UnNews:Sloopy can't hang on any longer, lets go

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23 September 2007

A photograph of the crime scene taken by a police helicopter a few hours after Sloopy's death.

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Tragedy befell the country of America yesterday when Sloopy lost his grip and fell to his death. This shocked millions of his admirers, who never expected that he would let go. When interviewed after Sloopy's fall, Wes Farrell, an old fan, was quoted saying, "For over 40 years, everyone has been telling him to hang on, and for over 40 years, he has listened. Why now did he let go? He let me down, and he let all of America down. I just don't know what to believe anymore."

Farrell's viewpoint is not shared by most of Sloopy's other fans, who still view Sloopy as a hero and role model. Another more loyal fan of Sloopy's, Oscar Wilde, was quoted as saying, "I know that my fellow fans and I will all agree that this is one of the greatest tragedies of our lifetimes. Sloopy was a hero to us all, and he will always be in our hearts. His impact on the world was truly great, and we will miss him dearly."

Sloopy was first discovered dead at 2:35 pm on September 22 near Horseshoe Stadium by 8 year old girl Tina H. Hotchkins, who was coming by to check on Sloopy and tell him to hang on. She immediately called 911 and gave Sloopy CPR and mouth to mouth for 5 minutes until paramedics arrived on the scene. Doctor Tom Sawyer pronounced Sloopy dead at the hospital at 2:46 PM. He later told the press, "I had never seen anything so yucky. He was all flat and stuck to the sidewalk. There was red goo all around his body, and he had these white sticks of all different shapes sticking out of his body. He also wasn't moving or saying anything, so I guess he was dead."

Famed reporter and investigator Ron Burgundy arrived at the scene shortly after the paramedics to interview Hotchkins. Young Tina recounted the events for Burgundy: "I was walking by to tell Sloopy to hang on, and bring him some dandelions that I picked from my back yard. I remember it was about 2:30 because I had just left my best friend Jill's house after we watched Saw 3. Anyway, Jill's mommy made me some Jell-o cubes to give to Sloopy along with the dandelions that I got for him. The second I saw Sloopy's mangled and disfigured corpse on the ground I totally shit my pants and fucking screamed my lungs off. I called the cops as quickly as I could, and I remembered how to give CPR from health class, so I was giving him fucking life support for what felt like a million zillion hours until the police and paramedics finally came. I was just so stunned that Sloopy would let go. He had been holding on for like a billion years, and I don't think there is any reason that he would have just let go. My daddy makes my big brother Steven touch me in places that make me uncomfortable. It makes me cry every time he does it. Please help me."

What Hotchkins said made Burgundy feel that he had a case on his hands. She had said she couldn't understand why Sloopy would just let go, so Burgundy felt there might have been murder afoot. Burgundy so far doesn't have any leads as to who may have killed Sloopy. Last night, Burgundy stated, "I don't know what kind of sick bastard would murder someone viewed so highly in the public eye, but I will do everything possible to bring them to justice. Rest well, my fellow Americans, Ron Burgundy is on the case. You're a dirty bitch, America."

Sources

• Evelyn, the Modified Dog "Believers in reincarnation hope for Sloopy seconds" Newsweek, September 24, 2001