UnVoyage:Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
“Well, all I know is what I read in the papers and that this place is miserable.”
“The word "unblowuppable" is thrown around a lot these days...”
“If you want to move here, you might be a redneck.”
Oklahoma City is the capital of Oklahoma, arguably part of Kansas. It has an illustrious history of corruption, more gas stations than any city in the country, and fewer teeth per capita than any city in North America. Known as "the City" by local hipsters, Oklahoma City laughs in the face of public transportation, and has embarked on an impressive modernization program by paving over all things natural.
Oklahoma City size
About the same size as the moon.
Oklahoma City Innovations
Although it is widely believed that lawn parking was invented in rural Los Angeles, the act of parking on one's lawn is distinctly Oklahoman in origin. In fact, city law requires that all city workers and members of fraternal orders park in lawns and the city operates three downtown lawn parking garages equipped with Astroturf.
Oklahoma City has pioneered the up and coming community detachment from reality, or as Oklahomans call it, putting our heads together and not letting go. Within only the last 10 years, Oklahoma City has persuaded itself not only that it has a thriving downtown district, but that it has an Asian district too. Although any sort of sanctioned ethnic partitioning would be illegal, no legal challenges have come up because the presence of minorities in Oklahoma City is strictly fictional.
Not satisfied to be just any city, Oklahoma City decided to create its own river and gave it the creative moniker "The Oklahoma River". Determined to not be just another San Antonio, the city engineer and scientist (that guy with the calculator) are exploring on new twists such as adding water, maybe a dock, and a venue for public hangings.
After calling for the destruction of New Orleans during Sunday services, the Oklahoma City Church deacons stole their very own NBA team. The town elders are awash in delusions of grandeur and actually believe that the New Orleans Hornets will stay or that the Seattle Supersonics will come (because nobody really wants to relocate their NBA team to Las Vegas). However, the team will soon run away to Texas like all other slaves sold to work in Oklahoma.
The Oklahoma City Bombers are an explosive football team, whose quarterback throws deep bombs into the end zone, although these ultimately just blow up in their faces. They suck, arena football won't stay around for very long. And now it's gone.
The Oklahoma City RedHawks (formerly the '89ers, RedNecks, RedSkins and Niggers) are a minor league baseball team. They suck. The Bricktown stadium is nothing but a pile of shit bricks.
The Seattle Zombie Sonics are now their NBA franchise. They suck. Terribly. The Oklahoma City Cavalry in the 1990's ABA was real basketball.
The Oklahoma City Blazers ice hockey team. They suck. Move the team to Canada. The large Mexican population wants to get "ChivasUSA futbol" (soccer) to play there.
According to the Oklahoma City Chamber of Dealin'n'Sellin, Oklahoma City's largest economic sectors are:
- Unemployment, 632,200 people.
- Bus service to Texas, 233,210 people.
- Evangelical Preaching and Savin' Souls, 43,213 people.
- Mathis Brothers Furniture, 7,225 people.
- Farms, 4,387.67 repeating people.
- Registered Democrats, 1,000 out of 1,000,000 people.
- Train service to Texas (the only place the trains run to from Oklahoma), 253 people.
- Political wheeling and dealing, 174 people.
- Extortion of Arkansas, 5 people.
- People who never inbred with family members, 3 people.
- Jews, 2 people.
- High Technology, 1 person.
- Being Successful, The Flaming Lips.
- "High" Technology- number unknown due to a severe inability to actually slow down any of the mobile meth labs.
- Hobos on the I-35 on-ramp holding signs that read "Anywhere But Here", 3-7 people at any given time.
- Meth, 5.3 million people (recent efforts by "law enforcement" have dropped the number from one that was nearly double the population of the state itself).
- OK City is a dry county, but a trillion tons of moonshine is made by bootleggers and Baptists.
The Daniel Wojciechowski resides in Oklahoma City.
Travel and Tourism
Destinations and Detractions
Oklahoma City is home to a great number of attractions designed to lure tourists and hold them for ransom. Unfortunately for its own economy, and fortunately for the rest of the world, only locals ever visit any of these tourist traps. Some highlights are:
- a bunch of hoes.
- Liquor stores. You can stop and ask nearly anyone for directions.
- The Oklahoma City National Memorial, which pays honor to those who died in the 1990-something Oklahoma City Federal building bombing. Visiting hours start at 9 and closing time depends on local happy hour specials.
- Bricktown, the city council's attempt to put a "City" in "Oklahoma City". Bricktown is at home to at least two and at most three bad restaurants and at least as many panhandlers (who may or may not own those restaurants). According to the Chamber of Commerce, this is not a gang hangout.
- The Bricktown Canal, a drainage ditch with no outlet, so they put a boat in it and charge for rides. (No relation to its original design in San Antonio).
- The National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum is by far Oklahoma's most elite and only museum, with its ambiance of a Reagan living room on a Motel 6 budget.
- The I-35 on-ramp leading out of the city is by far the most attractive destination in Oklahoma City.
- The Oklahoma City Zoo is a nice destination because it is the only zoo in the world to have the mullet haircut on all of the animals.
- The University of Oklahoma's debate department is the home of Blake Johnson, who is the best person known to man. His pearl snap shirts, love of Elliot Smith, and unique ass holishness make him one of the most beloved features of Oklahoma. By winning several national tournaments, Blake has brought slightly more pride to the state. This pride was followed by a series of degrading jokes from Texas about how the only thing Oklahoma was good at, policy debate, was gay.
- Best view of the skyline- 30,000 feet above.
- Don't go, try Nutsawooska, Iowa.
- TBN-television headquarters, channel 17 tower can be seen from Tulsa.
- If you must go, bring lots of little trinkets to trade with the natives (most may be found at the Sonic trading post).
- Sonics? You mean the OKC Thunder? It's not real basketball.
- Do not feed the mullets.
- The area's red mud, if you're unfortunate enough to get it on you, may be removed from shoes by soaking for 3 months in nitric acid.
- Traffic violations in Oklahoma City are enforced by the Oklahoma City Nazi Police and can result in death.
- See the teepees and Wild West saloons that all East Coast residents believe still comprise much of the Oklahoma landscape at a nearby casino... if you can get out.
- Avoid Oklahoma at all costs if you are gay, black, female, Jewish, non-Baptist Christian, speak grammatically correct English (won't kill you, just won't understand you, which may lead to them wanting to kill you), Arab (locally known as "terrorists"), or any other type of minority, But if your Mexican you may live there but you must be in groups of no less than twenty per household.
- And for American Indians, Oklahoma City is your version of Mexico City (er, Los Angeles with its' Aztecs) and Quebec City (those Frenchies in Canada). Don't try to separate into a new country or the KKK will get you.
|American Old West|
|Transport & trails|