“People think that moose are really gentle and goofy but they aren't; they're fucking animals!”
“A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a death sentence behind it.”
Killer moose roam forests and woodland across the world. They're more dangerous than great white sharks, more lethal than Britney with a baseball bat and more evil than Voldemort. The sight of their fangs will make grown men cry. One look in their red eyes will make politicians tell the truth. The power of the killer moose is awe-inspiring. And they have extraordinarily fluffy fur.
The killer moose was designed by Adolf Hitler and genetically engineered as a new execution tool. He created many hundreds in his attempts to invade Russia and was in fact so happy about his new furry friends that he married one. Not all were impressed with the invention of the killer moose and after Hitler's "death" a killer moose hunt began, courtesy of Rambo. After a week all had gone.
Several years later, one Mr. Homer Simpson recreated them in Springfield when a freak nuclear explosion occurred in the Moose Bar, situated just next to Moes Bar. Simpson was attacked by the killer moose and sadly died from his injuries. One eye-witness claims that with his final breath, Simpson said "...Mmmmmmm donuts...". This has yet to be verified.
What to do when a killer moose sees you
There is no clear evidence of what to do when one becomes the prey of a killer moose. This is primarily because anyone who has ever seen one has been mauled and eaten. The only advice to be offered would be to run. Very very fast. If possible, climb a tree. Killer moose cannot climb trees...very easily.
NOTE: Because it is widely known that killer moose cannot climb trees...very easily, and because killer meese read campsite news bulletins, the killer meese have seized upon a new tactic for hunting their prey. They now purposely climb trees in campgrounds and lay in wait for unwitting campers on their way to the kybo at night. (killer tree moose are nocturnal) Children are apparently the only ones aware of this fact, as they continually shine their flashlights into the trees looking for killer tree moose.
The only way to stop a killer tree moose attack is to speak the secret password, and make the secret sign. This involves putting the thumbs of each hand in your anus, wiggling the fingers in the anus and repeating the secret incantation, "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass!" This must be done quickly. Many a camper has been mown down by a killer moose after uttering only "Hey Rock........" which leads witnesses to believe they were struck by a meteorite instead of a charging bull killer moose.
Killer Moose Industries
The killer moose industry has become one of the largest in the world, perhaps even larger than McDonalds, Christmas and Emo music. There are many uses for killer moose products, particularly the faeces. This is harvested twice daily by homosexual elves in jumpsuits and sold on to companies worldwide. Some of these uses are as follows:
1. It can be finely ground into a white powder, sometimes known as 'Moose snow', and sold in fancy dress shops as fake dandruff.
2. In this ground state it can also be liberally sprinkled over fairy cakes as a cheaper alternative to icing sugar. The 'Moose snow' has a tangy taste and will sometimes have a laxative effect after excessive use.
3. Killer moose faeces has medicinal qualities and can be used to treat facial acne. However in some tests, the excrement was found to be slightly alcoholic and intoxicated many patients. This explains the origin of the term "shit-faced".
The killer moose has proved to be a popular creature to base movies on. Here follows a list of the most popular and well-known:
Me, Myself and the Killer Moose
My Life as a Killer Moose
A Killer Moose in New York
The Killer Moose Strikes Back
Harry Potter and the Killer Moose from Azkaban
Not Another Killer Moose Movie!
Killer Moose on a Plane
Silence of the Killer Moose
Lord Of The Killer Moose: The Fellowship of the Moose
Lord Of The Killer Moose: The Two Meese
Lord Of The Killer Moose: The Return of the moose
Paranormal Moose 2
Paranormal Moose 3
Batman: The Dark Killer Moose
This Is Spinal Killer Tap Moose
Jurassic Killer Moose
The Lost World: Killer Moose