Tucson, Arizona

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Tucson Arizona

El Tucson
That's about it.
Flag of Tucson, Arizona.png
Etymology: From a Native American phrase which means "An enterprise of the Tohono O'Odham Nation"
"What are we doing in Tucson?", "The Moldy Pueblo",
Spare some change?
Founded onJanuary 5th, 1994
 • TypeAnarcho-Capitalism
 • TotalMore than seven

“Spare some change?”

– city motto

Tucson, Arizona, also known as the Moldy Pueblo or "Tucson" (often mispronounced Tusk-un) is the leading retirement and panhandling capital of the southwest. It is also known as "The Fan-Belt Capital of the World," and is widely acknowledged as the place where dreams go to die. A distant suburb of Los Angeles, the name "Tucson" is derived from a Native American phrase which means "An enterprise of the Tohono O'Odham Nation". Spanish traders established the city in 1776 after growing tired of dying their hair blond to fit in with Anglo-Saxon society. The official airport city code is "TUS" which probably explains why most of the world's population can't spell "Tucson" correctly. (Warning: Putting "TUC" on your baggage will cause it to be routed to Tucuman, Argentina). Tucson has recently gained international cachet after an obscure Korean car maker named a cheap SUV after it.

History[edit | edit source]

Tucson was originally founded as a place of strip malls, muffler shops and convenience stores. In an effort to preserve the unique architecture, new businesses have moved into the abandoned buildings and started up operation without remodeling. This gives the city character. When driving the 12 miles to Tucson's only freeway, you can experience the charm that Manuel, the Donkey Seller, must have experienced when he owned the car lot that is now a pottery yard.

The entire city (especially the old, original parts) was demolished during the late '60s and rebuilt.

Geography[edit | edit source]

Rio Nuevo Project[edit | edit source]

In 1667, Catholic explorers, along with predecessors of the Miami Dolphins, ate several doses of peyote cactus near the current site of the Tucson Convention Center. They envisioned the terrible 1970's architecture that now dominates the local skyline - enough to make any Reagan-era East German city proud. With this in mind, the Rio Nuevo project was born, sucking taxpayer funds toward the construction of stunning Foothills homes for the city's homosexual elite. Most of the world's gay porn is filmed here.

Rio Nuevo has since been renamed to something more anonymous, just to fuck you up.

Wildlife[edit | edit source]

Javelinas make great backyard pets and require little care as they feast on local stray cats and dogs.

Birds in Tucson are suicidal, and are often seen purposely flying into the windows of passing motorists. The extreme heat makes Tucson birds stupider. A 'special' bird that brings both delight and consternation is the Pygmy Owl. Once listed on the Endangered Species List, it is now merely threatened; mostly by the fact that it is so small that the 'cool' August air frequently ROASTS the bird while in flight as it has no place to stop, rest and cool off in the median of Thornydale Rd. This unfortunate situation has led to multiple stoppages of road work to widen this important route (see Transportation issues). Some people believe that the crappy 'buffalo' wings at some food establishments, may in fact be ROAST Pygmy Owl carcass! Tucson doves and quails are distant cousins of the penguin. They prefer to walk, rather than fly, a behavioral pattern learned from being close personal friends of local roadrunners. An (as yet unproved) hypothesis contends that they may also have witnessed the horrible results of bird flight (ROASTING in mid-air) demonstrated by Pygmy Owls!

Tucson Residents enjoy wildlife and, in particular, coyotes (the four legged kind). The residents are so kind to this species that they offer a daily menu of small furry animals posted on stop signs and telephone poles telling the coyotes where to find the next delicious small cat or dog. Nearby Sabino Canyon is home to packs of wild coyotes, often seen running off with young humans left unattended in their prams. Rather than feast on the tasty toddlers, the coyotes are thought to raise the young-uns as their own. Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather showcased two now-infamous instances of “Coyote napping” in the 1960s, in a now discredited news report titled "Peter Pan and The Lost Boys of Sabino Canyon."

The official state mascot is the CHIHUAHUA (pronounced cha-hoo-a-hoo-a), a breed of toy dog, descended from an ancient breed known as the Toltec Indians (or, to be politically correct, the "Toltec Native Mexicans") in the 9th century. Its chief characteristics are a well rounded head, a slightly arched neck, a level back, a moderately long tail, and a low price. The meat is tender and delicious, often served in food truck tacos. These traits have resulted in an animal which appears to be the unhappy accident of the genetic coupling between a meerkat and a less attractive sewer rat. Hispanic residents have been known to train these small dogs for cockfighting.

Meth Addicts are hard to catagorize as nocturnal, diurnal, or otherwise as their sleep patterns are erratic to non-existent. They do however become their most active at night roaming urban settings preying on unlocked cars and air conditioning units. They are a social creature living in cramped over-populated domiciles called "tweeker pads" These also serve as storage for the crates of stolen car stereos and electronics. They are known to approach normal society. It is common for a tweeker to "run out of gas", and need money to get to their Mother who is stranded in Phoenix. They are extremely paranoid that the government is chasing them so eradication is as simple as turning on a police scanner. Sir spare some change? The AMC television series The Walking Dead often recruts these people from Tucson as zombie extras. This has saved the production company millions of dollars by not having to put them through hair and make up. Just come as you are.

Climate[edit | edit source]

Since the 1960s, hundreds of asthma sufferers have sent their "sinuses to Arizona," only to find it is full of dust and pollen. After an unsuccessful class-action lawsuit against TV commercial producers for touting Tucson as the place to be, these health-challenged individuals decided to put up with the situation. They'd all sold their former homes anyway and had no place to move back to. In Tucson, it is common to see the sun shine at the same time you hear thunder, as God has a sense of humor. Although once considered a desert, the city is now lush with trees, grass and other pollen-producing flora, like cherry trees. Tucson's annual Cherry Blossom Festival and Beanfest is world-renowned.

Since Tucson is famous for its 563 days of sunshine annually, year-round residents who do not sport a sufficiently brown tan are clubbed to death like harp seals. These routine honor killings are perfectly legal and they have earned Tucson the fond nickname Little Canada. The term "dry heat," referring to the Tucson climate, is only used by people who have never been to Tucson in the summer. An acceptable response to this comment is "Stick your head in an oven, that's dry heat too. During the summer months (all 10 of them), operating a vehicle without oven mitts is a class-one misdemeanor, and will often cause a police officer to issue a breath test to the driver. "Selling two-handled water fixtures to Tucsonans is like selling refrigerators to Eskimos.

Despite the popular belief, there IS something wrong with the water. It causes intense hallucinations that focus on past-life regressions, karma and the beauty of the city. The water is the reason that Tucson has not been abandoned by its people yet. What a hoot!" exclaimed a representative from Delta Faucet Company, noting that only hot water often comes out of Old Pueblo bath spouts, even when marked "cold." Tucson area rivers host numerous water sports activities throughout the year. During summer rains the elusive Sonoran Desert Salmon make an impressive appearance. Winter on the desert can be bitterly cold resulting in ice buildup in area waterways.

April in Tucson is often graced with blue snow. If you make a snowcone out of it, you will go blind. Some people believe the blue snow is actually toilet ice from Davis Monthan AFB airplanes.

The warmest month of the year is August, when southerly winds blow across the lake of fire and cool the city down. These winds - which can gust to speeds in excess of 130 mph - carry large amounts of hot ash from the sulfur pits located south of the city. The ash subsequently floats down at varying intervals throughout the day in what is referred to by local citizens as the "lluvia del Diablo", or in English, "a refreshing cold air from the Devil's butt." Southern California's Santa Ana winds are caused by the aforementioned "lluvia del diablo"

In December, the locals decorate their homes with bright colored lights and bags with candles to mark the return of city's mascot, Cthulhu.

Environmental awareness[edit | edit source]

A documentary film entitled "You Could Be the Next Tucson If You Don't Stop Using Plastic Bags" is scheduled to be filmed here and is expected to pump over $40 into the local economy.

Tucson has a proud and condescending sub-culture of tree huggers, many of which don pony tails, reek of patchouly and sit hours on end in one of the city's 4,087 Starbuck's. Once inside the Starbuck's, these curious creatures pretend to read books or to have friends that they are in constant communication with via a Mac laptop (a city ordinance passed in 2007 makes illegal the use of a windows based PC within 100 yards of a Starbuck's). All of these "greenies" drive Toyota Prius' in the belief that they are actually saving the pygmy owl or icebergs. Coincidentally, each person that drives a Prius was also on board with the Atkins Diet, Beta max, and most recently the belief that the U of A men's basketball team is still relevant. The typical Prius owner just wants to make a statement to the world that says "I have a concern for the Earth and terrible taste in automobile design". The Prius invasion has reached such epic proportions that in August 2008, the number of Pri-i in the valley actually surpassed the number of tribal armband tattoos in the city.

A general consensus from the pro environmental groups is that if the city refuses to build or upgrade roads, that the citizens won't drive and it will detract new miserable people from moving there and ruining it for the miserable people that are already there. For this reason, bicycling is a popular "sport" in Tucson. To be a bicyclist in Tucson, one must meet certain criteria. Most importantly, you must be willing to dress in ridiculous spandex outfits that are commercially tackier than a NASCAR driver's suit. Also required to ride a bicycle are rear view mirrors that attach to the rider's helmet and the use of "cleats" that evidentially keep the rider's feet from slipping off of the pedals. According to local 6 year old Esmerelda Lopez-Rodriguez-Garcia-Zavala-Bixler, "No entiendo esos pinches zapatos estupidos. No tengo esa problema".

Bicyclists are also encouraged to attach large orange flags on the rear of their bikes that will fit under most of the city's four freeway underpasses. Finally, a biker in Tucson must carry an extraordinary amount of arrogance and self importance due to the fact nothing else on the road is more critical than them keeping up their speed and their line in road. There is a misconception among cyclists that they have as much right to the road as autos, even though they pay no registration, do not have to meet insurance requirements or carry no liability should they cause an accident. About 7,500 times a year, a drunken construction worker in a Jeep will prove to a cyclist that he, in fact has more right to the road by hitting and killing them while only causing minor scratches to the Jeep (sometimes).

Tucson proudly boasts being the test market for global warming, primarily because it's fucking hot and the "rivers" contain no water. A glaring oversight in the argument for global warming that won't be debated in the film is that the Earth has come out of three ice ages so far, apparently without the assistance of SUVs, Republicans, cattle farts and bottled water. Most Tucsonans ignore this fact claiming those periods of global warming were just the natural changes in the environment but THIS time, it's because there is not enough shitty tasting organic food in everyone else's diet except their own. Do you have some change?

Demographics[edit | edit source]

Tucson's own Jim Kolbe, former representative of Arizona's 8th Congressional District, and the only member of congress who'd let you do the ass-fucking.

Famous Tucsonans[edit | edit source]

Very few famous people are from Tucson. Most famous Tucsonans prefer to call another place home.

Olympic Gold Medalist Kerri Strug started claiming she was from Tucson shortly after being promised a lucrative endorsement deal with Taco Bell. After falling and deflating her breast implants in the 1996 games, she became ineligible for Mexican food fame. She moved to Washington, D.C., shortly thereafter to work at McDonald's.

  • Linda Ronstadt used to be a proud Tucsonan but left town because of excessive jet noise from Davis-Monthan AFB.
  • Paul McCartney used to have a home in Tucson, but left due to the ROASTING August heat; of course that didn't sound as good as the lyrics in "GET BACK", so they changed it to "Jo Jo left his home in Tucson Arizona for some California Grass".
  • Ex-Congressman Jim Kolbe, who was not afraid to stand behind his beliefs (and the Tucson Boys Chorus). He is also known to be associated with the KKK.
  • Annoying comedian Garry Shandling.
  • The Black dude in Evolution, Orlando something.
  • Lourdes Lopez, former prosecutor and now poster girl for hair gel.
  • Ex-DJ and athletic supporter Ray Lindstrom. In addition to being the founder of jockreport.com, he has a personal collection of more than 1000 jock straps.
  • While not officially from Tucson, former Supreme Court Justice Diana Ross spent two days in sunny Tucson in 2004, investigating the local jail conditions.
  • Charles Manson lived in Tucson briefly in the early 1960's but left soon after arriving. His reasons for leaving are unclear but may have been related to the somewhat right wing political climate present at the time. If he had remained, he would have found himself "amongst friends", as Tucson has become nearly as liberal as San Francisco.
  • The ever so sexy Brooke Burke (of 'Wild On' fame) is from Tucson and attended Sahuaro High. Sahuaro can now claim itself victor in the "Which Tucson high school has the hottest chicks, CDO or Sahuaro?" debate.
  • The terrifyingly brilliant journalist Ashley "Danger" Meeks (formerly Weaver before some poor sap had to marry her on a dare) is from Tucson and attended CDO. CDO can now claim itself victor in the "Which Tucson school produces the most egotists, CDO or Green Fields Country Day School?" debate. Still up for debate is the issue of who has the snottiest chicks, Sabino or CFHS?
  • Adolph Hitler, no, no, not Adolf Hitler, the tyrant who engineered the murder of millions of people in World War II. Adolph Hitler, with a "ph." That's Adolph the Realtor. Yes, his German parents named him that for nostalgic reasons.
  • Geraldo Rivera attended the UofA... we would have rather had the less racist Adolf Hitler (yes, the real one)!
  • Victor Urrea, a somewhat disillusioned communications technician and rabid Cardinals fan who was exiled to Texas because he wouldn’t stop asking the tourists for spare change.
  • The body of Jimmy Hoffa, dressed in women's clothing, was uncovered in a Tucson basement in 1997. Since then, homebuilders do not include basements in their new home construction plans.

Economy[edit | edit source]

The most popular small business in Tucson is the tattoo parlor. The second most popular is the tattoo laser-removal clinic.

Economy? What economy?

Horse manure and creosote are among Tucson's leading exports. Metamucil and snowbirds are Tucson's leading imports. Tucson enjoys a booming industry in both importing and exporting Hispanic "workers".

Retailers must purchase a city permit to fly the American flag outside a place of business, as expressing one's patriotism is considered a commercial activity purely designed to lure paying customers. This requirement is waived if the business owner flies a Mexican flag above an American flag. The peso is currently valued at 10.7685 to the dollar. Enough said.

Jobs[edit | edit source]

Looking for a career? Then move to San Diego.

Key local employers are Circle-K, 7-Eleven and McDonald's. The high-tech sector is anchored by Intuit, Inc, even though no one in Tucson has any money to use Quicken. Minimum wage is only a suggestion in Tucson. One of the most highly coveted positions is Wal-Mart greeter. However, to qualify you must have been born before 1930 in a state starting with the letters "I" or "O" and have known Sam Walton personally.

Guest workers are welcome from countries beginning with the letter "M" or ending with the letter "A," but must be able to operate highly complicated machinery, such as leaf blowers and dishwashers. Excellent health benefits are offered by one of America's top hospitals (16-hour waiting periods apply).

There are 2.5 real estate agents for every Tucson resident who is not a real estate agent. Locally born children are issued real estate licenses at birth, along with Social Security cards and birth certificates. Out-of-state residents with less than a high school education may apply for the GED with RE endorsement. Only one out of every 200 real estate agents ever sells a home, although one really annoying agent with bad hair advertises that she will buy your home if she can't sell it in 59 days (it used to be 12 before the bubble burst). She now owns a medium-sized KB (Kraker Box) Homes subdivision south of the airport.

Call center positions used to be more prevalent in Tucson. The minimum requirement for employment includes having no less than two felonies on your record. Since the Bush years and due to heavy outsourcing, these jobs are now in India and the Philippines. Those that do remain have maximized office space through the ingenious use of “bunk cubicles.” This allows massive call centers like Alorica to cram 600 minimum wage workers into 1,250 sq. ft. When issued a citation for inadequate parking, the management successfully challenged the fine by swearing in front of a judge, “We don’t pay our workers enough to afford cars.” The complaint was settled when Alorica promised to add a dozen additional parking spaces which they rented to their workers under the guise of charity.

Debt collection jobs are still available but due to the distance from the jail to work makes it kinda hard for those on work release to get to the job. Personal information about your debt is often shared with other inmates.

Salary increases, known as raises, are achieved by switching jobs every two years. Arizona’s Department of Labor calculates that the average worker invests 11.6 years, or 4.976 job hops before they earn minimum wage. For that reason, Tucson voters have approved a law requiring employers to not offer salary increases to anyone. The move was heralded as a success by the Chamber of Commerce. Spare some change?

The worst job in Tucson is sales associate at a shoe store, as most Tucsonans have bunions, hammertoes and foot odor. Most people in Tucson don't even own shoes. Blown out flip flops and bedroom slippers are common everyday wear. The best job in Tucson is any job indoors, with the obvious exception of shoe salesman.

Technology[edit | edit source]

Tucson has a computer, but it's connected to a machine that makes tortillas and burritos for Taco Bell.

The VCR was recently introduced here, but the citizens, not knowing what it was, killed the UPS man who delivered it. They proceeded to make love to the VCR and finally offered it as ritual sacrifice to the Aztec gods.

Fourteen people in Tucson own microwaves. One is used to reheat burritos. The others are used by feuding families to liquify each other at a distance. Thus far, only a wiener dog and a parakeet have succumbed to the effects of the microwave war.

Tucson connects to the internet via a series of soup cans and strings.

Tucson is the first city that is, by design, engineered to make efficient transit impossible. Following the desires of the city's homeless elite to maintain the "old Mexico" feel of the city, drastic measures have been introduced to prevent reasonable vehicular progress throughout the city. These methods include the largest per capita usage of unsynchronized traffic signals in the world, the deployment of riderless city buses that inexplicably stop at green lights, and the encouragement of masses of spandex clad elderly male cyclists to crowd vehicular traffic in order to prevent their passing, as they pedal their way to random and frequent school zones. Additionally, the city has introduced numerous pedestrian crossing zones, protected by their own unsynchronized traffic signals. These zones promote confused pedestrians to instigate additional traffic jams by merely pressing a button and laughing, whereby they can then play frogger in real life across busy city streets at their leisure, enjoying the fruits of their mischief on their way to the local Safeway or Starbucks.

Arts and culture[edit | edit source]

Tucson's music scene boast the largest number of blues guitar players per capita in the world. They play hundreds of thousands of chords, three each.

Tucson's vibrant arts community (known locally as "taxpayers") recently funded a $100,000 project to create two giant burrito sculptures along Mountain Avenue at Glenn Street and Fort Lowell Road. Unfortunately, lacking the cheap Mexican labor other cities like Grand Rapids, Minnesota enjoy, the sculptures had to undergo a structural redesign. The new design, which was approved unanimously by the Tucson City Council, depicted two massive sewer pipes spewing human waste. The new sculpture debuted to wide critical acclaim, but for some reason, the public wasn't happy with the idea], and sought to find out who approved such a thing in the first place. The Tucson City Council's attempts to dodge blame and dance around the issue eventually grew into the Tucson Ballet, which now performs locally every weekend on 4th Ave, between the place where the panhandlers are, and where the other panhandlers are. The sculptures were then moved to an equally hideous part of town which had had a huge flood due to a burst main. The sculpture is still just as ugly and the town is worse. Tucson is also well known by many around the world to be the shit hole of the world, coming in a close 2nd to South Korea of course.

Recently, Tucson decided to spend $390,000,000,000,000 and waste 4 years to renovate the highway that was already 3 lanes and perfectly fine. But their addition to the bridges really takes the art cake. One has serene pictures of the ever-so-elusive brown water in Tucson, a few have gorgeous pictures of a hawk-raven-angry terrorist-eagle creature, and a few are even painted a delectable olive green color. A few even have a rainbow pattern, for us to stare at while we wait for 4 hours in traffic to move one foot and desperately wish for it to rain. Great job, Art Academy! The snowbirds, homeless, and immigrants all love it!

Architectural Digest dedicated an entire issue to Tucson home design featuring the ubiquitous "porch couch".

In a 2005 survey of 100,000 Tucsonans, bingo games were more popular than cable television, only because the city's elderly residents can't figure out how to use a TV remote ('clicker' in geezer speak).

There is nothing to do in Tucson at night, or any other time of day for that matter, because it's too hot.

Napping is a prevalent pastime during the summer. Children have been known to murder their parents if denied a nap. In 2001, all city bus stops were outfitted with tents and cots to accommodate this widespread activity between the hours of 1 and 4 p.m.

The only decent broadcast entertainment is on the university classical music station, hosted by affable, erudite announcers who believe public obfuscation is a requirement, not a privilege.

Cultural events and fairs[edit | edit source]

February 25 is commemorated as President Bill Clinton's 1999 visit to Mi Nidito, a popular South Tucson eatery. "The President's Plate," consisting of large portions of bland and unhealthy food, has become a favorite menu item there. Surprisingly, for a town located so close to the border, the Mexican food in Tucson is barely edible.

Each February, school age children are given two days off from school to attend the Rodeo instead of an Easter break. They call these Rodeo Days and University students from Tucson, called T-Locs, still don't understand why they don't get this holiday. No one in Tucson actually attends the rodeo and anyone with any mode of transportation leaves. Thankfully, the organizers have determined the best time to plan this is during the Big Rock Show which means there are no hotel rooms available for 200 square miles.

May 5 is, of course, 'Cinco de Mayo' the most important & celebrated holiday in the Pueblo, because damn it, ours is a state of strong 'Mexican Heritage'. This of course flies in the face of the fact that Mexico only controlled the Tucson area for 32 years (1821-1853), as opposed to the 300 previous years of Spanish control! In an effort to better serve the growing yet elderly population, the Tucson City Council has designated July as "Leave Your Tuna Salad in the Car Month."

Every July, Tucson businesses shut down for 4 hours in order to participate in the annual Cherry Blossom Festival and Beanfest. Festivities include the Bean-lympics, where the difficult sport of alphabet farting was introduced.

The first week in August is "Cook Your Eggs on the Pavement Week."

September is "Prepaid Funeral Month." Also this month, the city raffles off a cemetery plot. The city makes $500 million, and one decrepit old coot doesn't have to worry about living arrangements the next month.

During No Shave November (known asNo Shave Ever by the Orthodox Jewish community), Tucson men grow a handlebar mustache and fu man chu combination. It is the official city of Tucson symbol as displayed on all law enforcement badges and vehicles.

Every week is "Eat at Furr's Cafeteria Week," whether you want to or not. (By the way, the specialty of the house is the "Furr Burger.")

Sports[edit | edit source]

Outdoor soccer is prohibited within the city limits, thereby creating a dilemma for potential soccer moms.

The City of Tucson Parks and Recreation and local high schools sponsor open volleyball clinics, where young women are encouraged to aggressively punch balls over nets to channel their pent-up aggression. Second-tier football coaches are offered multi-million dollar contracts at the U of A if they promise not to have a winning season.

The Chicago White Sox outfielder Jermane Dye recently complained that Tucson was "too cold" and that Phoenix would be a better location for spring training. Currently he is staying in a Phoenix hotel burning in his own feces.]

In Tucson, business networking is a competitive sport.

Bicycle riding is very popular in Tucson. Due to the over abundance of DUI issued over Rodeo Week and most meth heads cannot afford cars. This is somewhat mystifying given that the average temperature in the summertime is roughly the same as what you would find inside your oven while cooking a large Thanksgiving Day turkey. P.J. O'Rourke wrote that "Bicycles are dangerous without being fun. This puts them in a category with open heart surgery, the war in Vietnam, the South Bronx, and divorce. What are we to make of an adult pedaling his way to work? Are we to assume he still delivers papers for a living? If not, do we want a doctor, lawyer, or business executive who plays with toys? St. Paul, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians, 13:11, said, 'When I became a man, I put away childish things.' He did not say, 'When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan.' These people should be confined." An unfortunate city ordinance states that any elderly male riding a bicycle within city limits must wear spandex shorts sans underwear (a.k.a. "going commando"). Many elderly men can be observed riding bicycles near school zones when children are headed to and from school. Refusing to spare change to pan handlers could automaticly have you forfiet your bicycle as you enter gas station for overpriced bottled water and an over bruised banana. Your bicycle now becomes the personal property of the panhandleras he rides off on your bike in search of a five dollar hit of smack.

Tucson has recently been ranked the #1 training location in the country for Competitive Panhandling.

Professional baseball must be played in stadiums next to an interstate, public hospital, juvenile prison, and coal fired power plant. Sir ,do you have any change?

Parks & recreation[edit | edit source]

Yo Quiero Chihuahua! A local favorite! Lightly breaded, sautéed, and served with caramelized onions over a bed of wild rice. Be sure to order at least two helpings.

Tucson residents (and all other people on the planet, for that matter) are not advised to spend time alone in any of the city's public parks. Statistics indicate that you are likely to suffer one or all of the following fates:

  1. Aggressive harassment from one of the many vagrants who sleep within the park's confines
  2. Sexual assault from a pervert hanging out around the playground (or to a lesser extent, having said pervert mentally undress you), or
  3. Being menaced and possibly mugged by a Mexican teenage gangbanger.

The parks are allowed to remain as they give cops someplace to wait for hapless drivers, also known as law enforcement revenue sources.

Culinary arts[edit | edit source]

Cuisine usually associated with Tucson hails from its large community of Iranian transplants from neighboring Los Angeles.

Most Japanese restaurants in Tucson are owned by Koreans and Mexicans. Most Mexican restaurants are owned by big chains from the Midwest. Chinese restaurants are owned by Vietnamese. There is always a long line to get in to The Olive Garden. Go figure.

Gas stations offer free cooking classes in dishes like stir-fried roadrunner beaks and lizard roadkill egg rolls.

You can always get a candy bar or bag of chips at Walgreens. In keeping with city ordinances, there is a Walgreens on nearly every street corner, because driving an extra block would be inconvenient for little old ladies. Regardless, you can never find a Walgreens when you really need one. There are 450 Walgreens located in Tucson, and another 250 are planned to open by 2015.

One of the most popular eateries in town is the Flying V, located at the prestigious Loew's Ventana Canyon Resort in the beautiful Foothills. The restaurant is renowned for its guacamole, margaritas, and pet skunk that employees have nicknamed "Rock". No one who lives in Tucson can afford to eat there.

Local lingo[edit | edit source]

"Are those damn mountains on fire again?!" Saying this at the beginning of each month is known to bring good luck.
  • "Would you like a drink of water?"

Asked whenever someone visits your home. It is rude to offer a guest something more thirst-quenching, like Coca-Cola or lemonade.

  • "No worries."
Said in answer to the comment Thank you. The obvious response, You're welcome, is strictly reserved for Tucsonans older than 84, police officers providing directions to lost tourists, or newscasters exchanging witty banter on the air.
  • "Saguaro you today?"

Used to fill daily quota of cactus puns mandated by Pima County laws.

  • "Kish Mir Tuchas, Baby!"

Said while saluting another driver with the middle finger, especially after he abruptly cut you off while turning left across three lanes of crowded traffic. It translates loosely to mean "Have a nice day, you jackass!"

  • "Will work for food."

Seen on numerous hand decorated message boards on street corners throughout the city. This expression should not be taken literally however and is meant only to entertain local motorists stuck in rush hour traffic.

  • "Don't worry, it's just a dry heat!"
  • "Those heroin junkies say the darnedest things!"
  • "Is that a low flying meteor, or a Pygmy Owl that's on fire?"

Religion[edit | edit source]

Tucson is a veritable cornucopia of religious beliefs and institutions.

Jews[edit | edit source]

Feig's Kosher Market and Deli is a front for a Colombian drug ring. God knows it's not for good, lean pastrami.

Growing up Jewish in Tucson means never having to say you're sorry...or alone. Judaism is the maximum majority-minority religion here. In fact, the Jewish population of Tucson has doubled every month since Tucson has had a string of Jewish mayors starting in the early 1960's with Lew "The Jew" Davis. There are now almost as many synagogues as there are roadside shrines to Hispanic Tucsonans killed in motor vehicle accidents. As a result, there's a long line at City Council every weekday for unaffiliated Jews interested in starting their own congregations. You could start a Kibbutz without a city permit, but it's too damn hot to farm in the desert. Yeah, I know...they do it in Israel, but we're not in Israel, are we, Mr. Smarty Pants?

Tucson has often been referred to as the "Ohrdruf" of America.

Interesting Tidbits[edit | edit source]

A Bar Mitzvah in Tucson costs more than four years of tuition at an Ivy League college.

Rich Jews in Tucson belong to Congregation Ants-in-Pants, primarily for the business-networking opportunities and bragging rights. The rest of Tucson's Jews belong to other, less prestigious synagogues and temples, mainly for less important reasons, like community and spirituality.

Some of these other Tucson Synagogues include: Temple eManual, so called because services there approximate the interest level of reading customer support FAQs, and Congregation for Chad's Ass, which is actually quite nice, except that we can't figure out who Chad is and Rabbi Law-Chime won't return our phone calls.

The country's largest Muslim terrorist cell is located in Tucson. Members congregate behind counter tops of their local mosques, the name of which has been poorly disguised in honor of the 9-11 attacks, as the "7-11".

Our Lady of the Perpetual Mobile Home[edit | edit source]

Nothing beats the cheap accommodations and lower-class ambiance of living in a mobile home park in the middle of the crappy desert. From the Sacrament of the Potluck to Yard Sale Blood Rituals, Tucson's mobile home parks offer unique avenues for worship and reverence. Mobile home congregants indulge in such activities as Aluminum Siding Genuflecting and Swamp Box Confessionals. They often partake of burnt hot dogs as a ritual remembrance of "The Day of the Almost Dead." High priestesses bless the sick by anointing them with bingo markers.

Education[edit | edit source]

Students can get away with anything if they yell "I don't speak mes-i-can!" at the top of their lungs and run away.

Tucson is lowest in education. In fact Arizona ranks 60th in education. They would be 62nd but the U.S. does not include Guam or Peurto Rico as states. Among cities in Arizona that start with a 'T', Tucson is currently ranked 50th in education.

Sunbathing 101 is taught in all city high schools. This college-preparatory class is required for individuals interested in careers as models, TV news anchors and dermatologists.

Tucson Unified School disticts now offer day care services to students with infants from grade 5 to 12. The rate of teen pregnacy and school drop outs were so signifgant the district decided this would be a sound solution.

Tucson Unified School District, officially headed by Charlie Chaplin, used to be a division of the Ku Klux Klan but has successfully made the transition into an effective school district. *cough * *cough* Currently facing a budget deficit, the District has introduced many cost saving measures, such as a “You catch it, you eat it” policy in the cafeteria. At lunch teachers can often be found heckling students for dimes to pay for their gas to get home. A pioneer in real world applications and foreign languages, students are taught to panhandle in 20 different languages, even though Spanish is the only one understood. “Przepraszam panu, czy masz grosza?” Tucson's Catalina Foothills School District has a strict blogging prevention policy. Students are discouraged from reading or creating a blog, as it has been suspected of improving writing skills and cutting into quality Facebook time.

Teachers are selected by on the basis of having a degree in which they could not find employment in there chosen profession. All teachers possess a real estate license. Therefore they move to Arizona and become teachers. Marijuana is often served in most educators break rooms. Public schools are often closed on a whim. Leaving the vacant buildings to become charter schools. Tucson charter schools are created to fleece the public trust and allowing private owners to pocket their nonprofit profits.

Currently there is one charter school Sonoran Science Academy that is owned by Fethuella Gulen a Turkish Immam. While inspired by watching Pinky and the Brain cartoons he plans to take over the world by indoctrinating children of his schools into the tenants of Turkish nationalism and world terrorism. Children are often taken to field trips to visit Turkey and it's many popular Turkish bath houses. The objective is to turn out as many homosexuals and destroy America. Tur-GAY Americana proslytization.

Popular children, or those from rich families, do not have to adhere to school behavioral guidelines or dress codes. The higher your family's income, the higher the hemline allowed.

Dodgeball isn't allowed at the majority of Tucson Schools. The liberal pansies who run these schools happen to think that dodgeball is an offspring of Satan and shows the destruction that 6th Graders can bring. The sad thing is, they're right.

Higher education[edit | edit source]

The University of Arizona, located in the gooch of Tucson, is a nationally ranked college in STDs. The university is a national leader in the following categories: most flyovers by USAF jets less than 300 ft above ground, all alumni donations used on useless sculptures and condescending monuments instead of on education, courses scheduled to let frat members avoid any Friday classes so they can drink themselves into a stupor on Thursday night. The UofA was recently a semifinalist for a George W. Bush National Party School Award, but lost out due to having a department called "Evolutionary Biology," which was judged offensive.

Classes are offered in several key areas, including Elimination of Intelligence in Management, Ugg Boot and Gucci Sunglass Testing, the Art of Drinking, Sonora/Arizona Relations though Drunken Parties and Philosophy, and Underwater Basket Weaving (UBW Studies). It also has a well-known graduate archaeology program, which consists of a half-dozen grad students trying to examine pottery shards through microscopes that the undergrads have used as beer receptacles. Its optical sciences department is known for world-class kaleidoscopes and death rays. The library has been recently remodeled into a bowling alley and the Student Union has been renamed "Pepsi Place," boasting the highest prices in the state for bottled Lipton iced teas. Do you have some change?

The First Laptop school in the nation was constructed in Tucson. This bold experiment in edumication (by bold we mean reckless and not well thought out) actually resulted in several more college students buying more Apple computers. Although the school had no minorities to speak of (except for Mexicans, lots of em, too) it had a range of students from different socioeconomic backgrounds, such as poor rancher children and rich suburban children whose parents work at Raytheon.

The University of Arizona is wildly regarded as the rightful birthplace of Challenge Pissing (or CP for short). All freshman looking to enter Greek life must first piss 6 feet straight up into the air, and not get wet.

Many years prior, CP was much easier to accomplish and get into, as all tryouts were held on the mall, and the piss would evaporate after traveling an average of 14 inches into the air.

This tradition was passed down since the time of John "Buttstuff" Salmon, (20 April 1889 – 30 April 1945) was the heir to the Chicken of the Sea Tuna company, pissed himself after getting roofied at the SAE Greek house. John Salmon accidentally ingested nearly 13 different psychotropic compounds, including methamphetamine, LSD, Ecstasy, laxatives and Rophenol after accidentally drinking from the women's water fountain. After pissing and shitting himself for nearly 4 consecutive hours straight, and on the verge of death, his famous last words being "Holy fucking shit dude, I'm tripping so many balls right now. I'm a bear, I'm a man, and I'm down to party". No one remembered what he said the next day, as everyone was too hungover. Someone luckily scribbled a crude drawing of a bear with a down arrow on John's face after he passed away, leading to the now famous motto: "Bear down"

Now, all school sanctioned Challenge Piss-off contests are held indoors, after Geraldo Rivera famously got melanoma on his pecker after forgetting to wrap it in plastic wrap, and tried to sue the school.

As part of TITLE IX, sorority sisters are now included in all CP activities. Sorority sisters are now allowed to compete, alongside men, rather than being forced to give them rimjobs as was tradition before. This is why you see so many of them in swimsuits all the fucking time.

Jimmy Tatro famously attended the U of A before dropping out after failing nearly ever singly one of his classes. What did you expect? The guy went to the U of A, he's fucking retarded.

Media[edit | edit source]

Clear Channel Communications operates an evolving multi-platform media enterprise and maintains ubiquitous ugly billboards.

Lee Enterprises publishes a morning newspaper affectionately known as "The Red Star." It devotes many column inches to news of interest to Tucson's senior citizens, folks less interested in world-changing events than they are fascinated by bodily functions. A recent front-page story in the "Arizona Daily Star" focused on horse turds.

The afternoon newspaper published by Gannett is distributed with orders for meat and fish in major supermarkets. An alternative newspaper, the "Tucson Weakly," is supported by ads for escort services, strip clubs and Green Valley couples looking for hot threesomes.

The Exploder Newspaper covers two areas north of Tucson, Bore-o Valley and Moron-a, which believe they are more important than the area to the south, but they are only kidding themselves. Tiger Woods annually defecates in their coverage area, leading to a special section.

Advertising: World-class campaigns have originated in this second-tier market. Taking their places in the hall of fame are media masterpieces for local businesses such as Sam Levitz, Art Wall and Nu-Art Photo.

Access Tucson. It is a crappy television station with three channels, and if you pay three pesos a show, you can put anything on the air. Access Tucson is currently in the middle of a large scale geurilla war with COX Communications. There have been hundreds of casualties on either sides, and the end is not in sight. A local radio station, KFMA offers alternative rock and the morning show will talk about anything from midgets to donuts and everything in between. If you like having fun, turn that on.

Infrastructure[edit | edit source]

No that's not right.

Energy[edit | edit source]

In a unprecedented symbolic act in support of NAMBLA, Tucson Electric Power Company and the City of Tucson collaborated with its neighbors to the south to connect parts of Tucson's power grid with Mexico and Central America. Accordingly, numerous Tucson businesses often experience unpredictable and mysteriously long periods of outages. Oddly enough, the tunnels used for human trafficking underneath the city are always well lit.

Fucking Mexicans, stealing our electricity.

Healthcare[edit | edit source]

Nobody understands the value of good and plentiful health care more than an old person. If you ever want to know anything about ingrown toenails or skin lesions, just ask a crotchety resident of Tucson. You'll learn more than you want to know. Doctors charge double for providing good care to new patients. People at the poverty level, demented seniors, or others less picky about their health can get free health care by calling the University of Arizona and asking to be referred to its Disease Study and Guinea Pig Program.

Being locked outside without proper skin protection has proven fatal on several occasions. Blisters from poor fitting shoes are the No. 1 killer of Tucson's male teen population. Bad haircuts ranks No. 2. Bunions, hammertoes and foot odor are a source of local pride. Skin cancer rates in Tucson are only slightly higher than the average throughout the country. Prevalence rates for malignant melanoma, known locally as " freckles", are between 0.5 to 1% in Hispanics and 99.8 to 99.9% in Caucasians, or "gringos" ( Spanish for "burnt toast" ).

Water[edit | edit source]

The Monsoon season in Tucson is one glimmer of hope within the dry and barren dreams of the average Tucson resident, and weeks on end Tucsonans perform their rain dance so that the old Pueblo gods of the Southwest can bless the land with their golden showers. Sometimes, almost half a dozen inches of rain fall on the city each month.

Transportation[edit | edit source]

That's better.

RTT, Random Tucson Traffic, plagues the city at odd hours of the day. While normal people see traffic at rush hour times, T-Locs are used to hitting traffic at 3am along Speedway. In 1977, Tucson became the U-Turn capital of the world when the city council passed an ordinance most commonly known as "OMG Not Another Mall" causing the immediate construction of 9,842 medians on all roads leading to shopping centers. Many of the visiting elderly participate in an amusing past time known as the 40 mph Drag Race on the more busy city streets. Hordes of blue-haired drivers take to the roads and drive three abreast without exceeding 40 mph. If any of the drivers allow another vehicle to pass the rolling blockade, they lose. Competition is stiff. This event often takes place during rush hour, which is loosely scheduled from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. and again from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. on the surface streets, and 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. on Tucson's one freeway.

While Arizona doesn't change it's clock on day light savings time, Tucson felt the need to take individuality one step further. In 1998 they decided to let all lights have a green arrow AFTER the light has been green for a while. Out of staters commonly get stuck in the middle of intersections after taking a turn out of habit. Tucson locals, however, don't seem to notice as they already don't follow the rules of the road anyway.

In order to increase city revenues, cops have been directed to write every motorist a ticket regardless of whether or not they were breaking the law. (An interesting side note is that most Tucson cops are not allowed to carry a firearm, known as the Barney Fife Rule.) This is called the Tell It To The Judge Program which was officially instituted in 2007. The irony is that most motorists cannot find the city court building as it is located in one of many small one-way corridors downtown, which are perpetually under construction and frequented by panhandlers and meth addicts. For those few who are tenacious and do find the building, they find they must continue to circle the block as there are only six parking spaces, five of which are taken by cop cars. Lacking funds to pay the exorbitant fines or find a parking space, most drivers simply move away. This new program proved to be particularly successful since most Tucson cops cannot read, having been educated in Tucson schools and lack the ability to understand traffic ordinances. The program was expanded in 2007 to include red light cameras at the most lucrative intersections in the city. Spare some change?

See also[edit | edit source]