UnNews:Kennedy has been shot

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 July 2008

Who'd wanna kill him? He's a nice dude!

JACKSON, Mississippi - Hey guys, I was reading this newspaper earlier, and it said President John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas at around 12:30 (CST). It says he died, too. This sucks!

So, then I started researching online for more information about it. Damn the Internet has a lot of stuff. Google came up with about 16 million for John F. Kennedy. Well, that's nothing compared to the 106 million for Britney Spears, but come on, 16 million results is still a lot of results. Heath Ledger only has 12 million results. He's a pretty popular actor, too, especially after his kick ass performance as The Joker in the new Batman movie. I think he's really going places.

Anyway, it turns out, the guy who shot him, Lee something, already is dead, too. He got shot after the police arrested him. Some Jack Ruby guy shot and killed him on live T.V.. I can't believe it! I'm glad the guy killed the bastard! Kennedy was cool. He improved our space program and all that good stuff.

Anyway, it's kind of hard to believe, isn't it? Our president... was killed by some random guy. Where was his protection? Isn't the job of the Secret Service or whatever to take bullets and stuff for the President? Where were they at? How come the police weren't protecting him, either? The President, the most guarded man on Earth, killed. Scary, uh? He got shot driving through a damn park. A PARK! Plus, apparently there's another shooter out there, too. Some people are saying they saw a second shot from the grassy knoll. The police aren't even looking for another shooter. Fucked up, ain't it?

I guess it's making me rethink life. It's like, no one cares that our president got killed, so who cares if I die, you know? Someone could just come up in my house and shoot me, and I wouldn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my family or anyone. I hope when I die it'll be on the news or something, instead of just a really short article in a really obscure newspaper or some website no one ever goes on. Damn... Who's gonna run our country and all that, now?

Oh shit! It says on the same website his brother got shot, too!

Sources

• Jimmy Slutz "Kennedy shot!" Obscure News (News No One Cares About), November 25, 1963