University of Utah
| University of Utah | |
|---|---|
 Surviving a GOP Legislature since 1896 | |
| Motto | Motto non habemus |
| Established | February 28, 1853 |
| School type | State Research University |
| Head | Michael Young |
| Location | Salt Lake City, Utah, United States |
| Campus | Urban |
| Enrollment | 28,000 6,000 |
| Endowment | Dwindling |
| Faculty | 13,760 |
| Mascot | Utes[1] |
The University of Utah is a publicly-funded[2] research institution that has the sumpreme misfortune of being located in the state of Utah.
Universally despised by Utahns[3], over the years the University has conducted research, stupified younger generations, sucked ass in every sport imaginable, and worst of all, inspired several dozen of its students to not think. Though the University's President is an active Mormon and it is an officially dry campus, this does little to ease the fears of Utah County housewives who fear their teenage daughters may attend "the U" and become free-loving, dope-smoking Communists who commit the ultimate sin of learning nothing in college, effectively denying Christendom in one fell swoop[4] and ensuring nothing higher than terrestrial glory for their likely Lamanitish posterity.
History[edit | edit source]
Originally established February 28, 1850 by Latter-day Saint leader Brigham Young as "a place for friends," it was initially named "University of Deseret." The school closed two years later because local officials feared the students were retarded. It reopened as a proselyting commercial school in 1867. The University was renamed University of Utah in 1894 and classes were first held on the present campus on the east side of Salt Lake City in 1900. Fearing stupidity, local authorities established the University Institute of Religion in 1932, but even that tax-exempt institution could not stop Utah from becoming a laughable research institution (cold fusion anyone?). Mario Capecchi's winning of the Nobel Prize in 2007 greatly angered the students of the University of Utah, perturbed at the amount of knowledge the professors on the mountain were trying to give them.
Academics[edit | edit source]
The university offers seventy-six undergraduate majors, over fifty-five minors and certificates and ninety-six major fields of studies at the graduate level. It draws its 28,000-plus student population from all fifty states and 111 foreign countries. The university, one of the state’s largest employers, has the only medical, social work, and architecture schools between Denver and San Francisco, Phoenix and the Canadian border. It should thus come as no surprise that the "U" receives the financial equivalent of a shit sandwich from the State Budget Office.
The university's School of Computing has made several important contributions to the field. The University of Utah was one of the original four nodes of ARPANET, the world's first series of tubes and embryo of the current world-wide Interwebs. Within weeks, the school became one of the first to be sued by the RIAA for allowing its students to listen to music. The School has made connections with the aerospace and high tech industries, and it was a U. graduate who invented Atari. When it comes to the inanity of Postmodernity, the U has been a significant player since the beginning.
The University of Utah School of Medicine is one of the finest in the nation, owing largely to its location in the only site of civilization between California and Omaha. In 1970, the school established the first Cerebrovascular Disease Unit west of the Mississippi River, only to spend most of its budjet attempting to explain to its retarded students what exactly that was. Such innovations as the artificial heart, pacemaker, and Death Star have been developed by Utah bioengineers. When Utahns do something stupid (a frequent occurence) the staff of the U's medical center are always there to lend a helping hand.
The University of Utah's Political Science department hosts one of nation's leading schools of politics and government and is home to an isolated, severely inbred colony of liberals, introduced in 1934 by the Civilian Conservation Corps to guarantee Roosevelt's reelection. Aside from regular course work, the college provides its students the opportunity to volunteer as interns in state and federal government offices, providing prudish College Republicans what may be their only opportunity to get head. The college is often visited by local and national leaders, who mistake it for the University of Chicago. The University of Utah also has the Hinckley Institute of Politics, which hosts forums, debates, and orgies on campus.
Student Life[edit | edit source]
There are numerous fun things to do on campus (like hang out with Ted Bundy) and they have a huge institute building for the Latter-Day Saints where they meet and converse, have parties and do stuff. There are concerts and tons of parties on campus as well. Although it is a commuter school, there are things to do. There are a number of sports teams at "The U," many of which are free to students.
(note: The person who wrote this lame section was recently tracked down and beaten to death with fish sticks after hours of forced cat huffing and oscar quotes... BIIZZATCH!)
Rivalry with BYU[edit | edit source]
The University of Utah has a long-running rivalry with Brigham Young University, located just south of it in Provo, Utah. Several factors contribute to the intense rivalry, including:
- Most of the students at the U of U were denied admission to BYU.
- BYU has lower tuition rates.
- BYU's female population is consistently ranked as the best looking in the nation (because they haven't ruined their looks with booze, drugs, STD's, kitten huffing, and other stupidity.)
- BYU has a National Title in football, unlike the U of U.
- The 'Y' on the mountain near BYU is larger than the 'U' on the mountain near the U of U (except when BYU students paint a tail on the 'U' to make it a 'Y'.)
- Blue is cooler than red (Crips 4 life yo).
Broadcasting[edit | edit source]
The University of Utah has several public broadcasting affiliations. They include:
- KUED, TV Channel 7 (digital 42), the state's main PBS member station and award-winning producer of local documentaries;
- KUER-FM, FM 90.1, a NPR member station and center for smooth-talking liberal culture;
- K-UTE, Student campus radio, 1620 AM. Provides a medium for stoners to express their belief in the genius of Huey Lewis and the News.
Notable alumni[edit | edit source]
- Ted Bundy (popular women's rights advocate)
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The Uintah and Ouray Indian Reservation gets five cents each time that word is said.
- ↑ Despite the work of State Senators Buttars and Stevenson.
- ↑ from the copper tycoons, creationists and ambulance-chasers of the State Legislature to the suburban homebodies of Davis County, the severely underpayed un-unionized coal miners of the east to the meth addicted working class jack Mormons of the West.
- ↑ Interestingly enough, swoop is the name of the school's hawkish mascot, adopted to prevent lawsuits from American Indians.