Wyld Stallyns
Wyld Stallyns[1] were a San Dimas California-based progressive punk metal rock band formed in 1988 by Bill S. Preston Esq. (guitar) and Ted Theodore Logan (guitar). They were joined by Rufus (guitar) who quit within a single day[2] to pursue a lucrative career as a history professor which he claimed was "The job of the future." He was replaced by the princesses (synthesizer and synthesizer). The band maintained a massive fanbase of exactly 0 fans until 1991, when Bill and Ted were allegedly murdered by robots from the future who wanted to prevent them from creating a better future for mankind[3] and somehow managed to get Death[4] (Bass violin) and Station[5] (bongos). *AIR GUITAR*
Early History[edit | edit source]
As you know, Wyld Stallyns was founded in 1988 by Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan in San Dimas, California. The early years were difficult[6] and they would have flunked history class if not for an odd older man[7] who loaned them his time phone booth and told them to go nuts. First, they "acquired" Napoleon[8]. Then they called Atlantis collect[9] and nearly met the original Iron Maiden[10] while kidnapping a pair of princesses (who would later join the band).[11] They also met Socrates[12] who was inspired to make a band of his own.
Rise to Obscurity[edit | edit source]
The next few years were tough. They were kicked out of their parents' homes, got worse at playing guitar,[13] and spent some time as cartoons.[14] However, their luck quickly improved and they were brutally murdered[15] just in time for their late night speech.
Success[edit | edit source]
After being killed, Bill & Ted met up with Death.[16] With Death, they were sent to hell. Wyld Stallyns didn't have much success in hell, since most of the people there listen to Kenny G anyway. After beating Death at Twister.[17] Death takes them to heaven, and they get their first big gig there, playing for Einstein, Confucius, George Washington and most of the Allman Brothers. Also, God gives Bill & Ted superpowers so they can play cool. They melvined Death also.[18] They got Station, a Russian scientist alien scientist, to build them robot Bills & Teds to kill the evil robot Bill & Teds that killed them and took their babes.[19]
Ted's hardass father wants Wyld Stallyns to play in the San Dimas Battle of the Bands,[20][21] because he doesn't like Bill & Ted,[22] and after a tense match with evil Bill & Ted, Wyld Stallyns played, with their time machine, wildly realistic pyrotechnics, and music good enough to beat even Primus![23]
Bill & Ted, with the help of Death[24], invent world peace, and the planets align. Eventually, by 2689, the world is peaceful. Bowling scores are at an all-time high and golfing scores at an all-time low. And the world is in harmony, all thanks to Bill & Ted, who became immortal by melvining Death.
Concerts[edit | edit source]
Wyld Stallyns have always been known for their wild and unsolicited[25] concerts. When this happens, history is generally torn a new one.[26]
Notable concerts[27] include:
- Library of Alexandria (48 BC) - The pyrotechnics misfired and burned the place to the ground.
- Chicago, Illinois (1871) - The noise spooked a cow; Burned the place to the ground
- Atlantis (N/A) - Bill broke a string; Entire continent destroyed
- Library of Alexandria (~273) - During the apology for their last visit, Ted bumped into a lamp; Burned the place to the ground
It is worth noting that their concerts are generally much less destructive, and these are merely the few that got out of hand.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Wyld Stallyns (1991)
- Wyly Stallyns III (1991)
- Drunk Dialing: The Best of the Rufus Years (1993) (recorded in 1988)
- Wyld Stallyns II (1994)[28]
- Sudden Infant Death Metal (1995) [29]
- Be Excellent to Each Other (c. 1996)
- Album 9 From Outer Space [30][31]
Associated Acts[edit | edit source]
Assorted Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Not to be confused with "Wyld Whorses" by the Rolling Bones
- ↑ Or several million years, depending on your point of view.
- ↑ They later redacted their claims that the robots looked just like their governor, except nude
- ↑ The man formerly known as "Life"
- ↑ Station Station station station station station Station station station station Station station.
- ↑ They couldn't play their instruments, couldn't get Van Halen to join the band, only had guitar players...
- ↑ Who had an unusual amount of interest in the personal lives of these teenage boys...
- ↑ For no reason
- ↑ With less than ideal results
- ↑ "Iron Maiden?" "Excellent!" *Air guitar*
- ↑ At least it was better than ever going back to England
- ↑ Pronounced "So-Crates"
- ↑ Despite all odds!
- ↑ Really!
- ↑ They got better
- ↑ Which is really Bergmanesque, but you Uncyclopedians wouldn't care.
- ↑ Another Bergmanesque motif. Watch out!
- ↑ Excellent!
- ↑ NAH WAY!
- ↑ In an attempt to destroy any remaining self confidence they have left
- ↑ Which is one of the corner stones of good parenting, by the way
- ↑ So totally NOT bodacious
- ↑ PRIMUS!
- ↑ Who's a good guy now, by the way
- ↑ And occasionally unwanted
- ↑ Or they create a stable time loop, which is much more common, but slightly less dramatic
- ↑ In relative order, as opposed to chronological
- ↑ Their 2nd and 4th albums were released out of order due to executive meddling from the future!
- ↑ Only album without Death on bass
- ↑ Regarded by fans as the worst album ever recorded.
- ↑ It was certified as 100x Diamond, and had their biggest single that remained at the top of the charts for several years
See Also[edit | edit source]
| Franchise | |
| Dudes & Dudettes | |
| Stuff |
|