Fred Astaire (born Frederick Curran Zoidberg Penelope Tristan Astaire; May 10, 1899 – June 22, 1987) was a world famous American film and Broadway stage dancer, dolphin tamer, vauldville performer in the Ohio prison system, conservationist, dentist and escaped mental patient. You may have seen him sneaking parts in major motion pictures performing long-drawn out so-called "dances". In these dancers, he would nail pieces of metal he found in trash cans to his shoes and proceeded to flail about wildly on a flat surfaces (once, on sand!!). Sadly, every dance he did, His evil twin brother took credit and stole his name. To this day, it is unclear which actions in movies wear done by Fred or his unnamed evil twin. the same aplies to their entire life.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Young Fred never really fitted in with his young peers, primarily because he was prone to smoking, saying "gee, that's swell" to himself, doing ballet, tapdancing, bragging about being in Broadway, practicing ballet in english, eating broccoli, and practising ballet in the middle of math.
Fred left school at 16 with three GCSEs, one in shoe-making, one in Mummification, and one in Vaudeville studies. and left his native land of Narnia to pursue his dreams in long island with his twin sister Adelaine (who was better at everything, but told that to Fred and he'd sock you.). He later stole a medical degree from Henry VIII and crowned himself King Fred Astaire MEd and opened a fertility clinic.
As a "Dancer"[edit | edit source]
Fred's career of what he claimed was dancing began when he and his twin sister fought of unpatient audiences in Broadway when the techies took too long putting up the set for the actual show. They did this by performin glittle skits that scientist now claim to be 'Vaudeville Acts'. These vaudville acts usually were short and comprised of either entertaining or humorous skits. He split from his twin sister when she fell in love with a forgeiner called Sir Francis Gump.
Then Fred found himself in a small part in a movie with the brunette Ginger Rogers. It was Flying Down to Rio, and he couldn't fly fast enough...he hated brunettes. They reminded him of his sister who married Sir Gump. So the next movie the pair did, Fred grabbed some bleach, rope and duct tape and went to business. the next day after this, Ginger woke up in a light closet on set with a growling stomach, blonde hair, and the unabilitiy to remember how to do long division or remember who the currant president was. She's never had high intelligence since then, improving only a little when she changed her hair to red years later.
As a Photographer[edit | edit source]
For a short time in the 50s, Fred Astaire gave up trying to star in films. His unnamed twin brother really was getting on his nerves. So he met up with the head of some magazine of fashion with a disposable camera and charmed her to death.
The new head of the magazine agreed to hire him at a good pay. He continued to work his way through the headquarters of the magazine building by fooling the lady employees that some librarian he fell in love with could be the new face of fashion. The events following forced a large amount of silly and extravagant 'adventures' in the City of Paris, France. It's still a sensitive spot for French politicians and beatnicks to converse about. Some are still traumatized.
Nearly all of the horrible events were secretly recorded by the Unnamed Twin and then released into American theatres with the title Funny Face. All those who view this movie think it to be a romantic musical. Of course, those who are truly in the know realize the only reason everyone breaks out into song is because Fred was a bit of a lunatic then and anyone who didn't sing and dance to meet his insane perfectionism standards would find themselve dead in a canal an hour later.
Needless to say, he stopped being a photographer and finally helped himsel into an insane asylum. After being treated and cured, he stayed in Paris and had some fun dancing with some Russians and Bohemians.
Fred Astaire and LSD[edit | edit source]
Fred Astaire reputedly discovered the hallucenogenic drug LSD when he noticed some green mould on some bread he was going to eat. This drug was originally named LFD, primarily because humanity was not yet sophisticated enough to invent the letter "S" (which is widely known as the sophisticatedist letter ever created).
Fred's acting Career[edit | edit source]
Fred Asaire's vibrant acting career began when he was asked to star as Danny in the 1870s smash hit musical Grease. Fred later played an evil Russian Gangsta calles Josef Stalin in he all singin' and dancin' and all Technicolor movie Singin' in the Rain, after Gene Kelly was told that he couldn't have two roles in the same film. Gene Kelly pulled a massive wobbler on hearing this news and told the studio executives that he would never work in another MGM movie ever ever again!!
He later sneaked into one of the crucial shots of T3h B3nd W3g0n!12!"1"!!! the following year. His other twin was in this...Fred was jealous of that guy too.
As an Evil Doctor[edit | edit source]
Fred Astaire's evil emo-hating empire began when he inherited a Haunted House in Ohio and married a much younger lady (rumored to once have been a mermaid. She was good at swimming, but bad at dancing. Made poor Fred a very sad, old man.)
As an Evil Assassin[edit | edit source]
Fred Astaire bagan his lengthly and accomplished career as a hired assassin in July of 1947 when he forced his second favourite Top Hat on to Gene Kelly's head, mercilessly rapped his knuckles with his metal dancing cane, and gagged him with an old Tap Shoe, before forcing him into a Dustbin and off a cliff.
Lee Harvey Oswald, editor of Evil Assassin Monthly called it, "The biggest blunder of our time".
After this incredible victory against his arch nemesis Fred Astaire felt free to kill anyone he wished. He sent semi-serious death threats too all his other enemies, and his ego became bloated.
Next on Fred's list was George Eastman. Astaire set Eastman alight with some of his own flammable nitrate film while he slept in a Wheelbarrow after a hard morning weeding, and attempted to make it look like suicide. However he was unsuccessful when he took a large chomp out of one of Eastman's prize turnips, leaving his DNA at the scene.
He was fined $50 and bannned from driving a tractor for two months. Apppealed twice against his sentence, but that only got into more trouble.
Feelings like just about anything was possible Fred Astaire set his evil and dastardly sights upon non other than three foot tall, Anti-Semitic, Alcoholic basketball champion Charlie Chaplin. Astaire killed sweet, innocent Chaplin by running over him 74 times with a Massey-Ferguson Tractor, therefore breaking his two month curfew on Tractor Driving. Astaire was sentenced to Death in the Electric Chair for breaking his curfew, and was given another $50 fine for murder. Needless to say, Astaire wasn't executed. Local simpleton John Coffey took his place in the chair for a small fee.
Death[edit | edit source]
Fred died when he was eaten by his shoes during a fast paced dance he performed in Belleville during the summer of '06, his shoes sold $700,000,000 dollars on Ebay to Michael Jackson who was inspired by Astaire to go in dancing and molesting. His last role was Fanta Claus is Comin' His shoes were sold by The Triplets of Belleville.