Osaka bin Laden

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Osaka bin Laden, tsunami terrorist.

“Who the hell is--oh, jeez, Osaka...”

~ George H. W. Bush on seeing Osaka bin Laden's plumber's ass during the latter's toilet flushing experiments while roommates in college

“I told him, I'm Batman, and he splashed me in the pool.”

~ Batman on Osaka bin Laden

The Asian supervillain responsible for the December 26, 2004 terrorist tsunami attacks, Osaka bin Laden escaped law enforcement authorities and went into hiding in 2005. Reports currently place him somewhere in Micronesia.

Osaka bin Laden has also been blamed for the 1993 Okushiri tsunami, and the 1979 Tumaco tsunami. His suspected involvement in the 1964 Good Friday tsunami that killed 121 people along the Pacific Northwest coastline in North America is thought to have been a college prank. He is an avowed anti-particle, glassnivore, and Cartheginian.

Worst Terrorist Attack in History

Aftermath: a lone soul waits in his chair for the TV to come back on.

Calculated to do the most harm to the overpopulated and poor states bordering the Indian Ocean, Osaka bin Laden's purpose was to engage the United Nations disaster relief in an impossibly vast effort, thereby bankrupting the G8 nations.

The 9.15 magnitude earthquake initiated by Osaka's feeling the power of the dark side created tsunami waves that killed approximately 230,000 people. Indonesia was the hardest hit, with 168,000 victims. While bin Laden's effect exceeded his wildest imaginings, his timing was poor: the G8 nations had just spent their money on Christmas gifts and didn't have anything in the kitty for disaster relief. Also, Mike Brown of FEMA was the behind-the-scenes field marshall so nothing got done.

Portrait of a Bearded Man

Few details are known about Osaka bin Laden before his entry into MIT in the mid-60s. There he studied turbulence and plate tectonics, and later assisted Lorenz in the development of chaos theory and strange attractors. By 1970 bin Laden was ready to publish his controversial but well-researched thesis, Modern Toilets and Deterministic, Non-periodic Flow. For this, he was expelled.

The Jig Is Up: Osaka surrenders to Batman, but the victory is shortlived.

Angered by this rejection, Osaka turned to a life of crime and revenge. Using his mathematical and applied knowledge, he began to make small tsunamis in fishtanks, then gradually worked up to lakes and then oceans.

To date, no evidence of any romantic encounters have surfaced, though Aquaman has been rumored to be impressed.

Capture and Escape

Subject of an international manhunt, bin Laden was cornered by Batman in 2005 at a playoff soccer game in South Korea while trying to eat some glass. While the midnight knight was able to extradite Osaka for UN trial, the wily Osaka tricked him on the plane by splashing gray water into his eyes, then escaping by parachute.

See also