Wyld Stallyns

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The two original members of Wyld Stallyns.

Wyld Stallyns[1] were a San Dimas California-based progressive punk metal rock band formed in 1988 by Bill S. Preston Esq. (guitar) and Ted Theodore Logan (guitar). They were joined by Rufus (guitar) who quit within a single day[2] to pursue a lucrative career as a history professor which he claimed was "The job of the future." He was replaced by the princesses (synthesizer and synthesizer). The band maintained a massive fanbase of exactly 0 fans until 1991, when Bill and Ted were allegedly murdered by robots from the future who wanted to prevent them from creating a better future for mankind[3] and somehow managed to get Death[4] (Bass violin) and Station[5] (bongos). *AIR GUITAR*

Early History[edit | edit source]

Rufus, the man who helped Bill & Ted, is seen in the center. Surprisingly, Rufus didn't swear at all when Wyld Stallyns was around.

As you know, Wyld Stallyns was founded in 1988 by Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan in San Dimas, California. The early years were difficult[6] and they would have flunked history class if not for an odd older man[7] who loaned them his time phone booth and told them to go nuts. First, they "acquired" Napoleon[8]. Then they called Atlantis collect[9] and nearly met the original Iron Maiden[10] while kidnapping a pair of princesses (who would later join the band).[11] They also met Socrates[12] who was inspired to make a band of his own.

Rise to Obscurity[edit | edit source]

The next few years were tough. They were kicked out of their parents' homes, got worse at playing guitar,[13] and spent some time as cartoons.[14] However, their luck quickly improved and they were brutally murdered[15] just in time for their late night speech.

Success[edit | edit source]

After being killed, Bill & Ted met up with Death.[16] With Death, they were sent to hell. Wyld Stallyns didn't have much success in hell, since most of the people there listen to Kenny G anyway. After beating Death at Twister.[17] Death takes them to heaven, and they get their first big gig there, playing for Einstein, Confucius, George Washington and most of the Allman Brothers. Also, God gives Bill & Ted superpowers so they can play cool. They melvined Death also.[18] They got Station, a Russian scientist alien scientist, to build them robot Bills & Teds to kill the evil robot Bill & Teds that killed them and took their babes.[19]

Ted's hardass father wants Wyld Stallyns to play in the San Dimas Battle of the Bands,[20][21] because he doesn't like Bill & Ted,[22] and after a tense match with evil Bill & Ted, Wyld Stallyns played, with their time machine, wildly realistic pyrotechnics, and music good enough to beat even Primus![23]

The Wyld Stallyns earliest known concert.

Bill & Ted, with the help of Death[24], invent world peace, and the planets align. Eventually, by 2689, the world is peaceful. Bowling scores are at an all-time high and golfing scores at an all-time low. And the world is in harmony, all thanks to Bill & Ted, who became immortal by melvining Death.

Concerts[edit | edit source]

Wyld Stallyns have always been known for their wild and unsolicited[25] concerts. When this happens, history is generally torn a new one.[26]

Notable concerts[27] include:

  • Library of Alexandria (48 BC) - The pyrotechnics misfired and burned the place to the ground.
  • Chicago, Illinois (1871) - The noise spooked a cow; Burned the place to the ground
  • Atlantis (N/A) - Bill broke a string; Entire continent destroyed
  • Library of Alexandria (~273) - During the apology for their last visit, Ted bumped into a lamp; Burned the place to the ground

It is worth noting that their concerts are generally much less destructive, and these are merely the few that got out of hand.

Discography[edit | edit source]

Judging from the font, nobody knows what year this album was made.
  • Wyld Stallyns (1991)
  • Wyly Stallyns III (1991)
  • Drunk Dialing: The Best of the Rufus Years (1993) (recorded in 1988)
  • Wyld Stallyns II (1994)[28]
  • Sudden Infant Death Metal (1995) [29]
  • Be Excellent to Each Other (c. 1996)
  • Album 9 From Outer Space [30][31]

Associated Acts[edit | edit source]

Assorted Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Not to be confused with "Wyld Whorses" by the Rolling Bones
  2. Or several million years, depending on your point of view.
  3. They later redacted their claims that the robots looked just like their governor, except nude
  4. The man formerly known as "Life"
  5. Station Station station station station station Station station station station Station station.
  6. They couldn't play their instruments, couldn't get Van Halen to join the band, only had guitar players...
  7. Who had an unusual amount of interest in the personal lives of these teenage boys...
  8. For no reason
  9. With less than ideal results
  10. "Iron Maiden?" "Excellent!" *Air guitar*
  11. At least it was better than ever going back to England
  12. Pronounced "So-Crates"
  13. Despite all odds!
  14. Really!
  15. They got better
  16. Which is really Bergmanesque, but you Uncyclopedians wouldn't care.
  17. Another Bergmanesque motif. Watch out!
  18. Excellent!
  19. NAH WAY!
  20. In an attempt to destroy any remaining self confidence they have left
  21. Which is one of the corner stones of good parenting, by the way
  22. So totally NOT bodacious
  23. PRIMUS!
  24. Who's a good guy now, by the way
  25. And occasionally unwanted
  26. Or they create a stable time loop, which is much more common, but slightly less dramatic
  27. In relative order, as opposed to chronological
  28. Their 2nd and 4th albums were released out of order due to executive meddling from the future!
  29. Only album without Death on bass
  30. Regarded by fans as the worst album ever recorded.
  31. It was certified as 100x Diamond, and had their biggest single that remained at the top of the charts for several years

See Also[edit | edit source]

Zakk Wylde