forced to watch friends on a daily, morning basis, resume with continuously more American-English culture as the years go by.

Other stuff[edit | edit source]

Most have resorted to alcohol, the government lowering the minimum age to 18 to allow as many as possible to drown out any knowledge they are forced ‘allies’ of the US although most parents allow their children to drink much earlier.

If you ask an English person if they have anything to do with America they will strongly deny it, unless their surnames are ‘Thatcher’ or ‘Blair’.

‘Proper English’ is now as alive as Latin, the dodo or Steven Guttenberg’s career. American English continues to dominate the rest of the world.

Dialects[edit | edit source]

It is worth noting that several dialects of American English exist:

  • Redneck: spoken by NASCAR fans, trailer trash, and country music singers
  • Southern Drawl: closely related to Redneck, but sounds slightly more mentally challenged
  • New England Nasal: a droning and painful dialect spoken by members of the Kennedy family
  • Idiot Surfer Dude: spoken by all residents of California dude, plus dudes in Oregon and Washington, and those dudes Bill and Ted dude ... awwwwwwwsum duuuuuuude!
  • Canadianeese: spoken by Canadians and those banished to Canada's southern colonies (Minnesota and Wisconsin)
  • Neuw Yawk: the tongue used by residents of New York City (and Little New York City (e.g. the state of Joisey)): notable for its high volume and vast repertoire of swear words
  • Phillyspeak: The dialect of people from Philadelphia, the only city where it's possible to order a hoagie wit a glass of wooder while watching the "Iggles". Also spoken in Delaware and New Jersey, this slower categorically New York dialect shows that immigrants in Philly were less hooked-on-phonics on their way to learning the English language.
  • Burgheese: Said by linguists to be a probable offshoot of Phillyspeak, with slight modifications: speakers instead eat their hoagies (pronounced oh-ghees) with "Miragle Whip" while "thur dahntahn with yinz" to see "dem Stillers" play.
  • Busheese: closely related to 'baby talk', and spoken exclusively by George W. Bush: it is totally unintelligible to anyone else.
  • Flatbiller: The common dialect for people living in the 909 area of southern California. Sounds like a surfer dude + Ebonics and replacing dude with bro all the time. It is a dialect of chavvish, which occurred when the English pot noodle famine of 1998 occurred. Common phrases include: "SHEEEET BRO, THAT WAS FUCKIN EXTREME BRO, LETS GO AND FUCKING SMOKE WEED BRO!!!!!!!"
  • Singlish: The common and (maybe) the only dialect that Singapore and Malaysia use. The sentences often ended with 'lah' and are mixed with Malay words. Ex: 'Malaysia is the best di dunia, lah...' and 'Lets go shopping in Singapore, pasti have fun, lah...'
  • Fucking Retarded: Any American who pronounces the second "a" in caramel or thinks tomato is tomahto
  • Ghetto: People who use word like ghetto, "dat" instead of that, "bitch" instead of repectable female companion, "kush" instead of marijuana, "nigga" instead of friend/enemy/person they dont know. Another trait of the ghetto dialect is generally slurring every word that is said (generally from all the pot the people who use it smoke). Ghetto can be written down on buildings in bad parts of towns using spray paint late at night. People who use this dialect are generally black, spics, or white guys who wear baggy clothes and wish they were black. These are called "Wiggers", or "White Niggers".

See also[edit | edit source]